C&B B7 Watching - Seek-Locate-Destroy

The Mini-Blake's 7 Couch Potatoes.

Series One, Episode Six.
Seek-Locate-Destroy.

Bert: Right. Episode... whatever.

Ceefax: Six, I think.

Bert: Six... Five... Liberator buggering off that way.

Ceefax: That's the end of the last episode.

Bert: You mean that absolutely wonderful episode - The Web?

Ceefax: Never mind, it's all over now...

Bert: Winding on now, 'cause the Blake's 7 theme doth weigh heavy on the mind. Oo it's a huge... thing... Ah, the Blake's 7 credits. I'd forgotton about these. Look at that, how many planets can you fit into one small bit of space?

Ceefax: They must be near a black hole or something.

Bert: They'll just have to slalom inbetween them... and the Liberator doesn't look that manoeuvrable... Ooo, a big planet looking like Jupiter.

The scary evil security robot appears, and Bert finds it very funny.

Bert: That's the stupidest robot I've ever seen... I want one! They had one a bit like that in Dr Who only it was less crap. How dramatic, Blake appearing out of nowhere. Well, it probably scared the crap out of the robot, anyway. He's gonna nick it, isn't he? Oh no, the robot's possibly giving chase...

The robot shoots a cable that Blake bumped into.

Bert: It's the wall! Or in this case, the wire. I don't think much of Blake's going-out outfit.

Vila: Tell him I've just worked out a completely new strategy. It's called running away.

Bert: I like Vila's strategy. Aw, look, he's brought a picnic!

Ceefax: Again.

Jenna: I'm putting him down - now.

Bert: 'You're crap!' He's down.

Ceefax: I think he was down already, to be honest...

Blake: Vila, over here.

Ceefax: 'You're scuttling the wrong way...'

Bert: Don't get testy, he couldn't see you, Blake. You stupid poncey man. Who I don't find attractive at all.

Blake: As far as I can tell we're in the outer compound.

Bert: 'How can you tell?' 'There's a big sign over there...'

Vila: Why don't I stay here and keep watch?

Bert: It's actually a good plan. See, if Vila kept watch he could warn the others beaming down, or wobbling down...

Ceefax: Teleporting...

Bert: Teleporting, wobbling, whatever, that Blake went THAT way!

Blake and Vila find the high-security fence...

Ceefax: ...with gates you could limbo under...

Bert: Ah, but maybe the natives are built so they can't limbo, and they're not used to humans who can limbo, and this is the big flaw, and I'll shut up now, 'cause I don't really know what I'm on about. Oo, nicely placed ladder.

Vila opens the picnic hamper to reveal a variety of lock-picking implements.

Bert: That's a crap picnic. I bet Gan packed it.

Vila opens the gate's security panel, and tries one of his devices on it.

Ceefax: Aw, it melted his tip...

Bert: Oh no, it's the roboty thing... And Blake gets away by lying down in front of it. Good strategy. 'If I let it ravish me, it might go away.' 'I worship you, oh Robot!'

During Blake's heroic escape, Vila has disappeared...

Bert: He's buggered off...

Ceefax: He has, he's scarpered...

It turns out he was hiding in a cupboard.

Blake: How did you get in there?

Bert: He opened the door...

Vila: There isn't a lock I can't open - if I'm scared enough.

Bert: So he hasn't found his way into Jenna's chastity belt yet.

Ceefax: I'd be quite scared around Jenna's chastity belt...

Bert: Time release mechanism...

Ceefax: 'The staff do not have the combination...'

Vila picks the lock, while Blake looks bored.

Bert: Blake, pay attention! You could learn something here...

Vila: Now, you stand in front...

Bert: '...and draw it's fire.'

Vila opens the gate. Blake is impressed.

Vila: Any very talented person could have done it.

Bert: No you couldn't... You just pressed a button! I could have done that! Oh god, are those ineffectual Federation guards?

Ceefax: Yep.

Bert: Oh no... not the ineffectual Federation guards again... They'll use the stick... They're useless, and they look silly.

