James: Donut? Donut donutdonutdonutdonut
Dino, Cal, Jessie and Jay: Dddoooooonnnuuuuuut!!
Brock:(as the the assembled company fall upon him in search of donuts) Eep!
Brock:(as James and Anala blatantly grope him) Double Eep!
Jesse: Double?
James: Make that trouble!
Everyone (including Jess and Jim): huh?
Dino: O.K everybody, enough of this. There are Ratattas out there just waiting to be made into fritters. Where's that Togepi by the way?
Jay: Here it is!
Misty: Not my beautiful Togepi!
Dino:(whipping an egg whisk and frying pan out of his trench coat) Shut it you ginger haired hussie! Go shag your starmie or something.
Misty:(blushing) Oh no! My secret is out!
(Everyone stares at her dumbfoundedly.)
Dino: uh... Togepi omelette anyone?
Cal: Can I have little bits of Pidgey meat in mine?
James:(Doing double take at Misty) Starmie? Ugh!
Togepi: Briiiii!
Jay: It's getting away!
Jay, Cal and Dino: Catch the egg-shaped bastard!
(they all chase it, brandishing various weapons)
Pikachu: Pika pika chu chu CHU. PIKAAA! [trans: ha! You embryonic arse hole! You are slave food!]
Togepi: Briiiiiiiiii! Bri Bri Briiiii! [trans: Shiiiit! Slave girl! Help me!]
(Misty screams pathetically and faints. Meanwhile, Jay catches Togepi and holds him still while Dino takes out a mallet and gently cracks the pokémon open.)
Pikachu: pika pika pikaaaaaa!! [trans: Yes! I am supreme! Save some omelette for me guys!]
Dino:(whilst gently cooking Togepi's remains over a slow heat) You know we really could do with something added to this... (he looks over maliciously to pikachu and grins)
Pikachu: Pi-ka? [no translation necessary]
James: Oh, Pikachu...
Pikachu:(doing sparks) Pika! Pika-pi Pika-chu! [translation: You blatantly gay bastard! Come one step nearer and you're crisped!]
(While Pikachu is distracted by the hunk of blue haired bishonen, Cal n' Jay creep up behind it, and slice it neatly into thirds)
Cal: No sweat!
Jay: We rule!
Ash: NoooooOOOOOOOOooooooo! Pikachuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu...! (he faints beside Misty.)
Dino:(looking nastily at the two unconscious brats) Now, we'll need something to burn...
Jay: Hey! I like Ash. He's O.K, y'know?
Cal: what? Jay, how could you? (immitating a best gal) And I thought you were so evil!
Jay: I'm sorry, alright?
Cal: If you're really sorry, BURN THE TWERP!
Jess n' Jim: We'll help!
Brock: So will I!
Everyone else: Huh?
Brock: What?! You guys think he was annoying, I was hanging around with him every fucking day!
(Blank looks of disbelief)
Brock: I can be evil if I want
James: Since when? Mister 'Let me heal your injured pokémon and give you one of my home baked donuts'.
Brock: I thought you liked my home baked donuts?
James:(gulping heavily) Uh...
Brock: I guess I just have a lot of pent up anger.
Dino:(suddenly whipping out a pair of glasses and a psychiatrist's couch) And how long have you been feeling this way?
Brock: Well, I guess it all started with my father leaving me to look after my hundreds of brothers and sisters single handed, and run a pokémon gym, while he went off to become a drag queen and shag his boyfriend. Some guy called Jim.
Dino: Really? Thats very interesting.
Brock: And then of course I met Ash and Misty. To begin with I thought they were O.K, but it quickly dawned on me just how incredibly annoying they both are.
Dino: Just how does this "Annoyance" manifest itself?
Brock: Well, Misty has this really grating voice that makes my head want to cave in. And I think she has some jealousy issues regarding my being attracted to nearly every girl I meet except her.
Dino: Now that is interesting. Why are you attracted to so many women?
Brock: I don't know...
Dino: lets try some word association... Father
Brock: Dickhead
Dino: Ash
Brock: Dickhead
Dino: Misty
Brock: Starmie shagging spiky haired drag queen.
Dino:(raising an eyebrow) Uh-huh... James.
Brock: Girl with a dick.
Dino: Anala
Brock: My one true love.
Dino: Liar
Brock: Me
Dino: A gay man over compensating to hide his denial
Brock: Me... Oh, shit.
(James looks shifty and starts to sidle away. Cal n' Jay look worriedly at Dino)
Jay: Er.. Dino?
Dino: Yeah?
Cal: Exactly where did you pull the couch from?
Dino: What?! Jesse's always whipping out mallets and fans and bazookas and you never start making weird assumtions about her! Are we burning these kids or what?
