The Mini-Blake's 7 Couch Potatoes.

Series One, Episode Four.
Time Squad.

Bert: Here we are with episode four, with the groovy Blake's 7 title sequence.

Ceefax: Yes, I think 'groovy' may very well be the word.

Bert: It's just so... so...

Ceefax and Bert: ...pants.

Bert: I mean, if I saw this before I saw the series, no. I'm sorry, but no. I would never watch it. Ooo, Terry Nation. TRAITOR!

Ceefax: Why?

Bert: Dr. Who guy.

Ceefax: Well, yeah, he did Survivors as well...

Bert: Traitor, traitor, traitor.

Ceefax: ...and probably some other stuff, I don't know...

The title sequence finally ends, and we open with a shot of the crew manipulating the Liberator's controls.

Bert: Ooo, nice outfit, Jenna. Same one as last episode, but still nice.

Blake: Right. Let's check with the expert. Zen, report status.

Bert: We're fucked! Argggh! Help!

Gan: I think we make a good team.

Bert: Shut up, Gan. No-one asked for your opinion. You're just an extra.

Ceefax: He's not an extra...

Bert: He is at the moment.

Blake: Zen, three sixty degree survey. Put etheric detector beams on maximum. Report any space vehicles within range.

Bert: No. You do it.

Blake: Vila, put visual survey on the screen.

Ceefax: But he presses the go-really-fast-now button! NEEEE-OWWW!

Blake: Up until now we've only been a minor irritation to the Federation.

Bert: And to the rest of the world, Blake, you're a major irritation.

Ceefax: Leave Blake alone!

Bert: But he's annoying!

Ceefax: He's not annoying...

Blake: Just tell me when you want to leave.

Bert: Er... Tuesday, two thirty. And why is Avon always scowling?

Ceefax: Because that's his role.

Bert: (Doing Avon impression) Ah, I am scowly man...

Avon is generally bitchy for a while.

Blake: Enough, Avon!

Bert: (Doing Blake impression) For I am the Queen of the ship! Blake, Queen of Deep Space... I just can see it now... little floor shows in the middle of the night for no reason whatsoever...

Blake outlines the Plan. Which involves Saurian Major, and the sad sad story of it's ex-citizens.

Vila: Why are we going there, though? I mean I feel for them. But we've got problems of our own.

Bert: I bet he feels for them... Riiiight up.

There is a lovely shot of the Saurian Major communications plant, which Blake wants to blow up...

Bert: Oooh, what's that?

Ceefax: It's a bit pink...

Bert: It's very pink, but what is it? It's a... knobbly thing, on top of a boingy thing...

Ceefax: It's a power plant.

Bert: That's what I said, a knobbly thing on top of a boingy thing. Weren't you listening?

The scene cuts away to later. Blake is having a snooze on the filght deck. Ceefax does snoring noises, which are met with sniggering.

Bert: Shhh! Mustn't wake Blake... Get the escape pods ready...

Unfortunately Jenna wakes him up, to ask if there are any artificial satellites on their course. Blake doesn't know, but starts pressing buttons on the nearby console...

Ceefax: Dammit, where's the artifical satellite button... that's the small blancmange button, oh no!

Bert: It's great, they've gone from the first episode to the second episode, where Blake's back to his old rebellious self, then the next episode they're working as a team, getting everyone together, then in this episode they can work the ship perfectly... Damn, these people are good!

Zen opens up the viewscreen.

Bert: That screen is crap. It goes 'urrrrgggghh...'

Ceefax: Zen's not good at spreading it, apparently.

Bert: Speaking of which, where's Avon, Vila and Gan?

Ceefax: Ah, rest and recreation.

Bert: Found another interesting room, did they? (Does whip noise, complete with gestures) ON YOUR KNEES! And why can I see Avon in the outfit? You know, leather... fishnets, high heels... Oh, come on! Look at him! He's the sort!

Ceefax: You love Avon...

Bert: He's a dirty little mistress.

Blake: (About the strange projectile Jenna has found) You better tell the others.

Bert: ...he says, looking at her cleavage. Are they in there?

