The Mini-Blake's 7 Couch Potatoes.

Series One, Episode Five.
The Web.

Bert: Well, now we're watching episode five. After God knows how long of not watching anything.

Ceefax: I missed the opening credits of this one. Sorry.

Bert: This is wierd, it's a forest with lots of webs and big balloons...

Ceefax: The planet of the balloon trees... I want a balloon tree.

Bert: There's a big flashing truck thing... You can tell the BBC made this. Ooo, and tubes in the lab. Big tubes.

Ceefax: And a bit of a staircase!

Bert: Ooo, a bit of a staircase! (Novara appears) And a man... woman... woman... man, maybe. In tin foil! (Geela appears) That one's a woman. Maybe. Nice chairs.

Ceefax: Yeah... They look like they'd be hell to sit in, though.

Saymon appears.

Bert: What the smeg... That is quite scary.

Cut to the Liberator. Bert complains that Jenna walks around the console instead of jumping over it to land on the sofa. Meanwhile, Jenna wakes Blake.

Bert: Is Blake's shirt open?

Ceefax: Yup.

Bert: Ooo! Where's Avon? Bet he's lurking around somewhere.

Cally stalks the corridors...

Bert: Ooo, it's... um...

Ceefax: Cally.

Bert: Well, I'm just learning... See her mince around the place. Nice hand shot. Lots of close ups of people's hands.

Blake reaches the flight deck.

Bert: Well, he could at least of done his shirt up before he got there... Untidy captain.

Jenna tells Blake that the ship is a bit out of control... Blake questions Zen.

Bert: He's got all those lovely controls, but he keeps asking the computer! Do it yourself, you lazy git!

Back in the corridor...

Vila: Cally, what do you think of the outfit?

Bert: I like Vila's outfits.

Ceefax: But not that one.

Bert: No, not that one... Wugh! Scary close-up of Cally, there. She scary woman.

Cally hits Vila over the head, for no (as yet) adequately explored reason.

Bert: Ah, what half the known world wants to do. Whack Vila.

The scene shifts to Avon, who's fiddling with something mechanical.

Bert: Looking a bit Time Lordish...

Unfortunately, Ceefax has read a B7/Dr Who crossover fanfic, wherein Avon was indeed a Time Lord. Once back on topic...

Bert: I'm sorry, but Jenna's fashion sense has gone way downhill. I mean, what the hell is she wearing?

Blake: If it was all right, I wouldn't need you here.

Bert: Stroppy.

Cally gets all nosey over Avon, and asks him what he's doing.

Avon: A little private research.

Ceefax: Downloading porn, then.

Bert: I'd like to research Avon.

Avon: All knowledge is valuable.

Bert: But what about the porn?

Cally: (to Avon) I'm interested in your work.

Ceefax: Avon's brain: 'Agh! Woman! Run...!'

Bert: It's wierd, when we watched the first four episodes, I was... I was a Blake virgin, basically, and now I've been looking up stuff, finding out all these great things, and it's so obvious, Blake and Avon are bonking like bunnies! Although at this point I think Avon fancies Blake, but Blake doesn't like Avon too much. And meanwhile, Cally's poking around in the freezer by the looks of things...

Ceefax: (Cally impression) Where's the fish fingers?

Bert: I'd say she's more of a fishcake woman.

On the flight deck, a little detective work is taking place.

Avon: It's Cally.

Bert: What, that place in France?

Ceefax: No, that's Calais...

Jenna wakes Gan up this time. Bert does comedy Gan-waking-up impression.

Ceefax: So cruel...

Bert: Ah, Gan's all right. Bit of a dopey git, though.

Cally: I should regret the necessity to kill you.

Bert: ...with this ice lolly maker.

Cally: I will kill you if you do not obey.

Bert: Obey your mistress! (Does numerous whiplike noises)

Ceefax: Who's the mistress now?

Bert: Callllleeee....

(Note: If you haven't seen any Kekkou Kamen, the last exchange won't make a lot of sense... Why don't you go and look at our beautiful Kekkou Kamen section?)

Bert: Blake, those trousers are very tight!

Ceefax: But never mind.

