The Mini-Blake's 7 Couch Potatoes.

Series One, Episode Ten.
Breakdown.

The end credits from the last episode play.

Bert: Oooo, tracking... And DVD level volume, not good.

The auto-tracking does it's stuff, causing some distortion of the sound. This, in turn, causes some giggling. Before the next episode, a few seconds of accidentally-recorded snooker...

Bert: Yes, Blake's 7 play snooker. Using Vila as the ball. Don't look at me like that, you know you want Vila's balls.

Ceefax: ...little bit.

Bert: Speaking of balls, the opening titles, yey. (Reaches for the fast forward button) Oh, I can't be arsed...

Ceefax: That's entirely fair, it's shite.

Bert: It's not so much that it's shite, it's just that I've seen it... Hey, they've gained some stars. Mind that planet!

Ceefax: What planet?

Bert: Booof! Is that a sun boiling their arses off?

Ceefax: I think it's a desk lamp, but yes.

On the flight deck...

Bert: (Gan impression) Gan have buttoooons! Gan want ice cream button!

There is a meteorite storm, and Gan has some mysterious and possibly plot-worthy head pain.

Bert: My brain huuuuuurts!

Gan semi-collapses, and Jenna takes the controls.

Bert: That's a meteorite storm?

Ceefax: Erm... yes.

Gan goes gaga, and attacks Jenna.

Bert: Go, Gan, go! Do Cally, do Cally!

Gan continues to have a go at Jenna. Blake tries to reason with him.

Bert: (Gan impression) Mine! Mine! ...ooo, Blake prettier! Kiss me, fat boy! (as himself) Blake's arse, everyone...

There is a brief round of applause.

Bert: Yes, Gan versus Blake. Not really a fair fight, is it?

Ceefax: Heh, Blake's arse...

Avon, Vila and Cally run in.

Bert: And then they all run the other way, then run back again, to create the illusion that the Liberator has some rooms.

Ceefax: (Cally impression) My god, Blake's in trouble... Avon, you're running the wrong way! The fight's over here!

The crew do their best to restrain Gan.

Bert: Ooo, Avon, low blow...

Ceefax: It's great, isn't it? Everyone else is just trying to grab him and hold him, Avon knees him in the nuts.

Tranquilisers are administered.

Ceefax: I'm not sure nicotine patches are going to help...

Bert: Ah, that's what happened, he's trying to give up smoking and it's not going well.

Blake: It must have something to do with the limiter implant in his brain.

Bert: What plant in his brain?

Ceefax: You know, the spider plant.

Blake assigns the crew to clear up and check for damage.

Bert: ...like Cally could lift anything.

In the medical unit, Jenna's examining Gan.

Blake: Anything?

Ceefax: Three big ones, and lots of eggs.

Blake: We'll run the usual checks.

Bert: What usual checks?

Ceefax: Yes, begin standard Gan insanity procedure!

Cally gets all upset over tying Gan down.

Cally: Surely that is unnecessary.

Bert: Surely that isn't going to hold him.

She continues to whine.

Bert: (Blake impression) Cally, you remember when we took you on the ship, we said 'be useful'? We're still waiting.

Blake returns to the flight deck, where Avon has been running systems checks.

Blake: Well?

Avon: All systems clear and functioning.

Bert: (Blake impression) No, I was talking about the outfit.

While Blake and Avon discuss the impossibility of their repairing Gan's malfunctioning limiter, Ceefax and Bert have the traditional Robin Hood/Pirate outfit argument.

Bert: Ah, bring it. (Pause) I like Avon's new outfit.

Avon: There are quicker ways that you could kill him, but there are none more certain.

Ceefax: (Avon impression) Yes, you could kill him... I'm not happy about this prospect, hee hee hee...

Avon asks Blake if he's coming.

Ceefax: Lean in a bit closer, why don't you...

Blake: Zen, reverse thrust and stop.

Bert: AGGGGhhhh! Thump. Great, now Gan's gone through the wall...

Back in the medical unit, Gan's treatment (or lack thereof) continues.

Bert: What the hell's that? Are they trying to tune him in?

Ceefax: It looks like this bomb they had on Thunderbirds one time...

Bert: Wait, hold it still, we just got Channel 5!

Blake: You two watch the screen. I'll do the probe.

Bert: (Blake impression) Yes, everyone turn around, and I'll do the probe.

Avon narrates the probing of Gan's brain.

Bert: I feel sorry for Paul Darrow, having to learn all this random crap.

Avon: That section seems to be burned out.

Ceefax: Yes, Gan's brain is on fire.

Bert: (Avon impression) No, wait, Blake that's your knee. (Blake impression) I wanted to play with the toys...