Vila: Hello there. How are you? Excuse me wandering about your premises but I wonder if you can help me. I'm an escaped prisoner. I was a thief but recently I've become interested in sabotage...

Bert: Ah, the subtle approach.

Ceefax: Well, at least he didn't try to seduce them like he did the guards on the London.

Bert: I don't know, I thought that guard was quite taken with him... He hit them with the picnic hamper!

Ceefax: How rude...

Vila: Blake, don't leave me!

Ceefax: Aw...

Bert: 'Yes, or I'll shout and alert all the guards in the general area to our presence! BLAKE! Going INTO THE COMPOUND!'

Ceefax: 'Blake, you big wanted criminal, wait for me!'

Bert: Oh, that's nice, he snuggled the guards together for warmth...

Blake and Vila come across one another somewhat unexpectedly...

Bert: What is this, hide and seek with Blake and Vila? Meanwhile, on the Wibberwaiter...

Avon's handing out mines.

Bert: Stop peddling vibrators!

There's a brief discussion about timing...

Jenna: Avon's right.

Avon: I usually am.

Bert: Aw, look, he was waiting for recognition... 'I said something intelligent and witty! Give me praise, dammit! I'm sulking now...'

Ceefax: As opposed to normal...?

Back on Centero...

Bert: Oh, hello! You're a rather delicious scientist... I'm sorry, I am focused on the episode...

Vila: (To captured scientists) All right, all of you, over there, against the wall, quickly.

Ceefax: ...spread your legs...

Blake: Jenna, we found it. Standby.

Bert: Did we lose it?

Ceefax: I think somebody's lost it...

Jenna gets a locator fix on Blake's position, using the Liberator's highly advanced technology.

Bert: Jenna, you're playing pong... What is it with people in this programme and playing pong? Pong is a major obession in the Federation world.

Ceefax: It's probably the only game they're allowed, the evil Federation controls all the others. They just long for... Subbuteo...

Jenna: I'm putting them down - now.

Bert: Strike a pose, everyone...

Jenna looks smug and writes something on a notepad...

Bert: Jenna takes notes... 'Ah hah... Blake, GONE! Vila, GONE! Gan, GONE! All mine now!' Because she could run the ship on her own...

Cally's moving the prisoners...

Cally: Move on, move on...

Ceefax: 'Come by...'

Bert: Watch out for Cally, she's a vicious pointer... Has Gan still got his little chip in his head that means he can't hurt people?

Ceefax: Yep, still got the chip in his head.

Bert: Buffy ripped that off so badly... (Guard impression) 'Oh no, it's a vicious psychotic telepath pointing a gun at us. Again. We should up the security here... Or, in fact, create some security...'

Blake: If they sort through the debris and find the cipher machine is missing all they'll do is change their code and we'll have wasted our time.

Bert: Gee, there's a pity... Those are very pretty bombs. No, no Cally, don't walk off.. you're holding them hostage... CALLY!

One of the prisoners reaches for a canister on the shelf...

Bert: You deserve this... He's got whipped cream! And I think she likes it...

Back in the cipher room...

Bert: Ah, instead of doing something constructive, Blake merely points at bits of wall and goes 'put the bomb there. And a bomb there... No, no, we're clashing bombs now...'

Gan's hood has been pushed back...

Bert: It's the hunchback of Blake's 7...

Ceefax: 'The bombs, the bombs...'

Bert: Ah, the guards come to, and find their hands down each others pants, courtesy of Vila. I love their gas masks, with the convenient large holes down the sides. Oo, the robot's back and looking rather pissed off...

Ceefax: You can tell 'cause it's head's wobbling.

Bert: Did it have big red lightbulbs on before?

Ceefax: I think so, yeah...

Bert: Oh...

One of the guards comes to and runs for the alarm...

Bert: Vila's got a cooler gun than everyone else.

Ceefax: That's 'cause he pinched it off a Federation guard.

Bert: They should get more guns like that. They're good guns. Not like the stupid ice-lolly makers.

Avon's having trouble wrenching his cipher machine free. Blake has a go.

Bert: 'Oh Blake, you big strong man, you!'

