The Mini-Blake's 7 Couch Potatoes.

Series One, Episode Two.
Space Fall.

And now, the second episoode. Bert and Ceefax sit eagerly waiting for the theme tune to begin... Well, Bert is, as Ceefax has heard it a billion times.

The show starts very abruptly.

Bert: Oh....

Ceefax: Sorry, I forgot I didn't tape the credits for this one.

The episode opens on the bridge of the London, which is transporting the prisoners, including Blake, to Cygnus Alpha. One of the bridge crew reads out some stats.

Bert: He looks dead!

Ceefax: Which one?

Bert: The pilot, he was drooling over the counter...

While the crew perform a systems check, Bert is still hung up on the pilot.

Bert: Look, he looks dead!

Ceefax: He does look a bit bored, dosn't he? He's like 'yeah... space ship... flying... great...'

The camera goes to the other pilot.

Bert: This one's more lively, 'yey, yey, space ooh, ohh groovy!!'

The first pilot, Raiker, says something to the captain, who suprises Bert.

Bert: Where the hell did he come from?! Where did the fat guy come from? He just appeared in the chair!

Raiker checks his watch.

Bert: It's nice to see that in the future they still need their watches.

Ceefax: Yup.

The second pilot looks nervous and repeats his lines.

Bert: Look at him! He's all skittish! How much coffee has he had? He's all "wha..ye!!who?"

Ceefax: (dreamily) He's got nice hair, it's quite strokable.

Bert: (also dreamily) ...yeah...

The captain starts to tell his crew what's going on, while Bert gets distracted by the set.

Bert: That flashing thing in the background is really annoying me... (as the camera points at Raiker)... Not him, I don't want him to flash. (seeing the futuristic clipboard) How can he read that? It's just random symbols.

Ceefax: Ah, futuristic.

Bert: Which he's dotting with a lightbulb.

The other pilot picks up a communications device, which looks like a pen with a thing on the top.

Bert: Why's he sticking a pen in his ear?

Ceefax: (In a smutty voice... very much like her normal one) Because he likes it...

Bert: It's like a clear-your-earwax sorta device.

Someone reports that there is active meteorite action about eighteen hours ahead.

Ceefax: Ooh, active meteorites...

Bert: BANG! Did I say eighteen hours? I meant eighteen seconds.

Bert points at Raiker accusingly.

Bert: Stop looking so lecherous, you git!

Ceefax: Which one?

Bert: Him! The one who looks dead.

Ceefax: Oh, him.

Someone leaves the flight deck and Bert is immediately distracted by the doors.

Bert: And these doors are boring! I preferred the ones on Earth that went "Shuuuooom." You know, they sucked your bum in!

Ceefax: (through giggles) Well, if that's the sort of thing you're into...

Bert: Yeah! You get liposuction as you go through! These doors are just boring.

Ceefax: (in mock sympathy for Bert and his door dilemma) ahhh...

Bert: (again distracted) Their uniforms are boring!

Ceefax: They look like dinner lady outfits.

Bert: (in dramatic voice) In space, dinner ladies now rule...

Ceefax: Agh!

The scene cuts to the transport room where the prisoners are all sitting looking very bored, apart from Blake, who is glaring.

Bert: We would like to remind all passengers that coffee and biscuits will be served in half an hour. Thank you for flying air... (has to think... gives up)... whatever, and we hope Blake gets a smile on his face eventually.

Raiker informs the prisoners that there are a few things they should know.

Bert: I'M A WOMAN!!!!

Bert and Ceefax have a brief lapse of hysterical laughter. Then Bert sees Jenna.

Bert: Yey!! Britt Ekland!!!

Ceefax: (getting annoyed) It's not Britt Ekland!!

Bert: It is Britt Ekland!!!

Ceefax: (pleads) Stooop!

Raiker continues to talk to the prisoners... Bert opts to ignore him. Bert notices that Blake is looking a bit vacant.

Bert: (waving hand) Blaa-aakkke? What's he looking at? He's spotted something...

Ceefax: I think he's glaring at the camera man. "Don't you point that thing at me, I'll get you afterwards..."

Bert: "For I am the star!!!!"

Raiker tells the prisoners that they have no rights whatsoever.

Bert: Oh my god, it's the NHS...

Ceefax: It's not, it's Sparta College!

Bert: Where's Kekkou when you need her?? Oh my god, Blake could be Kekkou!!! NoooooOOOOOO!!! How come Britt's the only woman?

Ceefax: (getting annoyed again) Her name's not Britt!!