(They all look round, to see Jesse, James and Brock have started the fire smouldering, and are trying to balance the unconsious Misty on her head on a chopping block)
Cal, Jay + Dino: Wait for us!
(Ten minutes later...)
Meowth:(suddenly appearing out of nowhere) Ahh, the smell of burning flesh. Who's cookin?
Jay:(sulkily) My friends.
Dino: Sometimes a few must sacrifice their lives for the many... We needed warmth.
Jay: We're in a forest!!
Dino: But look how much better they burn than wood! And isn't it far more satisfying to watch?
Brock:(happily toasting a pikachu kebab over the smouldering corpses of his former friends and laughing in a rather worrying way) Ash, I choose YOU to DIE!! hee hee hee
James: Ummm, Brock?
Brock: I'm free! I'm free! hee hee hee (he starts rocking backwards and forwards)
Dino:(putting his glasses on again) It seems that things are worse than I originally thought. Maybe I should put him on some Perkium.
(James gets fed up of insinuating and jumps on Brock. Anala grabs Jesse and starts hitting him with her hair)
Meowth: Huh? James? But I thought you loved me!
(He leaps into the fray. Unfortunately he receives a sharp blow to the head, and reverts to Nyase)
Nyase: NYA-NY-YAAAAA!!
(Everyone screams and runs, snatching up their various food items as they pass the smouldering remains of Misty and Ash. Suddenly, in front of them, several pretty smoke bombs go off)
Cassidy: Prepare for trouble!
Jesse: Cassidy! I dumped you twice already, get over it!
Butch:(carrying on regardless) And make that double!
(Everyone falls over laughing at Butch's voice except for Jay, who lurches towards him drooling)
Cassidy: You insensitive bastards! He's got emphasema!
(a wild screeching sounds from the distance. Nyase flys through the air and scratch attacks Cassidy. In a desperate attempt to keep some her skin, she picks up Butch (he's as skinny as a very skinny thing) and hits Nyase round the head with him. He re-reverts to Meowth)
(Cassidy runs away crying, her hands plastered over her ruined face. Butch tries to follow her, but Jay is attached to his ankle)
Cal:(to Meowth) Er... why?
Meowth: Ah, she pisses me off.
Dino: And how long have you been feeling this way?
Cal: STOP IT! (she pulls a mallet out of her skirt and starts hitting him with it)
Dino: Hah! you can do it!
Cal: Wha? (starts hyperventilating)
Dino: It's O.K. You're a cartoon character, it's perfectly natural to get things out of thin air.
Cal:(doing scarily looking thing) STOP ANALYSING ME!!!
Dino: I sense you have much aggression... would you like to talk about it?
Butch:(from underneath Jay) help me... I can't breathe...
Brock:(from underneath James) don't help me, I'm fine...
Cal: Isn't this story getting unnecessarily smutty?
Dino: Huh? What do mean, unnecessarily?
Meowth:(looking at James) [sniff]
Cal: Never mind, Meowth, I happen to know Jay has a bit of a thing for you...
Dino: She does? How long has she been feeling this way towards Meowths?
Cal: AAARRGH! (she starts hitting Dino with the mallet)
Dino: O.K, I'm sorry alright. But we really ought to get her off my little brother. She really needs therapy. First team twerp, now meowth. What next? A jynx?
(Everyone shudders)
Cal:(looking critically at her partner) Better make that a straight jacket.
(Dino gently lifts the dazed Jay off Butch and sits her next to Meowth who starts flirting with her. Dino then picks James off Brock, puts Brock on Butch and plonks James under a tree for later.)
Dino: It's like a midsummer nights dream this. Which would make me Oberon and James, Titania. Hear that James? You're finally a fairy queen!!
Jessie: He was that a LONG time ago...
James:(suddenly recovering from Brock-induced stupor) Fairy PRINCESS!!
Dino+Cal: Okaaaay... (they accidentally glance round and see Jay and Meowth doing things) AGGGHHHH!! Ewwww! Go away!!
Cal: She's got a vibrating Pikachu, you know.
Meowth: Reeeeally?
Jay:(going red) Kinda...
Dino: RIGHT! That's IT! You two, bugger off and find a room somewhere. Cal, bring the boys and lets find the twerp barbeque.
(They search the forest for some time and finally find the smouldering fire about to go out.)
Jessie: Damn it.
Dino:(kicking the Ash. Geddit? kicking the Ash? Ha!) Hmm, they shouldn't have burnt that quickly, even with the firelighters I used...
Ash:(appearing from the bushes with third degree burns) Hah! I challenge you to a pokémon battle! Charmander I choose you!
Cal: Oh please.
Jessie:(picking up a bottle of Sake and pouring it over the fire pokémon) Are these edible too?