Gan has a go...

Bert: 'Oh, Gan, you hunk!'

Ceefax: It's worse, they can't get the jar of pickles open, either.

Bert: Oh no, and Avon's craving...

Vila: (To Cally) I've just been spotted. The alarms are ringing. I thought you ought to know.

Bert: Vila's so useful in a crisis...

Ceefax: No, he's not.

Vila bursts into the cipher room, and nearly gets shot by Avon.

Bert: Yes, leap in at the scary psychotic computer guy, that's gonna help...

A guard looms menacingly at the door.

Bert: It's a raptor! Oh, wait, just a guard... He should have done the raptor thing, that would have been really cool...

Gan's straining away at cipher machine.

Gan: I've broken two connections, just two to go.

Bert: 'No, Gan, we wanted that one over there...'

Ceefax: 'But I thought we needed a vending machine...'

Bert: Oooh, the coffee...!

The prisoners rebel and overthrow the vicious regime of Cally. Bert is not impressed by their fighting technique.

Bert: Flake!

The scientists all run away...

Ceefax: Your one on the end's got nice bouncy hair, hasn't he?

Bert: Yes, he's very nice...

The main guard guy takes off his helmet.

Bert: Bloody hell, they've been captured by Biggles...

Cally's fighting the guard.

Bert: Can't she do scary psychic powers on people?

Ceefax: No.

Bert: She could talk in his mind, insult him in his mind or something, he'd get all confused and run off. Or she could... (Cally defeats the guard, who spawls on the floor) Well, he went down quite well, didn't he?

Ceefax: He flailed mighteously.

Cally wanders around a bit looking for her teleport bracelet.

Bert: Look, Cally, just pick a direction and go. She is a crap actress... I'm sorry, but she is just horrendous.

Back in the cipher room, Gan rips away a bit a panelling and pulls the cipher machine free.

Bert: Hang on... they had the top bit off a minute ago... So they put it back on just to create dramatic effect, and then he just lifts it out...

Cally still can't find her teleport bracelet, and the timers are running down...

Ceefax: Just like the Crystal Maze, this...

Bert: Blake! The baked potatoes are nearly done!

Ceefax: Mmm, baked potatoes...

The explosion happens, but Cally couldn't find her teleport bracelet in time.

Bert: Oh no, Cally's been left behind! She might die horribly! Full speed ahead. Ooo, I think they squished her... Yep, squished Cally. And there's a bitch, right next to the wobbly thing. Transporter.

Ceefax: ...teleport...

Bert: Whatever...

Ceefax: And we have a shot of the Liberator's arse.

Bert: It's a very nice arse.

Ceefax: Very green. Very glowy.

Bert: Throbbing...

Vila: (To Avon, about the cipher machine) You were supposed to disconnect that thing, not rely on Gan tear to it loose with his teeth.

Bert: Now there's an image...

Ceefax does gnawing-cipher-machine noises.

Bert: Has anyone noticed the missing person, at all?

Blake: Zen, retaliation status report.

Zen: Detectors confirm massive launch of long range interceptor rockets.

Bert: 'And my hair?' 'Very fluffy.'

Blake: Maintain optimum evasive strategy.

Ceefax: Translation - run away.

In the teleport room, Avon is explaining the cipher machine to Jenna, Vila and Gan.

Ceefax: Let's all learn with Avon...

Bert: 'Ooo, what does this button do, Mr Avon?'

The technical explanation continues.

Bert: Cooo-eeee... Look, I know she was a bit crap, but has anyone noticed...? It's nice they were so close, isn't it?

Blake: Avon, I want you to make a start with that. Cally can help you. Where is Cally?

Bert: Haaang on...

Nobody's seen her. During the denials, there's a close-up of Gan.

Ceefax: Look, it's trying to think.

Bert: They all are... (Does creaking noise) The cogs doth turn...

Avon: Blake, listen. If she didn't come back up, then she must have been in the building when the charges blew. She's dead.

Bert: But she is not dead, for I have seen her in later video clips, ha ha!

Cut to Federation Space Headquarters.

