The Mini-Blake's 7 Couch Potatoes.

Series One, Episode Three.
Cygnus Alpha.

Bert: Well, here we go, episode three... With the title sequence, which I haven't actually seen yet.

Ceefax: It's a bit crap.

Bert: And I'm actually quite glad I haven't seen it yet...

Ceefax: It gets better... But not 'till series three.

Bert: This is terrible! Even the Wibbilator looks bad! At least the logo's all happy and like 'Woo! I'm a big logo!'

Ceefax: That changes in series four.

Bert: Why?

Ceefax: I dunno.

Cygnus Alpha is revealed in all it's glory

Bert: Oooh, a nice big blue thing. With... cavemen on it. Who are eating... Furrets. (Note: That's a pok�mon, not a misspelt ferret)

Laran hacks the meat in two.

Bert: Yes, I think it's dead...

Ceefax: It is now.

Bert: That is not hygenic. Get a cutting board. Meanwhile, on the London... Which looks so shit, I'm afraid. Reminds me of an Eagle.

(Note: That's a spaceship from Space: 1999, in case you were wondering...)

Ceefax: (Quite startled, as she'd never noticed) Oh God, yeah, totally! Cool!

Bert: ...all the crew appear to have fucked off except for the Captain, who's doing the crossword.

Leylan: Are the prisoners quiet?

Bert: Yes, just a small party...

Ceefax: If you listen carefully, you can hear the faint strains of the conga...

Bert is briefly quite annoyed at Artix for not sitting on his chair properly, and then at his father (Bert's, not Artix's) for being colour-blind. Then he moves on to Leylan...

Bert: Why does he have a permanant semi-smirk on his face?

Ceefax: Maybe he's quite happy about things.

Bert: Either that or he's sucking his gums in.

The plot of the previous episode is seamlessly blended in as Leylan's report of the situation.

Bert: Pre-recording greetings? That's just bad.

Ceefax: Ah, it's only the flashback.

Bert: (about Jenna) Damn her! Look at her! Even in black and white, she's good! Damn your fashion, Jenna!

Cut back to the London's flight deck.

Bert: The London's so bloody boring...

Ceefax: Oh, I don't know, look at it's big white globes...

Bert: Leave that pilot alone.

An exterior shot of the Liberator is greatly admired (much ooooh!ing), then the scene shifts to the Liberator's flight deck.

Bert: I love the sofas! In between fighting Federation ships, you can just lounge back...

Ceefax: And, indeed, they do. Frequently.

Jenna: (About the Liberator's original crew) I'd feel a lot happier if we knew what had happened to them.

Bert: Big grey wobbly thing.

Ceefax: Ah... no.

Bert: Oh. It could have done. Who's that? Is that Avon?

Ceefax: (Slightly exasperated) Yes!

Bert: Are you sure?

Ceefax: Yes! There's only three people on board!

Bert: He looks different, though!

Ceefax: He's changed his clothes!

Bert: The dirty little git!

Avon: (About the Liberator handguns) It's a bit elaborate for a toothpick.

Bert: Coming from the poeple who were sticking pens up their noses last episode...

Blake: That one's hot.

Bert: I think it likes you, Blake...

Avon: Single function isomorphic response.

Bert: Wha?

Avon then makes a half-arsed attempt to take over the ship.

Bert: Oo, you little bugger, Avon!

Ceefax: Ah, you love it.

Bert: I do...

Ceefax: Aw, poor little Avon, nobody takes any notice of his attempts to murder the whole crew...

The Liberator's turbo function is introduced. Much hilarity ensues.

Bert: It's the wobbly cheek button! Oh my god, that's brilliant! I want that button!

Ceefax: They never ever use it again ever.

Bert: Hmm, I wonder why...

Ceefax: They couldn't afford the fans.

Bert: It must have been great for parties.

Avon tries to explain things.

Avon: Negative hyperspace.

Ceefax: Balls!

There is an ill-timed close-up of Jenna.

Bert: No, breasts. Jen-na wo-man.

Avon: Try that one.

Bert: You try that one...

The button is depressed.

Bert: (sings) Radio Oooone...

Jenna: Blake, I can't move my hand.

Avon: Don't touch her.

Ceefax: Just prod her with sticks...