Ceefax: (Doing Jenna-looking-into-her-own-cleavage impression) Vila? Get out!

Bert: Also, her hair seems to getting bigger every episode...

Ceefax: (Doing Kryten (Red Dwarf) impression) It's Miss Stannis' hair! Why will no-one listen to me?

Bert: Ooo, nice model shot! And I actually mean it for once, that was a good shot.

Cut back to the flight deck.

Bert: Ah, the boys are back. Vila stop playing pong!

Ceefax: Pong...

Bert: Ping...

Ceefax: Pong...

Bert: Ping...

Vila: I do not like the look of that thing.

Bert: Is he looking at Blake or the screen?

Ceefax: Humph.

Zen goes a bit wierd under the stress. The crew don't seem too worried.

Ceefax: I think he needs some new batteries.

Bert: Ugh! Avon, that is a bad top! (pause for Avon observation) He wiggles!

Ceefax: What?

Bert: When he walks, his hips wiggle! ...And the computer appears to have karked it.

Blake and Jenna are going to teleport across to the mysterious object which has killed Zen. The teleport will be operated in this case by Avon.

Bert: Yey! The wobbly transporter things!

Avon: Are you sure you can trust me?

Bert: No, Avon, but we're going to slap you when we get back.

Ceefax: With fish.

Bert: Jenna's ready to funk! Prepare to funk down to the planet... (They teleport...) Yey! Evolvey people! And they materialise about two feet away from the ship. (...and arrive) Ooh. Lovely.

Blake: (slightly sarcastically) Thank you, Avon.

Bert: ...you dopey tart...

Blake: (to Jenna) You ever seen anything like this before?

Bert: Yes, Blake, I often go cruising around space and teleport onto alien ships...

Ceefax: Well, she is a space smuggler, for god's sake.

Bert: Oh yeah! Okay, sorry, Blake, you win. (pause) That's naughty, you know. She might get arrested for that.

Ceefax: Ya think?

Bert: Yeah! She might get thrown in prison, then have to go to this strange planet somewhere and get saved by this resistance group.

Ceefax: Man, you do talk some bollocks sometimes.

Bert: Oh! Oh! Blake! Flashy thing! He can't see, Jenna's hair's in the way...

Jenna and Blake are having difficulty manoeuvering inside the little baby ship...

Bert: The ship was built for small people...

Ceefax: Little tiny people...

Bert: So Vila, then.

Jenna finds a button to open one of the capsules.

Bert: It's a smegging garbage pod!

Ceefax: Quagaars!

Bert: Ugh! No, don't prod it!

Jenna does a bit of explaining. Apparently the dead guys aren't dead, they're just frozen.

Bert: Yes, and you're fucking around with it by opening it, thereby screwing up the process.

Ceefax: (Doing Cat (Red Dwarf) impression) Are you by any chance Barbara Bellini?

Seeing as how their air is running out, Blake and Jenna attempt to teleport back. Unfortunately, the teleport's a bit buggered.

Bert: Gan did it! He sat on it!

Avon asks how long they've got.

Blake: Minutes!

Bert: (Makes farting noise) Seconds!

Blake suggests taking the whole capsule into the ship.

Avon: I'd already thought of that. Zen refuses to do it.

Bert: Well, Zen needs a good slapping, then.

Blake tells Avon to do it himself.

Bert: (Doing Avon impression) But... but I can't do things! I've got to be scowly and work the transporter thing! That's my job!

Ceefax and Bert then have a brief debate over why it is wholly inaccurate to refer to the teleport as a transporter.

Ceefax: Teleport!

Bert: Transporter!

Ceefax: Teleport!

Bert: Fine, whatever, teleport... Hang on, Zen, the computer dude... a minute ago he was all non-working, now he's flashing away in the background...

Ceefax: He's just flashing away in the background, he's not actually doing anything.

Bert: Why don't they just take a sledgehammer to his circuits? And I can understand Jenna being able to work the ship, but Gan and Vila...? I mean, Avon, yes maybe, he's a super-intelligent bastard, but the other two...?

Ceefax: Well... she's been teaching them. There's a vague explanation, at least.

Blake: I'm breathless with anticipation.