Bert: Meanwhile, on the space doughnut...

Ceefax: I really want a doughnut, now.

Bert: It's a big air freshener! It's the Federation air freshener base!

Servalan appears, and Bert goes rather squeaky.

Bert: Ohmygod, it's Servalan! Aaaaah! She's so cool!

Ceefax: You like a bit of Servie, then?

Bert: She's so cool! And I know nothing about her except that she wears big brooches and she makes Avon her bitch later on.

Ceefax: And she has very pointy boobies.

Bert: She does, rather...

Servalan: Gentlemen...

Bert: Where?

Servalan: ...I share the President's grave concern. And I am aware of the danger should Blake become a legend...

Bert: (Servalan impression) ...but I don't give a fuck...

Servalan: It is true that Blake has command of a superb space vehicle, but...

Bert: Mine's bigger!

Rontane gets a line. (Of dialogue, that is...)

Bert: Oh my god... He plays...

Ceefax and Bert: ...Nyder...

Bert: And his facial expression and acting abilities are just the same. (Pause) And the guy next to him's doing a very good Davros impression. Terry Nation gets all nostalgic.

Servalan: Very well, Councillor Bercol.

Bert: Councillor What?! Berk off yourself!

Servalan: You may tell the President that I am appointing a Space Commander to take absolute control of this matter. He will be exclusively concerned to seek, locate, and destroy Blake.

Bert: Ooooo...

Ceefax: Wonder where they got the title from?

Rontane: May we know the officer's name?

Servalan: Yes, you may. Space Commander Travis.

Ceefax and Bert: OOOOooooo...

Bert: I know him, as well.

Servalan: I have satisfied myself that Travis acted correctly in this matter. The civilian deaths on Auros were unavoidable.

Bert: They had it coming...

Ceefax: Civilian bastards...

Bert: (About Rontane again) Even his hair's the same... He'd make a really good Riff-Raff. (About Servalan this time) I like her eyeshadow... It's less applied more... you get two small cups and ram your face into them.

Rontane: ...and of course the appointment is made on your judgement and your responsibility.

Bert: (Rontane impression) ... and your breasts... um, your best interests...

Bercol and Rontane exit.

Bert: Yey! Federation doors!

Servalan opens a window and stares meaningfully into space.

Bert: Agh! Hull breach!

Servalan: Your time is running out, Blake. Your time and your luck.

Bert: Strangely enough, I don't think he can hear you...

Ceefax: (Blake impression) 'Avon, stop that, it's not funny.'

Cut to the Liberator, and Blake is looking moody.

Ceefax: (Another Blake impression) 'I want my Cally back!'

The camera pulls back, revealing Blake's latest get-up.

Bert: Robin Hood?!

Ceefax: Goddammit, it's a pirate outfit! Are you blind?

Bert: No, but I think he is. I think they all are... That's a very strange ruff thing on Jenna's... I say 'outfit' tentatively...

Jenna: (About Cally) She convicted herself. You can't live like that. You've got to make peace with yourself, Blake, if you want to survive.

Ceefax: Amateur psychotherapy with the Blake's 7 crew...

Avon's still messing with the cipher machine.

Avon: The primaries are hooked into the main instrumentation, I just have to link up to a read-out.

Bert: 'And when you press the third button it goes meeeneemeeeneemeeenee...' Avon's looking very Time Lordesque... You just need the big head dress and the stupid rubber hat and you're done...

Back in Servalan's office.

Ceefax: Oh look, it's Servalan's tits.

Bert: You see those a lot?

Ceefax: Well, not actually see them, but they're generally quite apparent.

Servalan: (About Travis) Have him report to me immediately. No, have him wait outside until I send for him.

Bert: Ooo, she's gonna make her man wait.

Rai comes in...

Bert: That wasn't much of a wait... Ooo, he's nice...

Servalan: What can be so important that we can't discuss it in a more relaxed way? Oh, Rai, come here.

Ceefax: 'And take your trousers off...'

Bert: 'Sit on my knee, come on, tell me what's wrong...'

Rai: Senior echelon officers all know that Travis is coming.