Bert: Mmm. We'll live.

Cally: (to Jenna) Must you invite death?

Ceefax: 'Dear Death, come round to my house for a lovely party...'

Bert: 'Bring a bottle.'

Gan starts sneaking up behind Evil Cally, which prompts a rendition of the Mission Impossible theme tune.

Avon: If you're trying to steal the ship, there are other ways.

Ceefax: (Avon impression) And if you wait a second, I'll go and fetch my list...

Bert: Stop helping her, Avon! Oh, and back to the planet of the balloons...

Ceefax: I want a balloon tree. Or balloon bush, possibly. Balloon shrub.

Bert: Heh heh, bush... And back in the lab... (breaks into Frank N Furter impression) Come up to the lab...

Ceefax: And see what's in the unconvincing tank on the wall.

Bert: Something really freaky... It looks like one of those things you get in kebab shops... the elephant leg thing.

Cally gets unpossessed, and Zen tells the crew there's an explosive device on board.

Blake: Where?

Bert: Over there!

Ceefax: Where on the stair...

Bert: Right there...

Ceefax: A little bomb with clogs on...

The crew have a brief argument about whose fault it is.

Jenna: We're all in it, Avon.

Avon: Yes, aren't we.

Bert: Yes, yes of course we are... Bitch!

Ceefax: Bastard!

Bert: Lawyer!

Ceefax: Woman!

Bert: Man!

Gan carries Cally out.

Bert: (Gan impression) Come, my love...

Jenna: If we don't hit something first.

Bert: BANG! 'Oh, shit... sorry!' What if it hit like a moon or something? The points would get stuck in...

Avon and Blake utterly fail to defuse the bomb.

Bert: I think that was just an excuse to get Avon and Blake on the floor together.

Ceefax: You're such a little slasher, aren't you?

Bert: It's your fault! You created me!

Ceefax: It's your bloody parents who created you, don't blame me!

Bert: I meant the slash part of me! That's you! You are the one who brought it up! In me! And I'll stop talking now, because that's going somewhere completely different... Oo look, the aliens are moving! And they're... wandering off... Not very exciting, are they?

Inside the complex, Nevara and Geela do intense looks.

Bert: Have elbow sex!

On the Liberator, the crew are discussing their recently possessed collegue.

Bert: (About the console) You could bounce off that, look... She could just leap off that, doing, and sofa.

Zen: The navigation computers have completed a theoretical projection of Liberator's position.

Blake: And?

Bert: And we're buggered. As per usual.

Vila: Oh, that's marvelous. We're not sure where we are, but if they were sure they wouldn't know where it was anyway.

Bert: What does Vila actually do?

Ceefax: Steals stuff.

Bert: 'Cause Gan's...

Ceefax: ...there to hit things...

Bert: Gan's the muscle, Jenna flies the ship, Avon's there to work the complicated stuff, Blake's there to go 'ha ha! I'm Blake!' Vila...

Ceefax: Opens locks. And is general monkey boy.

Bert: And Cally's there to get possessed by any telepathic aliens in the vicinity.

Ceefax: Yup, that's right.

Bert: Useful.

Ceefax: Well, she stuck around longer than Jenna did.

Bert: Did she? God, the outfits are getting worse... Blake looks like he's auditioning for Robin Hood.

The Web itself makes an appearance.

Ceefax: Space candy floss..

Bert: Looks like semen...

Ceefax: Space cum. From the huge space orgy. Or something.

Vila complains briefly about being hit on the head earlier.

Bert: Although he got whacked on the head, there's nothing there...

Ceefax: Maybe they couldn't afford the make-up.

Bert makes a few suggestions for improvements to Avon's costume.

Ceefax: He's not a Time Lord, man!

Bert: He should be!

Avon's trial and error approach to the Liberator's systems causes many sparks and flames.

Bert: 'Blaaake, Avon fried the computer again...' 'I didn't! It was Vila!'

Ceefax: 'Vila, go to your room!'

The autorepair kicks in.

Bert: Ooo! I want that!

Avon: (About Blake) There will come a time when he won't be making the decisions.

Bert: Aw! Little grinning happy Avon! Aaaww!

