A word of explanation: Quite a long time ago now, someone (I think it was on a Trek list) set a challenge to write a realistic Mary-Sue (i.e. one where you don't end up the soulmate of whoever your favourite character happened to be). This caught my attention solely because I couldn't imagine writing anything but - I have Rimmer syndrome, my mind finds it very difficult to accept nice things happening to me. So anyway, nothing came of this for many years, until this thing sprung into my head one evening. It was written in one night, and then entirely overhauled over the next week, during which time my dislike of it grew exponentially, due to my hatred of most Mary-Sue related activities. It was originally about five times the length, but I kept cutting out all the bits I didn't like, until I figured I'd better stop while I still had a fragment of story left. And whatever you don't like about it, that's going to be my excuse.
And just in case it's not completely obvious, the asterisks indicate thought or other mental communication.

Oh, and it could have been worse. Thankfully all my ideas for Sapphire and Steel karaoke appear to have disappeared. Which is good, 'cause Steel would probably have glared at me. Then used me as bait in an overly-elaborate trap. Then yelled at me for being crap bait...

Historian's Note: Blake's 7-wise, this is set just after Cygnus Alpha. However, attempting to fit Sapphire and Steel into a specific timeline is an exercise in futility.

***

Crosspiece.

By (shockingly enough) Ceefax.

Ceefax carefully lifted the stack of books away from Mini-Ceefax's casing. She balanced them on top of an elaborately painted Gameboy, which was in turn balanced on a tower of other books. The heap wobbled, but didn't fall. She took no notice of the precarious pile, as she was too busy inspecting the freshly dried glue.

"Lovely," she said, with a certain air of smugness. "You'd never know anything happened."

"I know," Mini-Ceefax snapped.

"You don't count, and it was all your fault for being so damn crap in the first place." She began disentangling the mass of power leads.

"It was not my fault," Mini-Ceefax protested. "You're the one that wanted Windows 98. I didn't get a say in the matter, remember?"

"Shut up or I'll take your bloody sound card out again. Besides, it was Windows 98 or Windows 95. Which would you have prefered, genius?"

"Humph. You wouldn't have had to make the choice in the first place if you'd just learn how to say 'no' to Adrian..."

She thumped the moniter. "Shut up. Ludicrous machine."

Finding the correct lead at last, she plugged it into the wall socket. The flux capacitor sitting next to Mini-Ceefax's printer began to glow.

"You've got the whole thing plotted?"

"Yes. Exactly the same as the last seven times you asked."

"Wouldn't put it past you to screw it up. Look what you did with the Gameboy emulator."

"You don't need a Gameboy emulator, you have a Gameboy."

"Shut the hell up and open the damn gateway already."

"Fine by me. Anything to get rid of you."

The flux capacitor began to pulsate. Beneath the computer desk, the photon accelerator began to rattle. Ceefax kicked it, and it hummed instead.

"Well? Is it working?"

"Yes. The gateway will be fully open in nine minutes and forty eight seconds."

"So, about three minutes, then."

Mini-Ceefax did not deign to reply.

Ceefax waggled the mouse absently and watched a tiny patch of darkness begin to form about two feet from the desk. A broad smile spread across her face.

"Damn, I'm good. It will be nice to get the hell away from all this... No more soul-sapping family, no more self-destructing friends, no more moronic bosses, no more bitching cockroaches, no more public transport, no more calculating Pratchett release dates, no more Gor, mo more arseing around with you..." at the word 'you' she flicked Mini-Ceefax on the moniter, "no more pissing around with updates, no more sitting around waiting for broadband..." The growing empty space on the wall was now just about big enough for somebody to stick their head through. She leaned back in her chair and stretched in a self-congratulatory way. "Oi, circuit breath, how long now?"

"Two minutes and five seconds."

"Mm-hum. And then nothing to worry about but defeating the Federation. And the Andromedans. But that's where insider knowledge comes in very useful."

"I still say you should have chosen Lexx."

"You're only saying that because you love 790. And no, the plans are laid, my mind is made up, and I'm going for the Liberator. So make with the portal."

"Time remaining is two minutes and five seconds."

"You suck, you know that?"

The empty space promptly changed colour, fading slowly to a light grey.

"Done," Mini-Ceefax announced.

"Yes!" Ceefax got to her feet and tugged down her shirt, Picard style. "Be seeing you." She stepped through the gateway.

"Goodbye, you ugly big-faced rubber-nosed bastard," Mini-Ceefax said to the empty room.

***

It seemed to have worked. Opposite her was a low construction which was most definitely the teleport console. To her right was the strange bit of wall with the hexagonal holes in, and to her left was the corridor leading to the flight deck.

She punched the air and did a slightly modified version of the touch-up shuffle. *Damn, but I'm good! Now, where the hell are Blake and his four, anyway?* She peered around the wall with the holes, just to see what was down there. Disappointingly, it was only another corridor. She wandered down to the end of it, and found a T-junction. Deciding it would probably be best not to get hopelessly lost right away, she turned around and headed back.

"Don't move."

"Oh, god... Look, don't shoot me, I'm a friend."

Avon grinned at her, and aimed his gun directly between her eyes. "And yet, despite your convincing story, I find I still have my doubts." The smile died as if it had never been. "Drop your weapon."

"I don't have any weapons."

He narrowed his eyes. "Really. Stay exactly where you are." He backed up a few steps to the communications unit on the wall, switching it on without taking his eyes off her.