Dino: Wow, you're really getting into this aren't you? Yeah, but I happen to like Charmanders so I won't cook this one if it's all the same to you. For now at least.
Cal: Oh go on. You know you want charmander fritters. Go on.
Dino: No.
Cal: Go on.
Dino: No.
Ash: Aren't we gonna have a battle?
James: What with? We ate your pikachu, and fizzled your charmander.
Dino:(sniggering) Why don't you go through those trees over there and let Jay introduce you to the wonders of manhood?
Cal: And Bestiality.
(Everyone laughs in a superior and smutty way)
Ash: Huh?
Everyone else: Never mind...
Ash: I wanna pokémon battle!
Cal: Fine. Gorwyn! I chose you!
(a huge dragonite appears)
Ash: What's that? (He pulls out his lightly melted pokedex. They make them things tough)
Cal: Gorwyn! Bite attack! Now!
(The dragonite bites Ash neatly in two, then spits the top half off into the trees. It disappears with a faint *ping*. The dragonite then proceeds to clean out the inside of it's mouth with it's front paws in a very cute way)
Everyone: Awww.
Misty: It's so cute!
Cal: Huah? Where did she come from?
Dino: NNNnnnnnoooOOOooo! Curse you Hell Whore!
(Dino unsheaths his samurai swords and starts chasing around the ginger haired bitch)
Misty: Eeep! Psyduck protect me!
Psyduck: Psy?
(Dino skids to a halt in front of the small psychic pokemon.)
Misty: Psyduck do something!
Psyduck: Psy?
Dino: Psyduck SIT!
(Psyduck sits.)
Psyduck: Psy psy.
Dino: Psyduck come here.
(Psyduck waddles towards Dino and hugs his leg.)
Psyduck: Psyyy.
Cal: (to Misty) Have you spent any quality time with that pokémon? I mean, you must be a really pathetic trainer, not to be able to train and command a Psyduck properly.
Misty: OhhHH, YOU'LL PAY FOR THAT!
Dino: (raising an eyebrow) Oh dear, Brat Rage attack.
Misty: Staryu go! Water gun attack!
Dino: Arrrgh! It's ejaculating!
Cal: Eww! Stop being so damn Freudian!
Misty: Huh?
Cal: Small child, I have a proposition for you. I will trade you this big strong Spearow for your Psyduck.
Misty: Okay! Hey, wait, I only like water Pokemon... Apart from Oddish and Togepi. Anyway, we haven't got one of those big complicated machines they use to trade.
(Cal and Dino do scary Team R laughs. Actually scary laughs that is, unlike James, who failed the Evil Laughs class in the training course)
Dino: Foolish child! Your brain must be as stupid as your hair. Only bizarre Paedophilic men with huge mustaches use those machines. Normal people swap Pokéballs.
Misty: Oh...
Cal: (to Dino) She's amazingly stupid, considering she's almost a gym leader.
Misty: (sweatdropping) Do you want to trade or not?
Cal: Oh yeah. Here you go.
(They swap Pokéballs. Cal and Dino exchange a furtive glance)
Dino: NOW!
(They both draw their swords and slice the brat into teensy tiny pieces.)
Cal: (retrieving her Spearow) Heh heh. I love messin' with their minds.
(Giovanni emerges from a clump of neatly placed trees and laughs evilly.)
Giovanni: Moohaaahaahaahaa...
Cal: Where the fuck did he come from?
Dino: I dunno.
Scone: I'm sorry alright, I ran out of ideas.
Jessie: You're pathetic.
(Jessie's outfit suddenly turns into a large and bulky clown suit.)
Jessie: You bitch!
(Jessie's hair turns into cassidy style bunches. Jessie screams and faints.)
Scone: (now drunk on power) Moo haa haa haa.
(James suddenly gets a beatles style haircut)
James: Hey! What's going on?
Ceefax: D'ya think we should just quit while we're ahead?
(Scone is about to answer when the Colonel from Monty Python jumps out of the bushes)
Colonel: Now stop that! It's silly. Very silly indeed. It started out as a nice little idea about killing annoying pokémon, but now it's just got silly. Let's have something much more sensible... Pokémon recipes.
Dino's pokémon cookbook part one: (I hope you aren't squeemish as I have been indulging my darker side a little here.)
Seafood and Vegetable Stirfry:
serves 6
ingredients:
1 oddish,
the plant part of a bulbasaur
6oz of deepfried gyarados scales
3pd lapras steak
tentacool tentacles
1 skinned and filleted goldeen
2 cloysters
soy sauce to taste.