Jenna makes the acquaintance of Zen. And seems to enjoy herself in the process.

Bert: And Avon goes 'get off! I want a go! I want to press the button!' (doing a Jenna impression) 'It's my button! You can't have it!'

Ceefax: You get off Jenna's button!

Bert: Okay... So this is how the aliens died. They orgasmed to death.

Zen finally makes an appearance.

Jenna: Who is it?

Zen: Zen.

Bert: Well, that explains it, thank you. Hello, Zen.

Zen: Your species requires a visual reference point. This is your reference point.

Bert: What the smeg's that supposed to be?

Avon: You're a computer...!

Ceefax: A computer.

Bert: Oh, right.

Blake sets a course.

Bert: Stop shouting! Everyone keeps shouting!

Ceefax: Blake's Shouten...

Bert: Blake's Shouty Seven...

Avon threatens to interrogate Zen.

Bert: It's hardly going to break under the pressure... 'Talk or I'll rip out your circuits! And shove them up your... other... circuits.' Look, I don't know computing, okay...!? I can barely work my own PC!

Ceefax: Well I can't work my own PC! It keeps terminally crashing at me!

Bert: Join the club. And back on the London...

Ceefax: After the exact same shot of it flying past...

Bert: It circled. And... my god, it's... a very bad special effect on Blake's 7! I never saw that coming...

Artix: Sir, we've been in space now for eight months.

Bert: Fuck off, has it been eight months... You've been in space for one week!

Ceefax: Three episodes...

Bert: Not even that... It's only been one episode if you think about it...

Ceefax: One episode and two bits of episodes.

Bert: So, we'll say about an episode and half, here.

During the recap of the recap, Leylan lists the prisoners who escaped.

Bert: Hang on, Blake... Avon... So everyone gets called by their first name except for Avon?

Ceefax: And Blake.

Bert: Oh, sod Blake, who cares about him?

Ceefax: And Gan, but he hasn't shown up yet.

Bert: Gan?

Ceefax: Gan.

Bert: But he has shown up, though.

Ceefax: Well, yes, briefly.

Bert: In the last episode. I thought he was Christopher Malcolm. I was expecting fishnets any moment.

On the Liberator, the crew are discussing the matter transmission project.

Jenna: I didn't work on it.

Bert: That sounded a bit guilty...

Ceefax: I didn't work on it, nobody saw me work on it and you can't prove anything...

Bert: And Avon, you're talking to the wall, now... I know Blake is dense, but...

Ceefax: Oi!

Bert: He is!

Ceefax: You don't know, he's barely even done anything yet!

Bert: (carefully) True...

Blake tests the teleport bracelets' communications skills.

Blake: Hello. Testing. One. Two. Three.

Ceefax: (In nasal talking-through-a-teleport-bracelet voice) Special on aisle three...

Bert: It's the Liberator karaoke machine!

Ceefax: (With horror) Oh, god...

Jenna enters, in a slight panic.

Jenna: We've stopped. Everything's gone dead.

Bert: Well, touch the button, you'll get moving again soon.

Bert is annoyed by Zen's ability to travel very fast.

Bert: Don't make it all big and glamorous!

Ceefax: I don't think they are making it all big and glamorous, to be honest...

Bert: That computer is!

Avon: You're not going to try and land this thing?

Blake: What's the alternative?

Bert: Kiss me, you fool!

Ceefax goes into a brief giggling fit.

Bert: Well, look how close they are...

Ceefax: I know...

Blake: I'm going to have to risk the teleport system.

Bert: Ok, you risk it, we'll run.

Cut to the surface of Cygnus Alpha. Ceefax mocks Artix's accent.

Arco: They don't put penal colonies on easy living planets.

Bert: They might do. You don't know.

The London buggers off, leaving the prisoners to fend for themselves.

Bert: (About Gan) He reminds me of the monster from 'Young Frankenstein'...

Ceefax: Sing, you big, large man, you!

Bert does a singing monster impression. Back on the TV, there is a close-up of a smoking pool.

Bert: Mmm, free baths!

Ceefax: It's the puddle of eternal stench!

Gan: We're going to have to see what's out there sooner or later.

Bert: Later! Later!

Vila: Uh no, on the other hand, let's all stay.

