The Mini-Blake's 7 Couch Potatoes.

Series One, Episode One.
The Way Back.

Ravella appears. Bert, who has no idea of the torments that are to await him in later series, greets her with...

Bert: What is she wearing? (Sarcastically) God, the future's happy.

Ceefax: It's not meant to be!

Bert: I love those doors! I love those doors! Those are such pretty doors! I don't have much of a life, but...

Dal Richie is introduced, and Bert complains that he's leering at Blake.

Ceefax: (Disbelievingly) Leering at who?

Bert: Him! What's-'is-bum. Blake. Roj. Rojjie. Ooo, nice stair shot! He's mincing a bit.

Ceefax: Mmmm-hmm. Lots of mincing. It's all the leather trousers.

Richie: Well? Are you coming?

Bert: Er... By the look of it, yes.

Richie demonstrates his dangerous rebellious nature by opening the outside door.

Bert: Bit of a crap security system, isn't it? Take off the wall and stick a couple of wires in it...

Blake: What is it?

Bert: It's a wig. No, I'm sure she's got lovely hair. I'm sure she's a very lovely woman. Phwoar, look at the shoes...

It's the first appearence of hideous evil traitor Dev Tarrant.

Bert: Why does his hair match his clothes?

But Bert's still a bit hung up on the lock-picking techniques.

Bert: So, if you stick a couple of nipply things on the light bulbs, it opens the door?

Ceefax: Yes.

Bert: That was never in basic training.

The action is briefly ignored as Ceefax explains that Star Wars came out during the first season, which Bert finds very funny. However the discussion is interrupted as the rebels exit the city via a slightly wobbly ladder.

Bert: Hold on with both hands. Bad man. Bad bad bad.

Blake protests about the legal ramifications of covertly attempting to overthrow the government.

Bert: I can tell from the start Blake's going to be a whiney little sod. 'Ooo, I can't go outside, it's all cold, I ain't got me thermos...'

Ceefax has a horrible feeling she's going to have another Avon fan on her hands, but tactfully says nothing. Meanwhile, Ravella is jogging, slightly.

Bert: Run! Run! Run in your stillettos. Or whatever they have in the future...

Ceefax: Yep, stillettos. Lots of stillettos.

Bert: Oh, kinky!

There's a shot of the dome from outside.

Bert: Once away from the huge breasts they head to the woods for a nice bit of fun and frolics in the river.

Pause.

Ceefax: Not a lot of frolicing going on.

Bert: (looking at Blake) Doesn't look too thrilled to be alive, does he?

Ravella: Doesn't it bother you that you spend your life in a state of drug-induced tranquility?

Bert: Woo-hoo!

Blake: I've had no treatments.

Bert: You should get some. Quite a few. Lots and lots.

There's another shot of the dome, which seems to have an adverse effect on Bert.

Bert: Away from the big breasts! They're the breasts of the future; that's what we're going to do, all of us are going to be breasts in the future!

Ceefax edges away slowly.

Bert: That's the rebel base?

Ceefax: Yes.

Bert: Not tacky enough.

In the rebel base, Blake and co. encounter some Outsiders.

Bert: They're eyeing up Blake as well!

And then Foster appears.

Bert: So, all the others are wearing drab, boring clothes, and he's wearing something from Big Gay Al's closet?

Ceefax: He's a rebel!

Bert: (doing Big Gay Al impression) Oh, I can tell honey!

Foster: Now, this isn't going to be easy for you, but I'm going to have to tell you things about yourself of which you have no memory.

Bert: You were a Vietnamese prostitute.

Ceefax: (doing Ming Li impression) Sucky sucky, five dollar!

Bert: (also doing Ming Li impression) Hey, soldier boy!

Bert berates Blake during the meaningful close-ups section for not looking at the right camera.

Ceefax: You're not the director, man!

Bert: Could have done a better job if I was.

Bert then berates the guard during the oft-repeated flashback for hitting like a girl. Then does impressions of girly-hitting Federation guards. Ceefax claims the mind-control machine runs on Porygons. Generally, a good job is made of destroying any emotional resonance the sequence may once have contained.