1) Make sure that the oddish is fresh by poking it. If it squeals, get a large meat cleaver and be careful to slice it thinly. You should also prepare the bulbasaur plant at this point, it should have already been separated from the bulbasaur by your butcher, but if not, your meat cleaver will make short work of it. Remove the outer leaves, cut off the long tentacle thingies and julienne the remains.
2) Bring a large pan of water to the boil and add the live cloysters. slam a lid on quickly to foil any escape plans they may have and simmer on a slow heat for 20 minutes.
3) Carefully slice the goldeen fillet and lapras steak into strips then add them to a well oiled pan until brown. While you are waiting, wrestle with your tentacool and cut off its tentacles. I advise you to cover it's mouth with a sponge or towel to stop yourself being covered with tentacool ink and blood. It's screams should stop ringing in your ears after five or ten minutes.
4) Add the oddish slices and bulbasaur leaves to the pan, sprinkle with soy sauce to taste. Now add the deep fried gyarados scales and toss for five minutes.
5) Your Cloysters are cooked! Take them out of the pan and open with a crow bar. If they have survived, whack them with an empty frying pan or stab them with a skewer. The should be dead now, so cut them in half and add them to the pan.
Serve immediately with a side salad of vileplume leaves and seaweed.
pokémon meatballs
serves 6
ingredients:
1 nidoqueen
2 rattatta
1 togepi
victreebel leaves
parmesan
oregano
seasoning
breadcrumbs
for the sauce:
1 bulbasaur plant
butter
milk
2 vileplume
1) First, you need to slay your Nidoqueen and Rattatta. If you have a heavy duty industrial mincer, you can put them straight in, but if not, I suggest you get your hunter to remove their teeth for you before attempting anything. If you prefer the indirect approach and have plenty of time on your hands, set up three large pokémon rat traps with chunks of cheese on each. It is quicker however, to just whack them into submission with a large saucepan.
2) Remove the leaves from the victreebel. This is very hazardous as they tend to want to eat your head, or at least give it a good suck. I suggest you summon it from it's pokéball in a secure area, and wear plenty of heavy duty breathing equipment, available from any good deep sea diving shop. Then, strap a large spike to your head. This is crucial. Once you are appropriately dressed and the pokémon is summoned, encourage it to suck your head. Need I say more? Remove it's grip from your head with a large knife and strip off its leaves.
3) Next up, togepi! Wear industrial earmuffs to shut out it's incessant and rather grating squeals. Crack it open very gently, then empty it's lifeless corpse out of the shell and into a large mixing bowl. Add the parmesan, seasonings and breadcrumbs. Stir, then add the minced rattatta and nidoqueen. Shred the victreebel leaves and add them too.
4) For the sauce: hack the plant off the bulbasaur with a carving knife, cut off the tendrils and remove the outer leaves. Julienne the remains. Now, get your two vileplume, hack them in half with a samurai long sword and squash both halves over a industrial pokémon squeezer. Melt the butter in a large pan and then add the milk, bulbasaur leaves and vileplume juice.
5) Pour over the meatballs and serve.
Togepi Benedict
Ingredients:
For the Hollandaise
70ml white wine vinegar
80ml water
2 small bulbasaurs, skinned and chopped.
2 victreebel leaves.
2 gravellers
400g unsalted butter
5 togepis
To serve:
8 slices of nidorino
muffins
5 togepis
1) Boil a large pan of water. Now, crack open the togepis, ignoring their incesseant squalling and poach in the boiling water. Make sure you watch them cook. Not for any particular reason, it's just very satisfying.
2) Grab your nidorino, put it in a large G-clamp (available in any good hardware store) and slice thinly with a samurai sword. Dont forget to wear your ear muffs, you don't want to damage your ears.
3) For the Hollandaise; grab your bulbasaurs, knock them out with a tenderising mallet (or anything else that comes to hand) and then place a thin cut down their bellies. Remove the skin in one go, gently cutting it away from any of the tougher bits. Hack off the head, gut and fillet it and then dice the remains.
4) Take your Gravellers and place them in a large pepper grinder. Alternatively, for those of you who prefer a more hands on approach, you can use and industrial sander, just so long as the gravellers become gravel. (HAR! har har. Ahem. Sorry.)
5) Put the vinegar, water, bulbasaurs, gravellers and the victreebel leaves (you should have some saved from the meatballs) into a sauce pan and reduce. Strain and set aside, melt the butter and simmer for 5mins or so.
6) put the rest of the togepis into a bowl and poke them. Enjoy their squeals for mercy, savour them, laugh evilly. It's important to take time out for yourself now and then. Now whisk them gently with half the vinegar mixture over a bowl of water. Now trickle in the butter, add the vinegar sauce and season with salt and pepper
To serve, grill the muffins then add a slice of nidorino and a poached togepi to each, followed with a dollop of hollandaise.
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