Ceefax sniggers...

Bert: Oh honestly!

Rai: Is it wise? They know that he has been stripped of his rank and authority.

Bert sniggers.

Ceefax: Oh honestly!

Bert: (Servalan...) 'Travis, make some tea.' (Travis) 'Shall I kill some civilians on the way, madam?'

Rai: I must tell you that there are those among your officers who will not serve with Travis or take orders from him.

Ceefax: 'And I shall point my nose at you if it ain't true.'

Servalan: Let them know, too, that any lack of cooperation, any hesitation in responding to an order, will be treated as mutiny. Let them know I have said this. Dismissed.

Bert: I don't think they'll be friends much longer... She won't be going to her parties... His parties...

Ceefax: Who'll be going to his parties?

Bert: Oh, I don't know...

Travis enters...

Bert: Oooo, look at the leather on that! Vaccuum packed! (Travis impression) 'I bring my crotch!'

Servalan hands him a peice of paper.

Bert: 'Here is your party invite... And you seem to have something on your face...'

On the Liberator's flight deck, Avon's just about got the cipher machine working.

Bert: That's a nice toast rack they've got there.

Ceefax: Well, you're interpreting Federation signals... you'll want some toast, really, won't you?

Bert: 'Oh, Jenna, you've got crumbs in it, now!' And... it looks like Pacman.

Ceefax: Be fair, Pacman was much better than that... Ah, the special Federation cipher diciphering earmuffs.

Blake: (About Travis) I thought he was dead. I was sure I'd killed him.

Ceefax: I often wish Travis was dead, as well...

Bert: Don't like him?

Ceefax: No, I don't like the band Travis. I quite like Travis...

Bert: What the hell is that supposed to be on his face?

Ceefax: Eyepatch.

Bert: Eyesplodge, more like...

Prell's communicator makes an appearence.

Ceefax: 'Commander Travis? My cigarettes appear to be talking to me... I think there might be something wrong...'

In Servalan's office, Travis is looking though increasingly dodgy-looking pictures of Blake..

Bert: Ah, the happy days... I'm sure they didn't intend them to be that dirty...

Travis: What about my crew?

Bert: Well, Susie's busy next week... and Robert's busy...

Ceefax: You can have Brian...

Bert: Oh god, someone get Travis a tissue. Look what he's done to his hand... What the hell is that?

Ceefax: It's a shooty thing...

Bert: It looks like a big bogey... Bogey gun!

Travis: What about my face?

Bert: (Travis impression) My face is beautiful! My mummy likes me!

Servalan: You're certainly not decorative.

Ceefax and Bert: OooooOOO!

Ceefax: (Servalan impression) And I've got a better bum than you!

Travis: You wouldn't mistake me for anyone else.

Bert: Well, oddly enough my Uncle Ron looks just like...

Servalan: (To Travis, about Blake) Tell me.

Ceefax: (Travis impression) He left me... For some psychotic bloke who fixes computers... Bastard! Men!

Travis: We got information that Blake was planning another raid.

Bert: God, Blake's been busy...

On the Liberator, Blake's telling the same story...

Ceefax: I wonder who they got to stick the bits of tin foil to all the polystyrene cups?

Bert: And, indeed, why?

Blake: Everybody was diving for cover that wasn't there. I, I ran...

Bert: I ran and ran and ran and after ten seconds they caught me...

Blake: They did a memory erase on me, set up a show trial, had me confess, made me explain that I had been misled, that my political ideas were mistaken...

Ceefax: And then, a little while later, the first episode happened...

Bert: And it all went downhill from there.

Cally, meanwhile, is busy being captured.

Doctor: There's some superficial bruising, a slight respiratory problem...

Ceefax: '...terrible anorak...'

Bert: '...and some quite hideous blusher.'

Travis shows up on a wall screen.

Ceefax: Travis in the sky with diamonds.

Travis: She is now the property... the concern of the interrogation division.

Bert: 'Have her washed and brought to my room... No, wait, I want her dirty...'

On Centero, the cipher room's being tidied up.

Bert: Ooo, they've got such nice little workers on this planet...