Bert: See? He's with me. Come on boys! Let's form a coup and overthrow Gan.

Ceefax: That'd be a bit difficult... You'd have to get a big lever, or something.

Arco and co. are a bit worried about Gan, and run off after him.

Bert: He's only been gone two seconds! You wussies! If I was with these people I'd be gone by now. The other way.

Vila: Arco. Arco!

Bert: That's not a very nice thing to say to someone... Aw, bless little Vila. 'Don't leave me, I'm so young and innocent!'

Vila: ARCO!

Bert: Don't blow our cover at all... Ruin any element of surprise... 'But I want to hug Arco!'

Ceefax: (sings) Vila and Arco sitting in a... um... (notes Cygnus Alpha scenery) hill. Possibly. Or a rocky outcrop. It's not a very good song for a prison planet, really.

Gan is discovered, along with a strung-up corpse.

Bert: So, in the future they still have crucifixtion? Boring!

Arco: So perish unbelievers?

Bert: Oh. I'm off, then.

Back on the Liberator, Avon is experimenting with the teleport.

Bert: Jenna's doing naughty things with her feet under the table...

Ceefax: (Disbelievingly) Who to?

Bert: Well, I'm presuming Avon, as he's next to her...

The Teleport works.

Bert: Oh my God... 'Your Blake is evolving.'

Ceefax collapses in hysterics.

Bert: It's doing the pok�mon evolvy thing, though! 'Your Blake evolved into... something even less useful.'

The monks reappear, and Ceefax and Bert do impressions of the Monks from Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail. But it all ends in tears (or Bert going 'ow' at least...).

Bert: Ow! Who put that wall there?

Blake is persued. Bert is not impressed.

Bert: Oh, please, Blake, you can run faster than that. I bet those were stunt legs, as well. 'Er, Blake to Avon, Blake to Avon... HELP!! MONKS!!! Lots of them...' And Avon is now sticking little coloured stickers everywhere. Of course, every prison ship issues you with little sticky things, in case you need to mark buttons...

Blake is teleported back, and hugged by Jenna.

Bert: 'I don't even know you, but I'm going to hug you anyway! We only met last week...' Sorry, eight months ago... So... hang on... Apparently they've been on the ship for eight months... how long have they been on the Liberator for?

Ceefax: Gawd knows.

Bert: So now they must be like best friends... know all each other's intimate secrets and stuff...

Ceefax: Probably not...

Bert: In three episodes, they've got this far already... This beats Trek, Dr Who, everything! They take fucking forever to get on with it! Blake's 7, let's just not actually bother getting to know each other, let's just skip over eight months, and pretend we all know each other like the best of friends!

Ceefax: Aw... Group hug!

Back on Cygnus Alpha...

Vila: The architectural style is early maniac.

Bert: Animaniac?

Ceefax: Early maniac.

Kara: I am the servant of your God. Kneel.

Bert: Uppity tart... Oh, and they all kneel! At face value, just like that...

Ceefax: But she has lots of big men with knives...

Bert: I'm kneeling! Here I am kneeling, see me kneeling.

Kara kisses Gan.

Ceefax: Snog the huge man...

Bert: Ooo! Kisses all round. Vila's going 'oo, me, me!' And Gan passes out form pure shock.

Ceefax: Well, it is the only person he ever gets to snog ever...

Bert: Bless him.

Vila: I like God's taste in servants...

Arco: Shut up...

Bert: You tart...

Ceefax: Ah, Vila is Arco's bitch.

Avon: (About the teleport) I think we've got it worked out now. Transmit and receive are quite straightforward. All the other controls are directional. A little more practice, we should be able to put you down with precision.

Bert: 'Blake, you're terrible! You have bad taste in clothes, and I hate your nipples!'

Ceefax: Yes, that's quite precise...

Avon: Oh, come on, Blake. Do you really think we'd leave you down there?

Bert: Yes.

Blake: No, I don't think you would.

Bert: Translation: 'No, Avon, I don't think you will, or else I'll beat the shit out of you.'

Blake teleports down.

Bert: (About the noise the teleport makes) I like the 'Ka-shunk' bit.

Blake materialises.

Bert: And this is where we discover that the Blake's 7 transport device is a time machine as well, and it takes him right back to when he was about to get stabbed in the head...