Bert: Oh, alright, Jenna... Is that her name? Jenna, Fenna, Whena, whatever. (Looking at the seats and their restraints) I wonder how you pee in them things...

Ceefax: I think you just pee on any guard who happens to walk past.

Raiker asks Blake's name, to which he responds 'Blake'. "Oh, so you're Blake?" says Raiker.

Ceefax: Duh...

Bert: No, my names actually Mindy, I'm lying to you... Blake went that way...

Raiker: "Well, let me tell you something, Blake..."

Bert: (Hopefully) You're a woman?

(Ceefax giggles)

Bert: (Defensively) I'm convinced someone in this will turn out to be a woman! ...Possibly that Jenna woman, I'm not sure...

Ceefax: Yeah, in fact she does turn out to be a woman.

Bert: (surprised) Really?! You could never tell...

Raiker looks smug.

Bert: What is it with this program and smug people? It's like Blakes Smuglet.

Ceefax: Yes. Yes, it is.

Raiker makes the computer remove Blake's harness.

Bert: Let's hope it's not run by Microsoft... "fatal error in harness" and it just squeezes him harder...

Jenna tells a guard her name.

Bert: (In slight disbelief) Jenna Stannis?

Ceefax: Yes.

Bert: Ok, who was paid to find the names for this program?

Ceefax: ME!!

Bert: You're fired.

Bert burps, gaining applause from Ceefax.

Bert: It would appear the fish is retaliating against Blake's 7...

(Note - Bert ate fish before doing this)

Bert: (Noticing Jenna and the guard) She was looking at his penis!!! And he was looking at hers!!!!

Ceefax: No, I told you, she's a woman...

Bert: There are operations.... Did she just nibble his ear? No, I think she actually ate it, she's chewing...

The guard slaps Jenna very badly.

Bert: OOH!! DRAMATIC!! I thought this was Blake's 7, not Dynasty... "Oh you hussy!!" (mimes a slap)

Jenna tells the others that the guard is going to enjoy giving them a hard time.

Ceefax: And she enjoys giving her a hard time...

Bert: Er... HIM a hard time.

Ceefax: Ah, somebody.

Bert: Somebody gets a hard time.

Ceefax: Just hard times for everyone... Just great big lashes of big hard... (trails off)

Avon is looking at a note.

Bert: Ah, a letter from mum. (in pepperpot voice) "I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET ARRESTED!"

Blake: "Do you know how those door panels work?"

Bert: Yes, they open.

Ceefax: And you walk through them.

Bert: Or just walk into one.

Vila informs anyone who's listening that Avon was caught by a man who was only a bit more intelligent than him. They find that he was arrested for stealing money from a bank.

Bert: It was probably his own...

Ceefax: 'Damm!! That was my account!' 'Ah, but we're going to arrest you anyway!'

Avon asks Blake to define the problem.

Bert: We're fucked. ...or, big space ship taking us to prisoner colony, not likely to survive, long, long series to do this with, probably a bad running time, and we all die in the end. Anyone want to add to that one? (after a pause)... what's our wage packet?

Ceefax: Hehehehe... packet...

The prisoners discuss how the ship's crew are likely to kill them off to save some time.

Bert: So why not just kill them on Earth?

Ceefax: Good point... More cost effective. I mean, it is a huge evil regime with mind control for everyone. They could have just shot them in the head and no-one would have been bothered.

Bert: But then you wouldn't have much of a series, would you?

Ceefax: Well, that's true... Blake's None of Them...

Bert: Blake's... Oh Bugger They're Dead...

Avon does something.

Bert: He is a lovely little man isn't he...

Jenna starts to tell them all about the ship, Bert thinks he can do a better job.

Bert: Crap decour, bad food replicators and... I don't know what one of those is, 'cause this isn't Star Trek...

Ceefax: Stop comparing it to Star Trek!

Bert: I never compared it to Star Trek!

Ceefax: You do!

Bert: When?

Ceefax: All the damn time!!!

Bert: I don't!!! Doctor Who, yes...

Another shot of the ship.

Bert: Oooh! Oooh! Here come the special effects!

The ship fires it's rockets which sound like it's passing wind.

Bert: In space, no-one can hear you fart!

The captain starts to talk again, whilst looking at something above him.

Bert: What the hell's that supposed to be?

Ceefax: A viewscreen of some kind...

Bert: It's more like a pin cushion.

The second pilot re-enters the flight deck, carrying a flask and some cups.

Bert: He's not much of a stewardess... (in his stewardess voice) 'I've got you coffee captain...' Put that penis away!!!