Cally's back, and doesn't remember much...

Cally: How did I burn my hand?

Bert: 'Well, first we shoved it right up the retro rockets...'

Zen: Sensors indicate increasing density of silica based organic material adhering to the hull.

Bert: It's Jenna's breasts!

Ceefax: No, silica, not silicone.

Bert: Ahhh... like I give a toss. Oo, lovely model shot. You can even see the stick holding the Liberator up.

Ceefax: Probably the one from the candy floss.

Cally is now manning the communications.

Bert: Oh, that's just great, one day on the ship, and she's already got a job. Of course, knowing the Blake's 7 timeline she could have been on there for about seven decades of Blake's 7 fun already...

Blake: If we get clear then we can outrun them if necessary.

Bert: Nothing's chasing you! You're walking into them! Go the other way! Go round them!

Jenna's possessed face causes some giggling.

Bert: That is great acting! (She speaks) Agh! Deadite! Deadite Jenna! And I've just realised something... this is very Lexx in a way. Look, you've got the little hand thing, and Zen only talks to Jenna or something...

Ceefax: Er... Actually they never really build on that.

Bert: Well, that's stupid.

Saymon is quite smug about trapping the ship.

Bert: He's a bit of a tosser, really.

During the complex negotiation process, there is a close-up of Blake looking intense.

Bert: Ew, this is horrible, I'm starting to fancy Blake...

Ceefax: Yes! A convert!

Bert: But I like Avon as well...

Ceefax: Have them both, luv, have them both.

Bert: And we're only five episodes in...

Cally: It is the legend of my people.

Bert: Oh, god...

Cally: They were cast out. Unfit to share the soul of Auronar.

Bert: You know who she reminds me of? Guinen. Always harping on about her bloody people...

Ceefax: But Cally doesn't get to stab anyone.

Bert: That was a fun episode.

Vila: Are you going down?

Blake: Not if I can help it.

Bert: NoooOOOoooo!

Ceefax: What was that, mental images of Blake going down?

Bert: No! No! Never! I'm... pure! I'm nice! I'm a good boy!

Blake: Give it all we've got. Full thrust.

Bert: Go, go, go!

Blake: Speed?

Bert: Nah, I've just taken some...

Much pressing of buttons ensues, as the crew attempt to make the ship go faster.

Bert: No! Not... the green button! (pause) Which was orange... Agh, my colour perception!

Vila gets to fire the big guns...

Vila: I did it!

Bert: Ah, and Vila gets a vague sense of achievement. And the web just closes up again. That's why you go through it quickly instead of just sitting there going 'I did it!' Does Zen have to be so big?

Ceefax: Yes. Apparently.

Bert: Could be a bit smaller... That little dome thing there, he could be about that size. Instead of the big flashing disco square on the wall. You just know when they get bored they turn the ship on it's side so they can dance on it.

Back on the planet, the Decimas are hitting the walls.

Bert: Oh no, anarchists...

Ceefax: 'Let us in, we're Jehovah's witnesses!' Kill the cameraman!

Back on the Liberator, Blake is, indeed, going down.

Blake: Set?

Avon: Ready.

Bert: 'Be careful, sweety.'

Cally tries to talk Blake in letting her go down with him. Avon doesn't seem too happy about the idea.

Bert: Aww, wickle suspicious Avon... (Cally impression) Could you shut up for a second? (Avon impression) No, I'm too snide and smarmy...

Ceefax: (About Bert's Avon impression) That was a bit Kenneth Williamsesque...

Blake: Gan, keep an eye on Cally.

Bert: (Gan impression, shouting) Sorry, Blake, couldn't quite hear you there...

Blake goes down.

Bert: (Avon impression) Hee hee... Ship mine...

Ceefax: Cally, take your wellies and depart.

On the planet, all the Decimas run away from Blake.

Bert: Those aliens look like five different Dr Who aliens put together. Wouldn't be surprised if Blake's 7 and Dr Who shared some the same effects... 'Damn we don't have any costumes left... Go to the Dr Who department.' 'Can we nick an alien, please?'

Ceefax: 'No. Go away.'