Bert: Ooo, that was such a bad line. Terry Nation, your arse is so going to get spanked for that. I'm gonna find that man and spank him. And then go 'ooo, you're really good!'

There is a lovely exterior shot of the Liberator wobbling around trying to catch the projectile.

Bert: Left a bit... Right a bit... Vila, what are you doing?!

Ceefax: Playing pong, still.

Bert: You know, this would have been really useful in sex education classes. 'So, the small pod goes into the Liberator...'

Ceefax: 'When a little life pod and a big spaceship love each other very much...'

Bert: Well, look, it's a phallic thing going into a hole... it's going to release...

Ceefax: Blake and Jenna...

Bert: Who in this case are acting as sperm...

Avon: Gan, when the tail is on the laser projection, I'll go straight in.

Bert: My point is proven. Oooh, nice joysticks! And that's Silent Hill music...

Ceefax: It is a bit, isn't it? Cool.

Avon successfully catches the projectile.

Vila: You've done it. You've done it!

Bert: No, Vila, you're looking at the wrong screen... (Doing Vila impression) Oh, bugger...

The crew are generally smug, and decide to go and have at look at their lovely new rocket.

Bert: Er, Blake to Avon, Blake to Avon, we're still running out of air...

Ceefax: Open the door, then.

In the hold, the crew are reunited.

Bert: Blake! Avon! Oh, hold me!

Avon: Glad to be of help.

Jenna: You don't sound too sure about that. Thanks anyway.

Bert: Oh, nice one, Jenna. Ruin the mood. Cheeky bitch.

The Liberator's preferred communicator method confuses Bert somewhat.

Bert: Hang on, he pressed the button... Gan said 'Gan', he said 'Blake', no... no, he's Blake, you're Gan. Who got the scripts muddled up?

While the crew investigate the projectile, Bert comes to terms with a few of the fundamental Blake's 7 concepts.

Bert: Who named him after a make-up company?

Ceefax: Terry Nation. Or it could be after the river Avon...

Bert: Strange man.

Meanwhile, back on the show...

Avon: They wouldn't bother to put the crew into suspended animation unless the journey was likely to last longer than the natural life span of a man.

Bert: Or woman!

Ceefax: (Doing Animal (Muppets) impression) Wo-man!

Blake: Is there any idea of where they were going and why?

Bert: Dunno. Coming from that way, going that way.

Ceefax: No need to get philosophical.

Bert: Uh... Avon is scary when he smiles.

Ceefax is distracted by the word 'Reanimation' and starts going on about the recently released Reanimator DVD. Bert is once again impressed by the model shots. Back on the flight deck...

Bert: And Zen is...

Ceefax: Still doing his Gameboy impression. Doesn't it sound like a Gameboy?

One brief Gameboy discussion later, and the crew are ready to teleport down to Saurian Major.

Blake: Vila, I shall want you down there with me. Bring your bag of tricks.

Bert: (Vila impression) Oh. I'll need my bigger pants, then.

Blake: (To Avon) I can do what needs to be done faster with your help.

Much sniggering

Ceefax: Oh, it's all so dodgy.

Bert: It is, rather.

The sight of Vila's picnic hamper prompts a jelly discussion, which is interrupted by a rather blatant bit of direction.

Ceefax: Arse!

Bert: Whuh! Nice butt shot, there! Round of applause for Jenna's bum!

Blake: Right. Put us down.

Bert: You're horrible! I hate you! Die! Ooo, it's a knobbly plant thing.

Ceefax: It looks like ears.

Bert: What a fun planet.

Ceefax: It's an orange quarry planet. With earry plants.

Bert: Probably filmed in Irchester. An episode of Dr Who was filmed there. Genesis of the Daleks.

Ceefax: I know. I've seen it. With you, actually.

Vila: It's warm. Clammy. A bit like flesh.

Bert: Well, don't put your hand down there.

Vila: I should hate to be eaten by something stupid.

Bert: No, Gan's still on the ship...

The crew decide how to make contact with the rebel forces.

Blake: A small fire first, I think.

Ceefax: (Doing Beavis impression) Fire!