Ceefax: What penis? Where? Are you still talking about his damn penis?

Bert: Yes, I am!

Ceefax: Nobody was even looking that time...

The pilot shows the captain something on the viewscreen.

Bert: That's not a penis...

Ceefax: (cries out in anguish)

Bert: Why's he grimacing at the camera?

Ceefax: He probably just read the end of the script...

Something weird happens to the viewscreen.

Bert: Oooh! Trippy!! I've got a screen saver like that!

Ceefax: Cool!

Bert: Not really, no...

The ship shakes, and the thermos falls over.

Bert: No!!! Not the coffee!!!!... Those beakers are crap... Meanwhile, Blake is wedging himself between walls... He's a kinky boy...

Ceefax: Secure prison ship, isn't it?

Bert: Yeah... he looks really happy, dosn't he? "Yey I'm climbing around wires and stuff..."

The ship shakes, revealing more of Blake's body.

Bert: (in disbelief) He's having a wank! His face was going and his arm was going...

Ceefax: Well, he's been locked up in a cell with a billion other people! He'd be grateful for a bit of privacy!

Blake begins to knock on a wall.

Bert: Why's he knocking? "Room service!"

Vila distracts the guard whilst the others open the side panel to let Blake back into the room.

Bert: (On Vila's coat) He's got a nice coat. It's all patchworky and stuff.

Ceefax: And he flirts with the guard to distract him.

Bert: Show him some leg!!

Blake gets out of the wall panel and rejoins the group.

Bert: This is well plotted... The guard's going to see Blake's hair the second he turns around! "Where did that mop top come from?!"

Ceefax: OI!! My mum's got that haircut!

Bert: You always moan about your mum, though!

Ceefax: Well, yeah... but... I will still defend her haircut!

Bert: Ok... "where did that Ceefax's mum's haircut come from?"

Ceefax: ...Anyway...

The scene cuts to where the prisoners were all sitting before.

Bert: So you can just go back and sit in your seat... (sees Blake) That's not his seat!!! That's his seat up there!! Get to your own seat you lazy bastard! (Bert then goes into a series of squeaky noises to show his disapproval of Blake)

Avon tells them how to control the ship in an overly complicated way.

Bert: Don't tart it up! It's sabotage and nothing else. Don't try to make it all glamorous! The camera work is terrible. Nobody makes eye contact with anyone...

Ceefax: I dunno he's looking... Oh! Oh! Look, there's a nice intense stare!

Bert: Oooh, there's a nice shot. There's people doing things in the background... There's Jenna chatting up more people... Fifty quid an hour... that's what the guard's doing! He's taking a list for her!

There is a high pitched noise which begins to get louder.

Bert: Oh no, it's the space otters!!!! (Ceefax giggles) Space otters might make that noise!!! You don't know!!!

Ceefax: You're right, I don't know...

The scene cuts to the flight deck.

Bert: Wow, the coffee's still standing.

Ceefax: And somebody's stood the cups back up.

Bert: Cool! Now that's service! Deep space, and someone's standing cups up for ya!

The pilot says he's getting a reading from something big...

Bert: AND BOUNCY!!

Ceefax: It's Excentrica Galumbits!!

The prisoners are all back in the seating area.

Bert: They've swapped all their seats around!

Ceefax: Never mind...

Bert: I will mind! They go to all that trouble, organizing good seating for them, and Blake filches someone else's seat! Has he wet his own? Is that Christopher Malcolm?

Ceefax: Er... no.

Bert: Looks like him.

The walls start to excrete foam.

Bert: Oh my god, the walls are cumming!

Jenna investigates.

Ceefax: And she likes it! Eat it ya mad bint!

Bert: Mmmmmm... spits or swallows... I don't believe it, the wall just ejaculated over her! I never knew Blake's 7 was this pervy!

Ceefax: That's because everyone's been crawling into the walls to have a wank! It's overflowing...

Bert: There's people looking at penises! There's her making a list for shags! And there's walls cumming on her! This is great!

They have to send someone into the wall again so Vila distracts the guard.

Bert: Stop trying to chat up the guard! ...Whoever you are...

Ceefax: Vila.

Another prisoner disappears into the walls.

Bert: Oh, this guard is useless. Ok, Blake looks very self-satisfied there. He's like "hehehehehe, I'm a rebellious person!"

The prisoner who the gaurd failed to notice is now crawling through the walls looking very nervous.

Bert: I hope he's not claustrophobic.. "Agh, the walls are closing in... Oh the cum's going to get me".... I'll leave the sex thing alone now... as people reading this are going to be very disturbed...