Bert: 'Then can we borrow four, and make one big one?' 'Oh, alright.'

Ceefax: 'And some balloons.' Because they don't have balloons on earth...

Bert: Oh my god! The big balloons! Killer Klowns from Outer Space!

Ceefax: (Who was severely traumatised by Killer Klowns from Outer Space) Uggharr! You bastard! That was a horrible horrible horrible film!

Decima: Help us. Help us please.

Ceefax: Piss off, you Ewok.

Bert: It's a Smerf... or a Tribble.

Novara speaks, and more Riff Raff impressions happen.

Bert: Nice foily bum.

Geela: You are hurt.

Ceefax: (Blake impression) No, they just rubbed a bit of jam on me, it's nothing really.

Novara: I'm sorry this happened. The Decimas are becoming a problem.

Bert: (Novara impression) We keep telling them to go away, but they don't listen...

Ceefax: (Also Novara impression) We've told them we're not interested, but they keep giving us these leaflets...

Bert: (Yet another Novara impression) And we think they've started making T-shirts...

Ceefax: (About Novara) Look at him batting his eyelids at Blake...

Bert: 'Will you take away, you big strong captain...' Is Blake a captain?

Ceefax: Er... Well, technically no, but he is in charge.

Novara: (About the teleport) Perhaps you would explain it to us?

Ceefax: 'Stand over there... Go all wobbly... and planet.'

Bert: 'Evolve a bit...'

Geela: We created "the web" as you call it.

Bert: Oh, well that's just great, make huge big fat star weapons, then just leave them all over the place... Irresponsible!

Novara: The problem is both yours and ours.

Bert: I'm sorry, was that meant to be dramatic? It failed miserably.

Geela: Let us show you. Come.

Bert: Yes, come see our little beast thing in a jar. We call him Cyril.

Blake agrees to give the scary foil people some power cells, and the decimas attack again.

Bert: They're not even trying... And they're all flaky... Note to the special effects department: don't use such bouncy rocks.

Novara: The changes in them are astonishing. The earlier generations showed no indication of aggression.

Bert: (Novara impression) Then we started killing them all and they got a bit rowdy... Almost as if it annoyed them...

Blake: Blake.

Cally: Cally.

Bert has a slight case of hysterics.

Ceefax: Shh, it's all right...

Bert: Why can't they remember their own names...?

Zen: The detector malfunction has been rectified.

Bert: Heh heh, 'rect...

Zen's scan reveals the big bad Federation, by means of some huge fat logos on the screen.

Cally: There they are!

Ceefax: Well, thank god Cally's there to point them out, otherwise they'd never notice...

Bert: (Cally impression) We're on a ship! I'm a woman! I've got hair!

Back on the planet, the Decimas promote giggling.

Bert: I'm sorry, but when aliens run around going 'mip mip mip mip' I can't take them seriously. Oh my god, they're Martians... (Note: referring to Tim Burton's Mars Attacks)

...which promotes Martian impressions.

Blake: What was the original purpose of the project?

Novara: Genetic engineering. The main aims were to halt the aging process in humans.

Bert: And to create a monkey with four butts.

Novara: And to create a new species of animal. Creatures that would be able to perform simple menial tasks.

Bert: Like I said, a monkey with four butts.

A little exposition later, it has been established that Novara and Geela created the Decimas, but...

Geela: ...a mutant strain has become dominant. They seem capable of thought. They exhibit primitive emotions, weaknesses we thought we had eradicated.

Bert: Damn these geneticists... Creating flaky little aliens...

Geela: We gave them life. We have the right to take it from them.

Ceefax: (Frank N Furter impression) We made them! And we can break them just as easily!

Bert: But... if you've created a creature... then... do you have the right to destroy it?

Ceefax: I dunno.

Bert: Oh, whatever... they're in the right! Go away, Blake.

Saymon takes over Geela to have a little chat with Blake.

Saymon: No harm can come from your knowing us.

Ceefax: No harm can come from your nose?

Bert: Well, you never know, they can be dangerous...

Blake meets Saymon. The real one, that is.

Bert: Meanwhile, back in the jacuzzi...