Blake: Why are you telling me this now?

Bert: Because I love you.

Foster: It's all true.

Bert: Oh, well that proves it, then. Obviously. If the old guy says it's all true... What is he wearing 'round his shoulders?

Ceefax: I don't know, but it's shimmery.

Bert: Ew.

The situation then degenerates into an argument about Romulan shoulder pads. Meanwhile, Foster takes the stage.

Ceefax: Look at his poncy trousers.

Bert: Very tight.

Bert spots God inamoungst the rebels. While Ceefax is still failing to see what he's on about, Federation troopers arrive.

Bert: Ooo no! There's... a load of people. In cars. And they've got... things... and... and...

Pause, during which Foster's deep bass rumble makes the TV vibrate.

Bert: Okay, if these guards are trying to be scary, they're not very... well, scary.

Ceefax: They can't afford to be scary, it's a BBC sci-fi show.

Bert: Dr Who was sooo much better than this.

Ceefax: (Getting quite indignant) It's only the first episode! Look at the first episode of Dr Who, look at this!

Bert: True...

Foster's booming oration continues.

Bert: He looks like he belongs in a pantomime.

Ceefax: Yeah, he does actually, doesn't he...

Bert: He'll be slapping his thighs and singing songs about horses, next.

The massacre of the rebels begins.

Bert: That one's God! There!

Ceefax: The one that just got shot?

Bert: Yes!

Ceefax: Oh my God, they killed God!

Bert: You bastards!

Ceefax: (about Foster) He does stand out quite a bit in the crowd of corpses, doesn't he?

Bert: Yeah, it's like 'oh no, look at all the dead people... and the bright one with all the colours!' Blake looks a bit smug, doesn't he? Oh no! He's been caught by the scary people! Who aren't scary... Is that a minidisc player in the corner? And... the exact same flashback. How often does he do this?

Blake is now under the tender loving care of Havant.

Bert: He's way too smug for a psychiatrist. 'Ah, I know you're mad, so I'm going to question you smugly about it.'

Havant: Reality is a dangerous concept.

Bert: Hell, yes.

Blake expresses shock.

Bert: He looks like he sat on a dildo.

Blake expresses discomfort and fear.

Ceefax: And I don't think he likes it very much...

Bert: (in a Blake-sitting-on-a-dildo voice) 'Please get it out! It's quite uncomfortable! It's starting to wiggle!' And I bet he put it there! The nasty psychiatrist man who's way too smug!

Blake: I can't remember! I CAN'T REMEMBER!

Bert: It's not my fault! Stop shouting at me, you scary man!

The scene changes to Glynd's office.

Bert: Meanwhile, in the scary boss people's lounging suite, they sit around and watch Blake... It's bloody Big Brother! Look! Davina McCall's going to come running in at any minute...

Ceefax: Ugh! Ah! Noooo...!

Bert: Those sofas do not look comfortable. (About Morag) Why does she look like she's having a big long fart?

Ceefax: Maybe she is.

Morag: Doctor, am I right in thinking you can create experiences, implant them into a subject, who will then believe that they really happened?

Bert: Well, yes, look at you. Does she have any real purpose besides being a smug old cow?

Morag: Doctor, would you come with me please.

Havant: As you wish.

Bert: Ooo, kinky! So that's her other purpose...

Bert is greatly taken with Glynd's hissy doors, until...

Bert: Oh no! It's blond limpy man! He's a twaitor!

Meanwhile, back in the cells, a Federation guard checks Varon's credentials.

Bert: Nice helmet.

Ceefax collapses in hysterics.

Bert: Well, honestly. How can he read through it, anyway? And why is the Blake's 7 logo everywhere? Plugging the show at all... Ooo, it's visiting time. Wait, he's not Blake's mother!

Ceefax: Blake's mother's dead, weren't you listening?

Bert: No.

Blake: There can be no justification for deliberate murder.

Bert: Can you have accidental murder?

Blake: Well, if there is any evidence, it's been faked!

Bert: He would say that, wouldn't he?

Blake: I will offer no defense.

Bert: You're going to die, then.