Ceefax: Ah well, they can deal with it.

Bert: I'm going to get some mails of the oddest nature...

Ceefax: That would be cool...

Bert: It would...

Ceefax: (to you, yes you, the one reading this) MAIL US YOU BASTARDS!!

Bert: YES!!! We have a site, you know!! Anyway... (returns his attention back to the TV, where Avon (now in the walls) has found an access panel) Access number fifteen... the ladies' shower room.

The camera pans out to give a full view of the room.

Bert: It's like a T.A.R.D.I.S. control room.

A man walks into frame.

Bert: Who's he?

Ceefax: Just some extra.

Bert: Oh... He's kinda cute.

Ceefax: Yeah?

Bert: Not bad... hair's a bit...

Ceefax: All over the place?

Bert: Er... yeah... But I can work around that.

Avon opens the panel and looks into the room.

Bert: Oh, that's hardly subtle...

The scene changes.

Bert: Those are very bad clipboards... Leave his nipples alone!!

Ceefax: What nipples? Whowhatwhere?!

Bert: Him! He keeps poking that guy's nipple! Look! (and then for some reason Bert goes "ningningning" a lot)

Ceefax: They're obviously big on nipples in the future.

The scene cuts back to the T.A.R.D.I.S. type room. The guy who Bert thought was cute gets a close up.

Bert: Ugh!

Ceefax: You said he was cute!

Bert: ...I lied.

Avon looks in on the guard waiting for a chance to get at the control panel. Then leaps from the side panel onto the guard, prompting Bert to do a Xena impression.

Bert: Xena! Futuristic princess... type... thing...

Ceefax: That's no woman!!

Bert: It might be...

The scene cuts back to the nervous man, still in the walls. The ship begins to shake again.

Bert: He's wobbling the set himself.

The man starts to scream.

Bert: No!!!! NO!!!! Not the scripts!!!!

Small holes start to pop open on the walls, and the foam makes a reappearance.

Bert: That's very, very dodgy.

The man dies.

Bert: That's not fair, wait 'till you get the little cute guy in there, and then kill him...

Ceefax: Oh, why do the pretty ones always die young? And covered in wall cum...

Back in the control room, Avon looks over the control panel.

Bert: And now he realises that he's in the wrong room. It's a T.A.R.D.I.S. control room!! Look at it!!!

Ceefax: Not as pretty as most Tardis control rooms.

Bert: True... (gasps) ...ooh! The Rani's!!!

Another extra appears as the scene changes.

Bert: Oh my god, where did that beard come from?

Ceefax: From the place of ugly beards.

Bert: This and Ulysses have got the worst beards ever... And Riker.

Back in the prisoners' area.

Bert: Fenna, get off. Fenna... Jenna... wennawonnawanner...

Ceefax: Jenna.

Bert: Thank you.

Finally the guard spots that something's amiss, but he acts too late as a very large prisoner called Gan grabs him by the throat.

Bert: Get the clipboard, get the clipboard!

Ceefax: Leave the clipboard alone!

Bert: No, I want the clipboard!

The scene cuts to Avon in the control room with the guard at his feet unconscious.

Bert: Agh! the guard's waking up! He's waking up! (Avon steps over the guard) Look down you moron!

Suddenly the guard awakes and attacks Avon.

Bert: Oooh! Manlyness!

Cut back to the prisoners' room.

Bert: (Scornfully) And Blake is armed with a glue gun.

Ceefax: Oh man, glue guns are damn painful, be fair!

Bert: True, but in this situation, are they really going to help?

Ceefax: They're not as good as soldering irons. Those fecking things were lethal. You get a big blob of solder on the end and you flick it.

Bert: (through giggles) I never tried that...

They tell the guard to open the door, but he refuses.

Bert: Glue him to the door!

The guard refuses, so Gan tells him that they only need the hand.

Bert: Oooh! He scary man, he threatens to rip people's arms off!

Ceefax: All the prisoners flirt with the guards... All of them... Dirty, dirty, horny prisoners...

Bert: It's a fun life.

Back in the control room, Avon and the guard are still fighting.

Bert: So... go from strangling him to ripping his cheeks off... and we're not saying which cheeks...

Avon beats the guard and then gains control of the doors. Back on the flight deck, the door opens for no real reason. The captain points at the ceiling and tells Raiker to go down to the computer room to find out what's happening.

Bert: Thats up, though. He pointed up!

Ceefax: Bless him, he's a bit confused.

The scene changes to Blake and Jenna creeping down a corridor.

Bert: Oh dear, it's commando Blake.