Bert: Why was he looking at the camera when he said that? We can't do anything about it.

Ceefax: He's going to set fire to the cameraman, he hates the cameraman.

Bert: He does.

Back on the Liberator, Jenna and Gan are having a deep discussion about the future.

Bert: Those sofas don't work with the ship. The colours clash.

Ceefax: I dunno... light beige, dark beige, grey... seems to work fairly well.

Bert: Black would look better.

Ceefax: Tell you what, when we get the ship, we'll re-upholster the sofas.

Gan: I have to. I...

Bert: ...was very drunk...

Gan: I want to stay alive. And to do that I need people I can rely on. I can't be on my own.

Ceefax and Bert: Aw!

Gan: I killed a security guard.

Bert: You killed about four on the last ship...

Gan: You see, he killed my woman.

Bert: Not your woman! 'Aw no, he killed me bird...' And meanwhile, Jenna wanders round the ship aimlessly. (Jenna walks out of camera range) What's back there, anyway? Do we ever get to see what's back there?

Ceefax: No. They have a bit of corridor, and they have a cabin, which shows up in series three, I think... did I say the teleport room? They have the teleport room, and the cargo room... that's about it. Boots! Blatant boot shot.

Bert: They have a bit of a thing about that, don't that?

Ceefax: Yep.

Bert: Why?

Ceefax: Because the director really likes boots, I suppose. I don't know.

Bert: Blake's Boots. Boot's Seven.

Ceefax: Blake's Seven Boots.

Bert: Seven People and Their Boots and Their Exploits Through Space.

Jenna goes to check the ship. One of the dead guys has scarpered.

Bert: Lovely shot of the Liberator's cargo room. Very crap isn't it?.

Ceefax: Yeah... Good thing they never use it again.

The missing frozen guy menaces Jenna.

Bert: I think these are bad aliens.

Ceefax: How can you tell? The huge wide glaring eyes?

Bert: 'Cos I've been watching. Duh.

Jenna: I know you're here. We're not going to harm you.

Bert: This series might.

More menacing...

Bert: It's behind you...

The evil alien has smashed the communications device. It falls to bits when Jenna touches it.

Bert: Oh, nice one...

Ceefax: Oooo, it's the broken communicator that turns people into Davros!

Pause.

Bert: What?

Ceefax: She'll use it in a minute and then everyone will be Davros, you'll see.

Jenna fights off the evil alien, and slams the door on his arm. Then bites it when he still doesn't let go.

Bert: Go, Jenna! You kick-arse bint of the future!

Jenna runs to Gan for first-aid. Bert is impressed with the bruise, but thinks the bruise-fixing machine sounds like a vibrator. Gan offers to go and sort out the evil aliens, and Jenna gives him a gun.

Bert: Take this food mixer.

Ceefax: Make them cakes.

Blake and co. call in.

Jenna: Jenna.

Blake: Blake.

Bert: No! (Briefly bursts into tears of frustration) She's Jenna, he's Blake!

Ceefax: How can you be so sure?

Bert: Because she hasn't got your mum's haircut! And she's Britt Ekland!

Back on the planet, Blake's got the fire going nicely.

Bert: Oh yes, very convincing fire. From all the firewood they collected from the blossoming forests.

Ceefax: They burnt Vila!

Bert: About time.

Cally shows up and kicks Blake's arse.

Bert: What is she wearing?

Ceefax: Red.

Bert: Why do I think they got the red planet effect by putting a tinted lens over the camera?

Cally stands on Blake in a victorious-pose kinda thing.

Bert: Lick my boot! Her gun's even worse than his...

Cally: I ask you for the last time, who are you?

Blake: Do you mind if I get up?

Bert: (Doing Cally impression) So, do-you-mind-if-I-get-up...

Blake cleverly defeats Cally by looking the other way, knocks her on the ground and pinches her gun.

Ceefax: (About Cally) Very elegant sprawling, there.

Bert: Reminds me of you and your Matrix sprawling.

Ceefax: I am the Sprawlmeister!

Cally: Your words are meaningless to me.

Ceefax: For you are speaking Welsh.