Saymon: You must excuse me.

Ceefax: (Saymon impression) I'm in a toilet tank. And my body is made of papier mâché.

Bert: (Also Saymon impression) And I can't stop farting...

One brief pan later...

Bert: Blake's got a nice neck... Oh, I don't want to fancy Blake! (About Saymon) He should really raise the tank up... You could do your neck in staring down at him like that. That tube disturbs me... And I can forgive them for the papier mâché, but not for wiggling it every five seconds. And for the guy shoving his head through the wall.

Blake decides not to give Saymon the power cells because he'd only use them to be mean to the Decimas. Unfortunately, Avon and the cells have already been teleported down.

Bert: 'Avon, where are you?' 'I'm in the woods being yelled at by flaky things.' 'Um... pout at them.'

Blake: I don't give a damn about your power cells, there's a friend of mine out there!

Bert: Aww! That's so sweet! Why don't the heebaweedawhatisits... the alien things... the flaky ones...

Ceefax: Decimas?

Bert: Decimas, that's the ones, why don't they pop the big balloons? And they've got very camp little runs... Mind you, the costumes are so bulky they have to run with their legs five feet apart.

Avon and Blake find each other in the forest.

Bert: Now, Avon looks good in the tracksuit.

Blake outlines the ethical dilemma.

Avon: What do you want to do?

Bert: Um... the mamba?

Ceefax: Doggy style?

Bert: The mamba doggy style?

Ceefax: Well, maybe one then the other...

Novara and Geela catch up with them.

Novara: (To Avon) Put your weapon down. Do it!

Bert: (Cartman impression) Do it, bitch-boy! Respect mah authoritah!

Ceefax: Nothing's worse than tin foil aliens with authoritah...

Geela zaps Avon with her Decima prod.

Bert: Avon was very un-disturbed by that...

The protagonists move back to the lab.

Bert: Ooo, a rampaging mob of... um...

Ceefax: ...Decimas...

Bert: ...Decimas. Look, I'm learning!

Ceefax: It's all right, it's all right, I'm sorry!

The Decimas cunningly infiltrate the complex, via the door that Novara left open.

Bert: Oooo, there's Decimas inside! Who left the Decima flap open!?

The Decimas begin smashing everything in sight.

Bert: Yey, slap the big stupid aliens!

Ceefax: The Decimas don't like the cameraman either...

Bert: No-one likes the cameraman. It can't be fun being a Blake's 7 cameraman.

Ceefax: You get attacked by everyone.

Bert: And Blake glares at you...

Blake switches the anti-web beam on. Cut back to the Liberator...

Bert: What the hell has Gan got? Everybody's afraid for their lives, and Gan's got his little personal stereo out...

On the planet, the Decimas are still having smashy fun.

Bert: It took them about five attempts to turn that table over... and now they're just pushing it... they're not very good at this are they...

Blake and Avon teleport back up, just before the Decimas break into Saymon's room.

Bert: Get the jar! Drink it's fluid!

Ceefax: Ew!

Everyone's safe back on the Liberator.

Bert: Has Gan still got his little thingy in his head?

Ceefax: Yep. Still got his thing in his head.

Avon: Biological machines will never replace the real thing. They're far too unpredictable.

Bert: Oh, stop talking, Avon.

Ceefax: Thought you liked him.

Bert: I do, but he does spout some bollocks, sometimes.

Avon: I'll tell you a fact of life, Blake.

Bert: When a mummy and a daddy love each other very much... Have you noticed the way there's no stars around the Liberator... And looking at the end credits, space is very full, isn't it?

Brief pause for contemplation of the credits....

Bert: Was it just me, or was that one a bit crap?

Ceefax: Well... Yes, it was a bit crap.

Bert: The first one where Cally gets to do something, and she tries to kill them all. Does that happen often?

Ceefax: Yup.

Bert: So her role is to get possessed by evil aliens and try to kill everyone? Yes, I can see how that could be useful...

Ceefax: More Sapphire and Steel?

Bert: More Sapphire and Steel!

(Editors note: Ceefax had just found a new Sapphire and Steel video, unwatched at the time of recording)