Ceefax: (trying to prove a point) Besides, they're in space, so there is no up.

Bert: I don't believe that for a second.

Ceefax: Fine, go into space! You'll see!

Bert: Look, you're standing on the moon. The moon is below you...

Ceefax: No, the moon isn't in space!! When you're on the moon, you're on the moon, not in space, 'cause you're on the bloody moon!

Bert: Ok, you're not on the moon...

Ceefax: No! 'cause then you wouldn't be in space!

Bert: Ok, you're in space, the moon's below you and space is above you, to the left, right and all around. I've got you there!!!!!

Ceefax: ....Balls.

Bert: Not now. Ok, Blake is enjoying that gun too much and... oooh a life ring! (there is a round thing on the wall) In case they sink in space, they've got life rings... of course.

Jenna and Blake see Raiker and a guard coming down the corridor in front of them. Shots are exchanged.

Bert: Well, don't blow your cover at all...

Ceefax: They know they're there, seeing as how they've been shooting at each other.

Bert: Ah, details..

Blake and Jenna leg it into the control room. Raiker and the guard move cautiously towards the door.

Bert: 'If we sneak up on it, we can take the door by surprise...' (noticing Raiker's gun) See, he holds his gun much better. There's more professionism.

Ceefax: Well, he's obviously more experienced with glue guns.

Blake tells Avon to disable the ship.

Bert: Unscrew that light bulb or something.

Avon picks up a long rod thing and asks Jenna to move, so he can shove into the computer.

Bert: Ah, just shove it through her legs.

Ceefax: Oh!

The ships siren noise dies out slowly.

Bert: Ah, that was cute. It was like NuuuuP Nuuup NuuuP Nuuup NuuP Nuup Nup N... die.

Cut to the captain demanding to know what's happening. He is told that some of the prisoners have escaped.

Bert: 'No, I mean this coffee!! It's bad! Is this Kenko?! I think not!'

Cut back to where the other prisoners are. We are treated to a close-up of Gan's chest.

Bert: He's a hairy man.

Two guards appear, and the prisoners quickly capture them.

Bert: Oh, ineffectual or what...

Two more guards appear, and Gan tells them to drop their guns. Vila promptly obeys and drops his gun.

Bert: Not you!

One of the prisoners is shot, and Vila looks embarassed.

Bert: He's a silly man! Why's he such a silly man?

Ceefax: 'Cause he's the comedy one.

Bert: Ah right... and Jenna is the slut.

Ceefax: No, not really...

Bert: What's her purpose, then?

Ceefax: She flies the ship. (Bert looks blank) She's the pilot.

Bert: Ahhhhh! Are you sure that's a job? And Blake's there to look moody... and gruff and manky.

The captain is now talking into one of the pens. He's telling Blake off.

Bert: And I shall talk into this pen for a while, and then I'm going to clean my ears out with it.

In the control room, Blake has his own pen. Hearing the captains demands, Blake now makes his own.

Bert: Oh, stop being so dramatic!

Blake concludes that if anyone tries to force their way into the room, they'll blow up the ship. A prisoner tries to sneak up on the guards outside the control room and is shot.

Bert: Oh, and they've shot a man...

(It was the beardy man who shot him)

Ceefax: That's a horrible, horrible beard...

Bert: It is. Those uniforms are terrible!

Ceefax: They do totally look like dinner ladies.

Bert: His is OK, the nice all-over thing. Got the kind of Slipknot boiler suit look... Blake's 7 and Slipknot... I somehow can't see that one working too well.

Raiker tells the captain that he needs a free hand to take any necessary action.

Bert: Well, here's mine.

Followed by both Ceefax and Bert making suggestive noises.

Bert: This is such a pervy program!!!

Ceefax: Yup!

Back in the control room, they have tied the guard up with red wire.

Bert: Ooooh! Kinky!

Ceefax: Tieing people up with liquorice...

Bert: No, it's strawberry laces, liquorice is the black one.

Ceefax: Sorry...

Avon declares that he values his life.

Bert: I don't.

Ceefax: I don't, either.

Blake says that he wants to go back to Earth and destroy the Federation.

Bert: Won't they see you coming? Oh, big ship, I wonder who's on there. Making communications, they're not answering... mmmmmm... let's blow them up.

Blake rants on more about his plans to free the human race.

Bert: So, Blake's gone from the first episode where he refused to believe a thing, and now in the second, he's back to his old rebellious self... in one episode... I thought it was going to take a bit longer to get there... but OK...

Avon tells Blake to wake up to reality.