Bert: This scene is over-dramatic. And don't give her back the gun! Yes, that's a good idea, piss her off then give her gun back...

Ceefax: But he pulled the plug out first...

Bert: Well, that's one way to solve your problems. Unplug some alien bint's gun.

Ceefax: Is that a metaphor?

Bert: Wh-hey!

Blake: If I can get inside that center I'll prove it with the biggest explosion you've ever seen.

Bert: Wh-hey!

Avon and Vila appear from behind the scenery. Avon waves his gun around.

Bert: Those guns remind me of...

Ceefax: Dildos?

Bert: Ice lolly makers.

Ceefax: Oh.

Cally: My people are the Auronar.

Bert: Ahrrunahrrunahrrunarr...

Cally: I would not have died alone.

Ceefax: Vila promptly hides behind Blake...

Cally: The security forces kept hunting us, but we knew the hills and jungles too well.

Ceefax and Bert: Jungles?

Bert: They're in a fucking quarry...

Ceefax: There's a little bit of bush over there...

Avon: What happened?

Bert: Tell me or I'll stick this ice lolly maker up your nose. Mmm, snot lollies.

Vila: I plan to live forever.

Bert: God, I hope not. Blake, I could put up with. Vila, no. I draw the line at Vila.

Ceefax: That's a bit of a bugger, really, seeing as he's the only character to appear in every single episode...

Bert: Noo! Every single episode?

Ceefax: Every single episode.

Bert: I saw an episode once ages ago with these two people in a wood.

Ceefax: Good. Point it out if we ever come to it.

Back on the Liberator, Jenna is looking for Gan...

Bert: Yes, that's right, scowl at the corridor.

Ceefax: Bad corridor.

She uses the communicator to try and find him, including the broken one.

Ceefax: Davros!

Bert: Wugh! And I've got an itchy scrotum.

Ceefax: Scratch it, then.

Bert: I will. Ugh, bollocks all sweaty...

Ceefax: Ah, scrotums...

Bert: And, back to Blake's 7...

Ceefax: Oh, yeah.

Bert: It'll be great typing this one up... (About Jenna) Do you think she plucks her eyebrows?

Ceefax: I dunno. Probably.

Bert: See her stealth through the corridors.

Ceefax: In her camoflage gear. (In reference to what is presumably some kind of power transfer cable connecting the alien pod to the Liberator) Hosepipe!

Bert: Er... why?

Ceefax: To water the flowers. Why else? Boots! Boot shot!

Bert: They're using LEDs...

Ceefax: Boots!

Bert: ...and boots...

Ceefax: Boots! More boots! Still boots! And even more boots...

Bert: You've got a boot fetish.

Ceefax: No, the director has. Nowt to do with me.

Jenna: (Into the projectile) Gan...

Bert: I doubt Gan could fit in there... Well, he is a big man...

Ceefax: 'Gan! Gan!' 'Help, I'm stuck...'

One of the aliens goes for Jenna again.

Bert: 'Back! I've got an ice lolly, and I'm not afraid to use it! Oh no, me tip's melting...' Hang on, last episode they stated you could only have one gun at a time...

Ceefax: One person can only take one gun at a time.

Bert: Oh. That's all right then. So you just can't do Lara Croft impressions around the ship.

Gan's limiter is revealed.

Bert: Ew! (pause) Meanwhile, back on the planet...

Ceefax: Boots.

Bert: Definite boots. Avon just takes his time... 'la-de-da... resistance group... Ooo, staircase!'

Ceefax: (Avon impression) I'm not running, it's not ladylike.

Bert: He minces! Ooo, what a futuristic door. And they seem to have dropped the red lens... It looks so much better. Vila's at the back going 'wait for me! I've got the basket! You bastards...'

Ceefax: 'The sandwiches are falling out!'

Bert: 'I've dropped the jelly!' Oh no, Federation guards. Aren't they scary.

Ceefax: The helmets or the guards?

Bert: They're crap! Especially the one in Blake's little flashback that kept hitting him with a stick. Does that ever come up again?

Ceefax: No.

Bert: Thank god...

Ceefax: I think they used it to death in the first episode...