On the flight deck, the crew discuss how to obtain a neurosurgeon at short notice.

Bert: My god, how gay is Zen? He gets worse every episode.

The action is briefly ignored as Ceefax and Bert attempt to read the space map.

Blake: What about Overon?

Ceefax: Oberon? King of the Fairies? I don't think he'll be able to help... He could prance around the glade a bit...

Bert: Was that Oberon or Overon? 'Cos I'm thinking ovaries. And wondering where they're going with this.

Avon wants to go to XK72. Zen says it's too far away.

Avon: Conclusion is incorrect. Recompute distance and flight time.

Bert: (Avon impression) I'm right! (Zen impression) No, I'm right! (Not an impression) Ladies, ladies...

Vila: (About Avon's plans for XK72) A bolt hole. Somewhere to run if things get too hot here.

Avon: The thought had crossed my mind.

Ceefax: (Avon impression) But unfortunately nothing's hot here, whatsoever.

Bert: 'Booo hoo hoo hoo!' 'Oh, shut up, Blake.'

Zen says it's too dangerous to go to XK72.

Blake: What sort of danger?

Ceefax: (Zen impression) Big, scary, space danger.

Bert: We'll send Cally in first.

Blake tells Zen to go to XK72 anyway.

Zen: Rejected.

Bert: I don't wanna!

Ceefax: Shut it, Zen.

Zen: Your command reduces to an order to self-destruct. This runs counter to Prime Directive.

Ceefax: It's nice, isn't it? In Star Trek, the prime directive is to look after the little, insignificant alien beings, in Blake's 7, the prime directive is 'don't get yourself blown up.'

Bert: In Star Trek, if the computer says 'this is dangerous', you say 'shut up', and it goes 'all right'. Zen: 'no. I'm not doing it. You can whinge all you want.' They should carry on, and then Zen should jettison himself, going 'haa ha ha ha! See you later, amigos!' Because computers always become Mexican when jettisoned from spaceships. I mean, who doesn't?

Ceefax: (Mexican Zen impression) I'm going to Tijuanaaaaa!

The Liberator enters the prohibited zone, and Zen switches himself off in protest.

Jenna: Blake, the screen's gone dead.

Ceefax: (Jenna impression) ...and life support's been cut off...

Bert: Quick, open a window!

Ceefax: (Still a Jenna impression) ...and all the toilets are broken.

Bert: Ah, shit.

Luckily, the secondary screen is still working.

Bert: That's fucking convenient.

Ceefax: And quite nicely done.

Vila: What do you suppose it is that's lurking out there?

Bert: Oh my god, it's those random people on the streets that want you to answer questionaires...

Blake: Anything on the detectors?

Bert: Nuns! Hot, screaming, space nuns!

Avon has a brief panic attack about flying the ship without Zen's help.

Bert: Avon's all like 'arrgghh! Oh no!', but Blake's just 'yeees, well, it could be dangerous, I'll just lounge and point.'

Ceefax: Aw, but they're so sweet together...

Bert: They are.

Jenna refuses to turn back. Avon grabs her and yells at her.

Ceefax: (Blake impression) Avon, stop touching women, I've told you about this before.

There's a bit more panic about keeping the Liberator on course, followed by a nice outside shot.

Bert: Hang on, I've seen that backdrop before...

Ceefax: Three planets per square inch of space... They've gone to the centre of the galaxy for no reason.

Bert: Meanwhile, Gan dreams of bunnies. On toast!

In the computer room, Avon's trying to get the auxiliary computers working.

Ceefax: Oh god, it's a lights out puzzle!

Bert: Just 'cos you're crap at them.

Ceefax: Yes, I am crap at them, and so's everyone with a normal brain.

Bert: So, what do the buttons on the end do?

Ceefax: I don't know. I don't know what the buttons in the middle do, and I'm not entirely convinced Avon does, either.

Back to Gan...

Ceefax: (Gan impression) Must... Eat... Restraints!

Bert: 'Your mother sucks cocks in hell!' Meanwhile, Cally buggers off for a coke.

Back to Avon...

Bert: I want the end buttons to do something! Anything! I just need to know they work...

The computers aren't working, the ship's out of control, and the crew aren't happy.

Bert: Zeeeeennn...

Ceefax: We're sorry...

Bert: You were right, we were wrong...

Gan tries to sneakily get Cally to untie him.

Bert: And the telepath doesn't pick up there's anthing wrong...

Ceefax: She can't receive other people's thoughts, only send hers.

Bert: OK, but surely she'd get something from the mad expression.

Ceefax: ...it reminds me of that chair made out of a ribcage from Hitch-Hiker's Guide. That was a cool chair.

Gan attacks Cally. Again.

Bert: Yes, yes, more! End her!