Bert: No, Blake, do wake up... he's dozed off.

Blake tells them that he's already said what wants to do.

Bert: CABARET!!

Ceefax: In space, no-one can hear you cha-cha-cha...

Bert: From now on call me... LIZA!!

Avon explains how he could steal money from the Federation with a fake I.D. He then announces "then let anyone try to touch me."

Ceefax: (Sniggers)

Bert: Who wants to touch you?

Ceefax: I think Blake does. He looks quite fascinated.

Bert: They are eying each other up, totally.

Raiker calls Blake and tells him to switch on the viewscreen. Blake does, to reveal Raiker pointing a gun at the rest of the prisoners, who are all standing with their hands on their heads.

Ceefax: It's just like nursery! "Stand in the corner, with your hands on your head."

Bert: I used to love that, didn't you?

Ceefax: (Sarcastically) Mmmmm...

Bert: Yey, discipline.

Raiker asks if Blake has a clear view of the prisoners.

Bert: No, I can only see four of them...

Raiker shoots one of the prisoners. Raiker tells Blake that he'll shoot a prisoner every thirty seconds, until Blake gives himself up. Blakes yells that they are unarmed.

Bert: I don't think he cares... He's a bad guy.

Blake demands to talk to Leyland.

Bert: Who's he?

Ceefax: The captain.

Bert: Oh, right.

Raiker points his gun at another prisoner.

Bert: Oooh! Don't you dare!

Raiker dares, and shoots the man. Blake admits defeat and orders Avon to open the doors and throw away their chance at freedom.

Bert: But... but.... concubines!!!

Ceefax: Wouldn't they be a bit prickly?

There is a short pause as the comment makes it's way through Bert's head.

Bert: What?! You've got some weird fetishes...

Seeing that Blake has given himself up, Raiker calmly shoots another prisoner.

Bert: Oooh! You dirty litttle man! That was sneaky and devious... and also quite naughty.

Bert sees Blake's clothes and forgets about the current dilemma.

Bert: Nice tunic, Blake. Does he wear that for the entire series?

Ceefax: No.

Bert: Ah, that's good. He does change his clothes then?

Ceefax: Yeah, they change clothes quite often. It's rather nice.

Bert: Oh! A Blake's 7 fashion parade! (Jenna walks by) I can just see Blake wearing that outfit...

Ceefax: It wouldn't fit him.

Leyland has a go at Raiker.

Bert: (About Raiker) You're a bad, bad man!

Ceefax: (Also about Raiker) He's got freaky eyes.

Bert: He has.

Ceefax: They look as if they're trying to look at each other.

Bert: By getting out of the head, I think...

The remaining prisoners are back in their restraints. The camera goes by Jenna.

Ceefax: Boobies!

Bert: Ok, her breasts are being pushed up by that thing! It's a futuristic wonder-bra..

Avon has a go at Blake for giving in.

Bert: Oh, shut up, you tart!

Jenna asks what the others think they'll do to them.

Bert: Oh I dunno... a bit of spanking... light bondage... chains... whips...

Ceefax and Bert: The usual.

Blake tells them what will happen.

Bert: How many times have you done this, Blake? "This week? Oh it's a regular for me! It's the riding crop next week."

The scene cuts to a shot of the Liberator.

Bert: (Goes into a fit of OOOOOHHH'S!!!!!)

Ceefax: Yeah!

Bert: OOOHHH!!!! OOOOHHHH!!!! A big ship with pointy bits on!!!!!!

Ceefax: With big green knobbly things!

Bert: The Liberator?

Ceefax: Yup.

Bert: Ooooh! I want it!!!!

Ceefax: No, I want it!!!

Bert: No, mine!

Ceefax: Mine!

Bert: Mine!

Ceefax: Mine!!!

Bert: Oh, we'll both have it. You the captain, me the second in command.

Ceefax: (makes a happy squeak)

Bert: Well, you did see it first.

Ceefax: Groovy, baby!

Whilst the crew of the London try to decide what happened to the Liberator's crew, Bert is still stuck on wanting the ship.

Bert: Ooooh, I want it!!!!

The captain starts to talk about the ship.

Bert: I think he wants it as well... IT'S OUR SHIP!!!!

The scene cuts to a load of people standing by an airlock. Two of them are wearing survival suits.

Bert: They're not very good survival suits, are they...

Ceefax: They'll help you survive if there's a bit of a cold breeze for example... beyond that, they're pretty much useless.

There is a shot of the London sending a tube over to the Liberator.

Bert: Oh, lovely model work... that was very Overfiend...