"Blake."

"Avon." He paused and Ceefax gave him a (she hoped) friendly grin. *Well, he hasn't actually asked any questions yet, but at least he didn't shoot first...* "I found our visitor."

***

*This one's different... Can you feel it yet?*

*No, it isn't. Besides, if it wasn't Them, then there's no other explanation.*

***

Zen flashed serenely in the background as Ceefax put her feet up on the coffee table (nobody had referred to it as anything yet, so she was still calling it the coffee table). "You can put the gun away, you know," she said hopefully. Avon pointed it at her. Pointedly.

"Who are you?" Jenna asked, unnecessarily frostily.

"Already told you, I'm here to help. Down with the evil Federation and everything. Where's Blake, anyway?"

"Why don't you just tell us why you're here, and what you want?" Avon asked, smiling again.

*This is not going well. Should have told them I was working for the Federation. Then they wouldn't have believed me.*

Changing tactics, she folded her arms across her chest and scowled at them. "I'll only talk to Blake." A sudden, unpleasant thought skittered through her mind. "You haven't killed him, have you? Or left him on some planet somewhere?"

"Hardly a concern of yours. Tell us who you are and what you want, now."

"Or what?" *Should not have said that...*

Jenna smiled, prettily. "Or you won't want anything."

"That's a bit harsh, isn't it? You really are all a load of miserable bastards, you know that?" *At least Kai wouldn't have been motivated to kill me...* "Look, could one of you at least mention the name Space Commander Travis to Blake and see what kind of a reaction you get? If he doesn't want to know then I'll leave quietly, I promise."

"And how, exactly, will you leave?"

*Think of a convincing lie...* "Um, well... I've got this machine..." *No, don't do that, he'll want the specs... Just say nothing...* "I, er, I don't really know how it works. It just sends me where I want to go." *That was stupid. That was immensely stupid. Why couldn't you have kept your mouth shut?*

"What kind of a machine?"

"Could somebody please go and get Blake? Space Commander Travis. T-R-A-V-I-S."

"What kind of a machine."

"I'll go," Vila volunteered - the first words he had spoken since they'd entered the flight deck - and exited hurriedly. Neither of the others took any notice.

*Wonder where the hell Gan is, anyway? Probably sleeping somewhere...* "So, you guys got anything to drink? I could just go for something blue right about now."

There was a brief, but very distinct pause.

"No? Okay. We'll watch the swirly things for a while, shall we?"

"Shut up."

The next pause was longer, and finally broken by Blake's entrance, Vila trotting at his heels.

"Tell me everything you know. Now."

***

*You're trying to tell me it tore this... just for fun?*

*It doesn't look too complicated. Just a little messy.*

***

One debriefing later, after being made to realise exactly how little she knew about the Federation (it was small comfort that the rebel forces knew much less), Ceefax pleaded exhaustion and escaped. Suspiciously shiny bits of wall kept seeming to look at her, which she dismissed as Avon-induced paranoia. Which could very well have been a mistake.

***

*This shouldn't be difficult at all. That'll make a nice change. Don't you think?*

*Good.*

***

"Would it help if I said I'm sorry? I'm not sure what for, but..."

"No." Avon slammed the escape pod door.

"Does Blake know you're doing this?" she shouted at the door. The only response was a slight jerk as the escape pod escaped.

*Brilliant. Just bloody brilliant. Less than four hours aboard, and already they're trying to kill me. Should have gone for Lexx, at least it would have been nice to have been eaten by Lyekka. Bloody stupid paranoid wannabe psychopaths... Good thing I didn't tell him about Anna... Where the hell's the communicator on these things, anyway?*

***

"But I thought we didn't want her on board... You said yourself she was a spy..."

"I said she might by a spy, Vila. That doesn't mean throw her out of the closest airlock."

"Avon wanted to shoot her! I had to talk him out of it..."

"Zen, turn around. Back to the life capsule, standard by five."

"Confirmed."

***

Having entirely failed to locate a communications device, any food or water, a comfortable position or a light switch, Ceefax was passing the time by watching all the little blinking lights on the escape pod's control panel, and thinking of all the things she was going to do to Avon if she was ever unfortunate enough to run into him again. Although it was looking quite likely that she'd have to rely on the existance of an afterlife.

It therefore came as something of a surprise when the incoming trajectory of the escape pod was slightly miscalculated, and it scraped along the wall of the Liberator's cargo room.

*Oh, thank fuck for that... I knew they'd come back for me... At least, they'd bloody better have come back for me, or they're all going the same way Avon is... I wonder how you open the door...*

"Now, Sapphire!"

*What...? Sapphire? No! No, that's not fair, they'd come back to get me...*

***

Ceefax scowled at the empty air. "I can't help noticing my computer seems to be missing a few things," she called. "It doesn't talk any more either, which is nice... Sapphire? Steel? I know you guys can hear me. The least you can do is say sorry... Or tell me not to do it again, or something... Guys? Look, I know you can handle different dimensions, but how do you feel about parallel universes? 'Cause I was thinking of taking a quick trip to the Aniverse. Soon as I've got my computer working again, that is... You'd better talk me out of it if you don't want to have to patch up the time space continuum again. Or whatever it is that you actually do... Guys...?"

***

the end, and my congratulations for reaching it

Can it be true? Ceefax has written a sequel... View it here.