Ceefax: D'oh!

Bert: (Reading) 'Only from this hand comes life...' Ugh! And thank you for the graphic display, Ceefax...

By the Big Scary Alter of Cygnus Alpha, Bert is not impressed by the display of props.

Bert: Nice revolver... 'Cause of course, in the future, they still have revolvers lying around the place. On alien planets. Which aren't Earth. And meanwhile, monky bint has got changed, and is bowing down to a big... head...

Vargas arrives.

Bert: Oh my god, it's the big hairy scary man with the thighs! Also known as Brain Blessed.

Ceefax: See his trainers.

Bert: He's wearing trainers... An alien priest guy is wearing trainers...

Vargas: He is the giver of salvation.

Vargas puts some big white pills on what Bert has decided to call 'The Plate of Pointlessness'.

Ceefax: He is the giver of Alka-Selzer...

Bert: They look more like XXX Mints... Shout more! You're Brian Blessed, dammit!

Blake sneakily enters the church.

Bert: Oooh, Blake, there's a gong behind you, go bang it! There's a gong! No, you have to hit the gong! He's not hitting the gong... Why isn't he hitting the gong?

Ceefax: He's sneaking around, he doesn't want to hit gongs...

Bert: Oh, but it's a gong... (accusingly) I see he can sneak around in people's cupboards...

Ceefax: Well, completely fail to open people's cupboards...

Back on the Liberator, Avon and Jenna are discussing teleporting people into space.

Jenna: What would happen if you teleported somebody beyond the maximum range?

Bert: They'd go 'URK!' and die.

Avon: I would imagine that they would appear momentarily in space, and then that their atoms would be scattered to the solar winds.

Bert: That's what I said. 'URK!' and die. Why are you repeating what I'm saying, Avon?

Back on Cygnus Alpha, Gan's gang are locked up and moaning...

Ceefax: (About Kara) They've all caught the clap off of her...

Bert: Mmm, lovely...

Kara: He will not fail you. You will be rewarded.

Bert: You're talking bollocks again, aren't you?

Ceefax: Monk bollocks...

Bert: Ew, shroudy...

Kara ascends the stairs.

Bert: Nice shoes!

Ceefax: Very practical for...

Bert: ...for monkhood. Wouldn't she technically be a nun, though?

Ceefax: I dunno. Probably a priestess.

Bert: Looks like Blake fancies a bit of that... Come on Blake, tippy toes! Stop peeking through people's doors! He's gonna get quite a shock when he sees Vila in there...

Ceefax: Vila and Arco...

Bert: Vila in Jenna's outfit...

The scene returns to the groaning mass.

Bert: 'Ooo, I feel so ill... Shouldn't have had that third helping of pie...'

The conversation then turns, somewhat inevitably, to pie. A little later, once Ceefax and Bert's respective favourite pies have been established...

Blake: Never mind that now. What's wrong?

Gan: Disease.

Bert: 'And we're locked up in a big prison cell. 'Cause we thought, you know, get off the prison ship, get dumped on a planet, run around for a bit, get locked back into a prison cell!' Bit of a bum deal, really.

Gan: No, the priests, they've been very good to us, Blake. They've given us food and drink...

Ceefax: And blow jobs...

Bert: So that's where Brian went...

Ceefax: Oh, god... He's got a big enough mouth for it, I suppose...

Bert: Ugh...

Ceefax: What's the matter? Don't you like thinking about Brian Blessed sucking cock?

Bert: He's attractive in a really scary sort of way...

Ceefax: Ooo, you dirty boy! (Looking thoughtfully at Brian Blessed...) Huge thighs...

Bert: He is just thighs... A large shouty man with thighs...

Ceefax: And a beard. Beard and thighs and... huge wings, occasionally...

Bert: He's got a really quiet voice, actually. When he's speaking normally anyway. Really quiet... you just go 'awww!' Then he starts shouting and you go 'AGGH!' And again with the penis thing! Blake, will you stop looking at it!

Ceefax: Well, obviously Gan has a particularly impressive one and he's finding it difficult to ignore.

Back on the Liberator, Jenna has found the wardrobe room.

Jenna: What do you think?

Bert: Oh my god...