Ceefax: I'll take your word for it.

Back on the ship, the captain tells the two people going out to keep their communicators on at all times.

Bert: And close your flies.

The captain tells them what to do once they're over there.

Bert: (slightly confused) If there isn't anyone over there... make peaceful contact... if there is someone over there, blow them up...

One of the men enter the tube.

Bert: Leg it!!!

(Ceefax starts singing the Dam Busters theme... We don't know why)

Bert: It's all big long and dark! ...the tube's quite nice as well... that joke's not even going to work, is it..?

Ceefax: It looks like one of those balloon maze things you get at fairs.

Bert: I hated those! I remember one time I was in one, there was this little git with a can of fart gas...

Ceefax: Ew!

Bert: He kept spraying it around and the air was going green...

Back in the tube...

Ceefax: His helmety thing's wobbling...

They report that the door is not responding.

Bert: Why does the captain look like he's about to cry? "I want a reponse now!! I'm the captain I tell you!!!"

In the tube, the door to the Liberator opens. The man reports that there is a light coming from somewhere.

Bert: I think it's from that light bulb!! IT'S THE LIGHT BULB!!!!!! Ah, you see, the light bulbs over took the ship, they rebelled against the humans, and now they're going to take over the universe for all the lightbulbs in the world!! Or universe... I don't know...

The man in the tube reports that he can see something amazing, like he's never seen before...

Bert: It's a trifle!!!! The jelly's perfect!!! And the soft whippy cream bits have got the hundreds and thousands all in the exact right place!! Oohhh!!!

Something happens and the comm line is cut off. The captain orders another person into the tube.

Bert: Run like a weasel!!!!!!

Ceefax: "Are you sure, sir? I'd rather stay here, where people don't get destroyed by evil forces of death..." "No!! Get over there, little extra!" "Oooh.."

Bert: "But you're an extra as well!!" "Ah, but I get a good part in this episode." "Oh.." "And your name won't be on the credits."

Ceefax: "Besides, you only have one line, and it's a crap one."

The second guy reports about the ship.

Bert: It's all gone pink... pink I say! There's still a trifle sir!!! I don't like trifle!!!

Ceefax: I don't like trifle, neither. It's the custard. Everything else is fine, it's just the custard.

Bert: I like the custard, I just hate the jelly bit with the stupid biscuity stuff.

Ceefax: The biscuity stuff is pointless, it just goes all soggy and makes everything else all nasty, and then falls to pieces.

During our trifle rant, the second guy in the tube has been killed. The captain says that if he doesn't respond, they'll withdraw the tube. Raiker says they can't as the ship is worth a fortune.

Bert: For one second there I thought he was worried about the people on the ship. What? Him? He was just killing people... Oh, no, he just wants the money...

Raiker says they should send Blake, Jenna and Avon over to check it out.

Ceefax: Mmm... yes, you've got a thing you want to salvage that's worth millons, so why don't you send the prisoners over to get it? You see, then if they succeed, they'll turn it over to you...

Bert: Yeah, one being the head of a rebellion, one being a qualified pilot and I dont know who the third person is... Who's the third person?

Ceefax: Er... Avon.

Bert: Avon?

Ceefax: The computer guy.

Bert: That's Avon?

Ceefax: Yeah.

Bert: You didn't tell me that was him!

Ceefax: Sorry, I thought you would have realised, what with everyone calling him Avon.

Bert: Well, I'm not paying attention to this!

Ceefax: Oh, honestly!

Bert: I just want to take the piss out of it. What about that little thief dude?

Ceefax: Vila?

Bert: Yeah.

Ceefax: The one that was flirting with the guards?

Bert: Yeah. Why isn't he going? Will he be going?

Ceefax: No, they pick him up later.

Bert: Oh, that's good.

Back on the screen, the captain explains to Blake, Jenna and Avon about the Liberator.

Bert: I hate Jenna! She can wear anything and look good! And her make-up stays perfect. You were right about Avon by the way...

Ceefax: What?

Bert: You were right about Avon, he's quite nice.

Raiker says he'll toss them into the air lock... Cue the giggles. Raiker shoves them in one by one, Blake looks very affronted... the giggles become hysterics. The last man to go into the tube suddenly leaps out and lands on Raiker.

Ceefax: Brains!!!

Bert: Mummy!!! It was the trifle!!! It's the lightbulbs and the trifle!!! They're working together I tell you!!!!!!

Ceefax: Not the greatly feared lightbulb/trifle alliance?!

Bert: YES!!!!

Ceefax: Agh!!