Blake: This is it. The control room for the paraneutronic generator.

Bert: The what?

Ceefax: Paraneutronic generator. What, you mean you don't know what one of them is?

Vila: (To Avon) Listen, fingers...

Ceefax: Aw... What a sweet little nickname...

Vila proceeds to pick the lock.

Bert: Vila will use his vibrator for this one...

Ceefax: Sounds a bit like a modem... Mmm, modem...

Bert: Ah! The huge logo! Why do they use the federation symbol as the logo? They're trying to escape the federation, don't remind them of it!

Vila opens the door, and the paraneutronic generator is revealed in all it's glory.

Bert: Great, they've found the door to the second episode... Where's the Tardis control room?

Back on the ship, Jenna and Gan are still being attacked by evil aliens.

Bert: Stop giving us arse-shots of Jenna!

Ceefax: Boobies... And what other show would put the fat, balding middle-aged extras into skimpy leathers?

Jenna kicks some serious alien butt...

Bert: Okay, Jenna can fight...

Ceefax: Notice her crawling very slowly towards the gun as she waits for the extra to turn around...

Jenna kills the alien. Back to Saurian Major...

Bert: I don't think it is the same room, you know. The control panel's different.

Ceefax: They could have changed the control panels, they're just cardboard.

Blake forces a teleport bracelet on Cally.

Ceefax: 'Hah! Now we are engaged! You will be my wife! MOOO-HAAAA-HAAaaaa!'

Bert: (Doing Papa Lazarou (League of Gentlemen) impression) 'You're my wife now, Dave...' I take it she joins the crew, by the way...

Ceefax: Yeah. But she doesn't marry Blake.

Bert: No, she marries Jenna. I can see some bitch-fights between those two. Do they have bitch-fights?

Ceefax: Sort of...

Bert: Bitchin.

Due to Zen, the helpful plot device, we discover there are more aliens...

Bert: So, there's two dead, one mouldy...

Ceefax: And one hiding in the letterbox.

Bert: Ooo, nice array of pointy things!

Ceefax: Do you like Jenna's pointy things?

Bert: Seen better. And I'm more of a knobbly thing man, myself.

Ceefax: Oh look, Avon's got a big grabby thing!

Bert: Ooo!

Blake: (into communicator) Jenna, we're ready. Stand by to bring us up.

Bert: He didn't call her Blake that time...

In the nick of time, the Liberator crew (and Cally) are rescued, leaving the guards to the exploding paraneutronic generator.

Ceefax: Crap explosion.

Bert: Seems to have have wiped the guards out. Mind you, they were flakes anyway. Flake's Seven.

In the teleport room, Gan is slumped over the console.

Bert: Gan, are you drunk again?

Gan: Jenna. In the hold.

Bert: Jenna... Hold... Beer!

Cut to the cargo room, and the big bad alien is once again menacing Jenna with a strange alien weapon of some kind...

Ceefax: Chip fork! It's a giant chip fork!

But she is saved by Blake, who heroically chucks the alien onto some live wires.

Bert: Oh, nifty! And all done with Quality Street wrappers. What's that supposed to be?

Ceefax: Um... I think it's the planet exploding. Or something.

Cally: (Telepathically) You have my thanks.

Bert: Don't be rude! Talk to everyone.

Cally tells them she can't go back to Auron.

Blake: Then stay with us.

Ceefax: And sleep with me.

The conversation turns to the projectile. To avoid the death, they're going to dump it back into space.

Vila: We could be up to our armpits in homicidal maniacs within the hour.

Bert: And we've already got Gan.

Ceefax: Well, he can't really be homicidal...

Bert: True... Hang on, Buffy ripped off Blake's 7! Spike's little thing in his head...!

Ceefax: Oh my god, you're right! I'm quite affronted!

Bert: Buffy's sponging off Blake's 7!

Ceefax: Oh, everybody sponges off Blake's 7... I've got no evidence for that, by the way... And the Man from U.N.C.L.E. steals plots from Stingray.

Bert: What?

Fortunatly, the end credits prove a suitable distraction.

Bert: Ah, Blake's 7. What a show.