Jenna: Avon? There's another room you should see while you're down there...

Bert: They're this big!

Ceefax: Nah, she's just balanced a bucket of water over the door.

Bert: Or maybe cyanide in his case... Meanwhile, Brian Blessed glares at the sky... Sees the Wibbilator... And goes 'ooo...'

Blake regains consciousness.

Ceefax: I'm not quite sure how he got knocked out by being hit on the shoulder, though.

Bert: They're very sensitive shoulders...

Vargas: An interesting design. A hand weapon of some kind. You will instruct me in its use.

Ceefax: Well, first of all you stick it riiight up... Then you press the little button.

Bert does a vibrator impression. Vargas is demonstrating his grasp of thinking, in a strangely out-of-it kind of voice..

Vargas: And then I thought again...

Bert: And then it all went fuzzy...

Ceefax: And then I fell over... And then all the pretty flowers came and danced all around me...

Blake's interrogation continues, and Vargas pinches a teleport bracelet.

Bert: Oh, very you, Brian...

Ceefax and Bert then do a large variety of posh laughs, while Blake questions Vargas' right to rule the planet.

Blake: Why you?

Bert: Because of my beard... It's so big and fluffy... And my thighs...

Blake: But this planet was uninhabited until the Federation brought the first batch of fifty criminals here. Is that the noble line from which you stem?

Bert: Blake, don't piss off the man with the big gun...

Vargas does a big shouty spiel. During which he waves the revolver at Blake.

Ceefax: You're holding it by the wrong end, love... Oh, wait, no he isn't.

Bert: And how many times have you watched this?

Ceefax: Well, I haven't seen it for a while...

Bert: That's no excuse.

Ceefax: D'oh...

Vargas' yelling continues.

Bert: (doing Blake impression) Stop shouting at me! I'm sorry! I've been a bad person...

Vargas: You are wise...

Bert: You are scary...

Blake: Well, I ask that they be allowed to choose whether they come with me. I ask that you give me a supply of that drug.

Vargas: No.

Bert: Oooh... you're mean.

Blake: I need those men. I must have a crew.

Vargas: NO!!

Bert: (In a scared voice) All right...! (Doing Vargas impression) I shall phlegm over you, until you give me what I want.

Blake: Will you trade them then? There must be something on my ship that you need.

Vargas: Toys like this? And these?

Ceefax: That's great, but you're holding them out of shot...

Bert: Stop giving us close-ups of Blake's head! It's like in the X-Files, when they did this huge three minute pan, and spent two minutes round the back of this woman's head. It was very nice, but... Nice roots.

Vargas: He has defied the word!

Bert: Spank him.

Ceefax: (doing Zoot (out of Monty Python's Quest for the Holy Grail) impression) Oooh, a spanking! A spanking!

Bert: Um, lovely little torture chamber... Oh, I get it, if you don't do as you're told, you get made into Brian Blessed's bitch.

Some tastefully out of shot torture and one change of scene later...

Kara: Is it a sign?

Bert: No, it's a book.

Vargas: It tells us that the time is come to take our truth out into the universe.

Bert: No, don't take anything out. Just put it back. Keep it in there, leave it alone.

Back on the Liberator, Avon has found the treasure room.

Bert: Avon's found a load of jewellery... (Doing Avon impression) I'm a princess!

Ceefax: Aw! Bless!

Avon: Think of it Jenna, there isn't anything you couldn't have.

Bert: (Jenna impression...) Oh, I've had it...

Avon: We could own our own planet.

Ceefax: Made out of blancmange!

Bert: Blancmange, I say! (Pause) Not blancmange, though.

Ceefax: What?

Bert: Not blancmange. You wouldn't be able to walk on it.

Ceefax: Okay. (Pause) Fish. Fish planet.

Bert: Ugh... (Pause) Doughnuts!

Ceefax: Oooh!

Bert: That never go stale and hard and manky and horrible. And self-cleaning, so you can walk over it in shitty old trainers and they still keep clean and nice and lovely. (Pause) But would you get sick of doughnuts after a while?

Ceefax: Nah.

While the build-your-own-planet debate was raging, the scene was shifted back to Cynus Alpha. Blake, apr�s torture, is chucked into the cell with the rest of the prisoners.