Eldon finds a circuit board imbedded in the wall...

Bert: 'No, that's just the microwave...'

Ceefax: 'Look, there's still some chips stuck to the inside...'

Prell demands a communicator.

Ceefax: bzzzzzzz... 'No, wait, that's my electric razor, sir...'

Bert: I thought it was a rolled-up newspaper...

Travis and Servalan discuss the implications of Blake and co. nicking the cipher machine.

Travis: Now what if that message was something he wanted to hear?

Bert: (Travis impression) 'Blake, I'm hot and naked and I want you now!'

Back on the Liberator, Jenna is looking less than enthralled about the task of monitoring Federation communications.

Ceefax: (Snoring noises) 'Wha... Federation!'

Bert: 'No... no, Gan, don't put it there...' (more snoring noises...)

Blake, Avon and Vila show up.

Bert: (Jenna impression) 'It's the robots from the smash advert. They're willing to negotiate a trade.'

Ceefax: 'They want barnacles!' (pause) I don't know why...

Bert: I was thinking more, six packets of instant mash for Gan...

Zen: Confirmed.

Bert: Oh, great, Zsa Zsa Gabor for a computer... 'Confirmed, my dahlings!'

Ceefax: And the Liberator does a three point turn...

Impressions of various assorted reversing horns happen. Back on Centero, Cally's getting dragged around.

Travis: Sit down, Base Commander.

Bert: 'Have a cup of hot chocolate.'

Travis: Quarter of a million? They won't be able to use their teleport at that range.

Ceefax: How do you know?

Bert: Ah, does that mean he knows more than he's letting on? Or is it just bad scripting?

Ceefax: Bad scripting.

Bert: The thing is, it's an alien ship, so... Ooo, nice guy. Ooo, bad blue-screening... anyway, they're using all this alien technology, for all they know the teleport could be this wierd life-draining thing, and one day they're going to shrivel and die like... chickens... on a...

Ceefax: ...chicken shivelling machine...

Bert: Travis kinda looks like Avon...

Ceefax: Same hair...

Bert: Same profile.

Ceefax: Obviously Blake goes for that type.

Back in the interrogation room, Cally is bound to a chair.

Ceefax: ...they appear to have stuck a femidom on her head.

Cally: Blake will not risk his ship and his crew just for me.

Bert: Earlier, 'I know nothing of this Blake person...' now, 'Blake will not waste his... ah, shit...'

Travis' squeaky trousers are briefly mocked.

Bert: It's very attractive on the head, isn't it?

Ceefax: What, the Femidom? Or the...

Bert: Yep, the Femidom. Or the what?

Ceefax: Travis' splatty head thing.

Bert: No, the splatty head thing's rather unattractive.

Ceefax: Travis II just has a normal eye patch.

Bert: Travis II?

Ceefax: They change the actor next series.

Bert: Did they get bored?

Ceefax: Dunno.

Bert: (About Cally) Spin her round really fast! It's like a game, you have to spin her round until the Femidom flies off!

Ceefax: I wonder what it's stuck on with...

Bert: One dreads to think... I might have seen a picture of Travis II. Is the eyepatch just like this one except smaller and only covering the eye? It looks even worse.

Blake and co. defeat Travis, and Cally grabs his gun.

Bert: What a girly gun...

Ceefax: Yep. Obviously doesn't feel he has anything to compensate for. Either that or he just likes little, nice, petite things. So what he was doing with Blake I don't know...

Bert: (About Travis) God, he's got a huge eyeball...

Travis starts fiddling with his lazeron gun...

Bert: Not the snot ring...!

He misses. Blake and co. teleport.

Travis: Launch the interceptors!

Ceefax: Aw, he sounded like he was crying...

Bert: Jenna looks really smug there, like 'ha, ha I brought you back...'

Ceefax: 'I wrestled Avon away from the teleport console... used Vila to distract him, actually.'

Bert: Everyone, mince to the bridge! Look like you're doing something! Blake removes his girdle...

Ceefax: Flump.

Blake: Travis' gun.

Bert: For those special moments...