Ceefax scares Bert slightly by remembering what Cygus Alpha is called. (It's called Cygnus Alpha...)

Blake: I've got to hand it to them...

Bert: Oh, no, don't hand it to them... and that's the light bulb. The light bulb isn't to blame...

With an elegant fade, we enter the courtroom. Varon's robes of office are displayed for the first time.

Bert: Ooh, nice! Look, big capey cloaky thing! Ooo! Ooo! Hope he trips over on the stairs!

Again, Bert berates Blake for looking at the wrong camera.

Bert: When was this made?

Ceefax: Er... '78?

Bert: That explains his haircut.

Ceefax: Oi! My mum's got that haircut!

Bert: (Pointing at Varon) What, that one?

Ceefax: No, Blake's one.

Bert: Your mum's Blake's 7!

Ceefax: She isn't, there's only one of her!

Bert: She's a clone, only... er... female. You are the spawn of Blake!

Ceefax: Agh!

Bert: You're a Blakette!

Ceefax: Arrgh! Oh, wait, that's kinda cool, actually...

The trial begins.

Bert: Who's playing the music? In the future, every courtroom will have a three-piece orchestra...

The Arbiter appears.

Bert: She looks as if she's sucking a lemon.

Ceefax: She looks like someone's sucking her under the table.

Bert: Ugh! Actually... Yeah, you're right... (doing Arbiter impression) Oh! Humphrey! Wait, Humphrey's not a very futuristic name... Humphrey-Alpha.

Bert is puzzled by the justice computer.

Bert: Ooo... Shiny balls... Is that it? Your fate is decided by a little machine with flashy balls inside it?

Ceefax: I used to have a troll like that.

Bert: That decided your fate?

Ceefax: It had flashy eyes. You were supposed to ask it questions... Except it always landed on red. It was a very negative little troll...

Bert: (Pointing at the Clerk) I think he was licking her. He looks very worried.

Blake is knocked out by the evil guards, and chucked in a holding cell, after...

Bert: Ah, the same old flashbacks. Running... running... He thinks he's in Baywatch... Hang on, all the guards have guns apart from him with the stick. Had he been told off or something?

In the holding cell, Jenna makes her first appearance.

Bert: Is that Britt Ekland?

Ceefax: No!

Bert: Damn! I fancied a nice bit of Britt.

Vila starts as he means to go on by pinching Blake's wallet and watch.

Bert: Okay... you're pickpocketing even though you're in jail... (about Jenna) It's nice to see that in the future, even criminals get their hair done. Ooo, lots of chemistry, there...

Ceefax: Between whom, exactly?

Bert: (Pointing at Vila and Jenna) Them! Bint and bloke.

Cut to Varon's bedroom. A peice of futuristic art in the background catches Bert's eye.

Bert: That's a big toilet.

Ceefax: Well, he must have a huge arse.

Varon and Maja kiss.

Bert: Ooo, rumpy pumpy! I think he was in on it. Or at least he will be, once she's stopped talking...

Maja: What do you mean?

Varon: I don't know.

Bert: No wonder he's such a crap lawyer.

In the public records office, Bert is thoroughly confused by the records of the children.

Bert: It makes no sense, it's just random words and letters and numbers... Agh! Windows!

More records are called up.

Bert: What?! What are you gaining from all this?! Aggghhh! And they're all too smug! Stop being smug! It's Blake's Smugen...

Operator: This didn't happen, of course.

Bert: I'm afraid this series did happen...

Ceefax: Oi!

Bert: Sorry...

Yet more records...

Bert: Oooohh... I don't understand their stupid wobbly computer.

Varon: Mental implantation?

Maja: What's that?

It is agreed that Maja is the Dr. Who companion-style character, who's only there to have things explained to her.

Bert: It's a yogurt, dear... Her eyes are way too big for her head.

Varon: The meeting place -- how did you get to it?

Blake: I, I don't know. It was dark...

Bert: ...there was water, and nipples, and big branchy things...

Ceefax: What nipples?

Bert: The domes! They had little ones on top! It is real!

Blake: Well, I'd seen him before, at the meeting.