Bert: All right, boys, he's all yours, now.

Blake: Give us a hand, will you?

There are sniggers... Gan helps Blake up.

Bert: (Blake impression...) Hold me, Gan! Hold me against your manly chest! (as himself) Which looks spray-painted on...

The prisoners are a bit unhappy about Blake's non-cooperation. Blake is a bit unhappy about this.

Bert: Nasty shouty man...

Ceefax: Who looks as if he's about to start crying...

Bert: They all do, actually.

Ceefax: (About Blake) Wasn't that bruise on the other side of his head a minute ago?

Bert: Yeah... Unless they gave him a matching set. They base their culture on symmetry.

Blake continues to be unhappy.

Ceefax: He's trying to compete with Brian Blessed for shoutyness.

Bert: And fighting a losing battle...

Gan defies the other prisoners and stands by Blake.

Gan: Well, I'm with you.

Bert: Gan, you are so far up his arse...

Back in the temple, Vargas is going through the 'only from his hand comes life' routine.

Bert: Although the statue has no hands...

Ceefax: A deep, philosophical point...

Bert: Yeah... Or something...

Vargas accidentally finds the shooty button on one of the neutron blasters.

Ceefax: Oh, he likes that...

Bert: Agh! My leg...! And Brian looks as if he's abut to come... (Noticing Vila, Arco and Selman are now fighting with Blake) Okay, the three people who were having a go at him a second ago; trying to kill him...

Ceefax: It's because they're the only ones who've got lines.

Bert: (As the priests enter, ready for the sacrifice) Oooh, lovely robeage! It's great, you got a red, a purple, a black... Maybe if you're wearing black, you're like, the little ones, purple can tell them what to do, the red ones are like 'Hah, we're in charge,' but the white one...

Ceefax: Except that Brian Blessed's got a purple one. As it were.

Bert: I thought it was white...

Ceefax: It was white earlier, it's purple now.

Bert: Damn them! Mixing up the washing loads!

The monks attempt to sacrifice Gan.

Bert: They're trying to stab Gan though the chest? That might take some time... And this knife is dirty! Fetch me a clean one.

Ceefax: No, Mungo!

There's a brief cut to the Liberator. Jenna tries to bring the prisoners up. Avon grabs her wrist.

Ceefax: Arm wrestling!

Bert: I think Jenna would win.

Back to the fight scene, and one of the monks is thrown humourously against the gong.

Bert: Yey! Gong go bang! I like banging! Ha ha ha haaa!

Arco gets a bit stabbed, but makes a break for the teleport bracelets.

Bert: Must... drag... self... across floor...

Ceefax: ...dramatically.... before dying horribly and never getting another acting job ever again...

Vila: Did you see? They killed Arco.

Ceefax: Aw... They killed Vila's boyfriend...

Bert: Ah, never mind, he'll get a new one.

The fight scene continues. Bert and Ceefax provide sound effects. On the Liberator, Jenna finally gets around to hitting the teleport.

Ceefax: What the hell have they been doing for the last five minutes?

Bert: Pissing around?

Ceefax: More arm wrestling, possibly...

Bert: Oh no, Brian Blessed got up there as well! He's got a purple robe and he knows how to use it!

Ceefax: And trainers.

Bert: And trainers. Very monky.

Vargas outlines his dastardly plot.

Bert: (sarcastically) Ooo! He lied! Didn't see that coming. And again, Blake, stop yelling at the man with the gun.

Vargas: NOW. I was their priest. I shall return to them a GOD...

Bert: Oh, shut it, you tart. They... they just exploded Brian Blessed! They can't do that!

Ceefax: Look, little bits of flaming Brian Blessed all over the place!

Bert: Ugh! That'll never wash out... And that's strange, there's stars over there, stars over there, but where the Liberator's flying; no stars whatsoever...

Zen detects Federation pursuit ships.

Ceefax: Run away!

Bert: They're all very relaxed...

Ceefax: Ah yes, evil enemy chasing after us... Dum de dum...

Bert: Blake's quite smug... And what exactly is Vila and that other guy doing up there?

The ending theme is briefly discussed. Bert doesn't like the bit in the middle. The bit that Ceefax thinks sounds like the Hoots out of the Clangers. He likes the rest of it, though.