The captain tells them to open the air lock.

Bert: But we just closed it, sir...

Ceefax: Oh bugger, all the air's been sucked out of the ship... We're all dead now...

Jenna goes into the tube, and looks terrified.

Bert: Oh, Jenna, don't be such a coward! You're supposed to be a kick-ass babe of the future! You look more like a nervous squirrel!

As they move down the tube, it begins to sway gently.

Bert: Stop swinging the tube!!!

Ceefax: I'd love to see the outakes where they all just fall over. You saw how damn slow they where going. "Oh no, we're going to fall over again and look really stupid..."

We now see the inside of the Liberator.

Bert: Oooh!! It's all so pretty!

Ceefax: Isn't it...

Bert: Oh, I want to live on this ship...

Ceefax: (wistfully) I know...

Bert: I want to sit on those chairs...

Jenna sits down.

Ceefax: She likes it, too...

Avon remarks on the construction of the ship.

Ceefax: You're right! It's made out of old milk crates!

Bert: Oh, my god! And knobbly bits... and what's that? It killed the beard! And the bloke too!!!

Ceefax: And Avon feels the need to sit on the corpse. (sings) Sit on the corpse and tell me that you love me...

A grey wobbly thing appears above the group. Jenna asks "what is it?"

Bert: A bad special effect.

Ceefax: Yup!

Bert: But twinkly... Oooh! It's going all slow motiony...

Ceefax: Which can't be good...

The thing starts to probe the group's brains.

Bert: It's going into Jenna's mind... this shouldn't take long.

In Jenna's mind we see a load of men restraining a screaming woman.

Bert: Oh, and some nice images of bondage.

Ceefax: And then it goes all semi-Videodrome...

Bert: Very Videodrome, actually.

The focus now changes to Avon.

Bert: And into Avon's mind...

Ceefax: Shouldn't take long either...

In Avon's mind we have a man.... not doing a great deal.

Bert: And in Avon's mind we have... his... dad?

Ceefax: Brother.

Bert: Brother... looks nothing like him.

After a few more seconds of Avon's brother...

Bert: So, Jenna gets disturbing images of torture and rape, and Avon gets his brother looking at him? I can see the terror.

The camera goes to Blake.

Bert: And Blake sees... 'My next acting job!'

Ceefax: Agh!!!

Bert: For a great big, pulsating, grey, blobby, thing... It's quite threatening.

Blake runs to the others to try and save their minds. He throws Avon onto a couch.

Bert: Nicely placed couch.

Ceefax: You can tell it's a British Sci-fi show. They have a sofa on the flight deck.

Someone asks what the grey thing was.

Bert: I didn't have time to ask it... (Noticing some scenery...) Is that a microwave?

Ceefax: How else are they going to heat up their chips?

The captain of the London makes contact with them and asks if they're ok.

Bert: Well, actually I'm having a bad time... (fakes sobbing) you're so mean and nasty to us and... meanwhile on the Liberator, Jenna is drooling over the controls, Avon is pressing some buttons and Blake... is...

Ceefax: Looking at the walls.

They discuss what the grey thing was (note: it blew up shortly after it looked into Blake's head).

Bert: Poor thing. Probed Blake's mind, found nothing, got bored... Or went in found it so bloody boring, it just had to leave.

Blake asks Avon what he's going to do.

Bert: I'm going to run around the room going "NYahhhhaaaaa!!!!!!"

Cut back to the London. Raiker is standing at the air lock in one of the so-called survival suits.

Bert: Oh, very fetching.

Ceefax: I like the little helmets...

Bert: On everyone else, it looked ok. On him it just looks stupid.

Raiker makes his way through the tube.

Bert: Unplug the tube!!!!

They start to move the Liberator away from the London. In the tube, Raiker looks a bit paniked. Raiker is then sucked out into space. Bert giggles happily.

Bert: YAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!! Hahahaha!!! Stupid guard man's dead!

Blake tells the others that he had a slight disagreement with Raiker, and then the hatch closed.

Bert: And then he got his penis caught.

Ceefax: And went "Ohh!" So now nobody can look at it ever again.

They then forget about Raiker and their attention again falls on the Liberator.

Bert: Oh, I want this ship!!!

Blake says to follow the London to Cygnus Alpha so they can rescue the other prisoners. We now see an external shot of the London being followed by the Liberator.

Bert: Dear god, space is very clogged up with planets, comets and solar systems...

The episode ends and the credits roll. Ceefax and Bert sing along, Nyase style.

Bert: Nyase sings Blake's 7... Oh, it's all pants really...