Bert: At the beach?

Ceefax: At the meeting.

Bert: Oooh... That makes more sense, they didn't go to the beach.

Varon: Well, first I'm going to talk to my superior and get a holding order on you so that at least you can stay here on Earth while I investigate.

Bert: And then I'm going to spank you... with this woman here, whose name I can't remember... (to Maja) who are you, anyway?

Ceefax: (doing an impression of Bob's scary wife from The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert) I your wife!

Bert: Ugh! Not the ping-pong balls!

Jenna reappears.

Bert: Her make-up's even perfect!

P.A.: Attention security personnel. Launch is advanced to seventeen hundred hours Earth time.

Bert: So, leg it.

Vila: That's about eight hours.

Bert: Oh no... Eight hours with nothing to do but masturbate like a monkey... What? It'll pass the time.

Varon discusses the matter with Glynd, who agrees to issue a holding order.

Bert: (about Glynd) He's far too leery... I think we've found the paedophile...

The hissy doors are back.

Bert: I'd hate to get my arse caught in one of those doors...

Ceefax: Ssssss.... OW!

Varon: Something ... there's something not ... "to look for those tunnels" ... I didn't say anything about tunnels.

Maja: What?

Ceefax and Bert giggle.

Bert: She is just confused for the whole thing, isn't she? 'Would you like a drink?' 'What?'

Ceefax: 'I don't understand... Please explain it to me... I'm so innocent... Oh! What's that?' 'It's a wall.' 'A wall? My goodness!'

Bert: Why are there sculptures everywhere?

Ceefax: Because it's the future.

Bert: Nobody looks very happy.

Ceefax: They're not supposed to, they live under a vicious, brutal regime of death.

Meanwhile, Varon and Maja (well, Varon mainly...) have a cunning plan...

Varon: Sorry to call you again, but are there any clinical records about the matter? Treatment charts, medical notes?

Havant: Yes, of course. They're in my office. You want them?

Bert: No, just asking. I'm a nosy git, really.

Varon: (To Maja) You go to the clinic and pick up the records...

Bert: (Doing Maja impression) The what?

Cut back to the holding cell, where Blake and Jenna are despairing, against a moody backdrop of an empty cell.

Bert: Where's everyone gone? Ah, Blake, in his desperation, has eaten all the other prisoners...

Ceefax: No, look, there's someone's leg...

Bert: That's all that's left of him! Run, woman, run! Run Britt!

Jenna: Now it's getting close, I'm getting scared.

Ceefax: (Doing Jenna impression) Hold me!

Bert: At least your make-up's fine...

Maja approaches the Outside door.

Bert: No, love, he said reception...

Varon: Yes, we can build a case on these.

Bert: It'd be a bit small...

The door opens, almost clonking Maja on the head.

Ceefax and Bert: (Doing Maja impressions) What was that?

Bert: Take her to the river. Ha! Water! Drown her! Oh no, it's the big breasts... Booooobies...

Meanwhile back in the holding cell, a shouty guard appears.

Bert: He's American...

Ceefax: Fake American...

Bert is not impressed by the tape camera. Or the Federation's cover-up abilities. However as far as the London is concerned...

Bert: At least they get comfy seats...

Guard: All right, come on, move. Keep moving. Come on, faster. Keep your voice down. Find the seat that's allocated to you and sit in it.

Bert: Just like exams...

The threat of confinement also fails to have the desired effect.

Bert: So, instead of having a seat belt on, they put a big harness thing around you. Oh no, the terror. Oooh.. and with some crappy animation, off it goes...

Ceefax: Just look at the frame rate...

Tarrant bumps off Varon and Maja.

Bert: That's a very dodgy position... How embarassing, dying while you're giving your boyfriend a blow-job... Meanwhile, on the S.S.S. Happyship...

Ceefax: Er, it's called the London...

Bert: The S.S.S. Happy London, then. (Doing Father Jack impression) We're happy campers!

Guard: Take a long look. That's the last you'll ever see of it.

Bert: Ooo no...

Blake: No, I'm coming back.

Bert: Well, that was fun, wasn't it?