He then moves on to smashing up the room.

Ceefax: (Gan impression) Brain... broken... blame... table!

Bert: (Another Gan impression) Must... find... penguin!

Back in the computer room, Avon solves the puzzle, and the last row of lights are lit.

Bert: Oooh, I wanted them to be purple...

On the flight deck, the menace to space traffic is finally revealed.

Bert: Space toilet!

Cally regains consciousness.

Ceefax: (Cally impression) My god, I'm dumb... Note to self, stop trusting humans.

Blake: Jenna, you take my place. Brief Cally.

He rushes off to find the escaped Gan.

Ceefax: fwap. There's your briefing.

Bert: Blake, do you remember the last time you tried to fight Gan? Gan pick Blake up, go smashy smashy...

Gan has found the computer room.

Bert: Aw, bless little Avon! 'Don't hurt me, I'm pretty!'

Ceefax: (Gan impression) Tasty computer links!

Some tranquiliser pads later, back on the flight deck, Blake decides to fly right through the centre of the space toilet.

Ceefax: Noooo! I want to live!

Bert: Idon'twannadieIdon'twannadieIdon'twannadie!

Jenna: On my mark, five four three two one.

Bert: 'Trains gone!' 'Jenna, that's the last time we're letting you go to the theatre.' Ahh, who dropped a floater?

Ceefax: Space floater.

Bert: Use the wobbly face button!

Blake: We've made it. We are through!

Bert: (Blake impression) And we've all reversed gender... I never used to have female sexual organs.

They reach XK72, and Blake tells Avon to make up a convincing cover story.

Blake: (to Avon) Convince him. Use your charm.

Bert: (Blake impression) Use your womanly wiles. No, Cally, don't use yours.

Exterior shot of XK72.

Bert: What a horrible space station.

Ceefax: All knobbly. At least it doesn't look like a mushroom like the ones out of TNG.

Bert: I like the mushroomy ones... And you like mushrooms!

Ceefax: Yes, they're tasty.

Bert: So you could go and eat it.

Ceefax: Mmmm, giant space mushrooms...

Bert: (About Jenna) She's changed her outfit!

Ceefax: She must've wet the last one.

Zen returns, somewhat startling Bert.

Ceefax: Who turned Zen's volume up?

Blake: (To Zen) Where were you when we needed you?.

Bert: (Zen impression) Cowering like a baby.

Avon's made contact with XK72 and secured the services of a neurosurgeon.

Cally: Blake, it's urgent.

Bert: (Blake impression) Well, cross your legs.

Over on XK72, Dr Kayn, the neurosurgeon, is having a nice chat with Farren, the wishy-washy little guy who allegedly runs the place.

Bert: (Looking at Kayn) That's whatsisface... He was in Dr Who. I think...

Ceefax: It's quite likely, a lot of them have been.

Bert: Yes! He played Scaroth. A big thing with one eye that looked as if a mouldy bowl of spaghetti had been poured over his head.

Blake teleports in, taking the natives somewhat by surprise.

Blake: Don't worry, I'm not armed.

Bert: (Farren impression) Well! You could knock!

Ceefax: ...they mess up the teleport coordinates slightly, and he ends up in the bathroom. (Blake impression) Don't worry, I'm not armed. ..and I didn't see anything.

Bert: (Another Blake impression) Don't worry, I saw everything!

Blake: (To Kayn, about a teleport bracelet) Would you put this on please?

Ceefax: (Kayn impression) It doesn't suit me at all.

Bert: (Blake and also Papa Lazarou impression) You're my wife now!

Blake and Kayn teleport across.

Blake: Avon, send someone across to collect Professor Kayn's assistant, will you?

Bert: (Avon impression) Oh yes, Avon do this, Avon do that... Avon, wipe my arse... Honestly.

Kayn: Truly remarkable.

Bert: Oi! Leave Avon alone.

Blake and Kayn bugger off in the direction of the medical unit, and Avon and Vila have a brief discussion concerning the underlying themes of the series.

Avon: Why do you stay with Blake?

Vila: I like him.

Avon: That isn't a good enough reason.

Bert: (Vila impression) ...you're the one sleeping with him...

Avon: Put me across.

Bert: 'Across'?! I can't mock him, now!

Avon teleports across.

Bert: (Avon) Vila? This is the ladys' room. It's scary.

Blake and Kayn pass by the Liberator's computer room.

Bert: Whoooo, that's one big microwave...

Kayn gets a bit shirty over Gan's limiter. Meanwhile...

Avon: (Via the bracelet) Vila, this is Avon.

Bert: (Avon impression) Help.

Avon: I'm staying for a look around.

Ceefax: (Also an Avon impression) They've got a fantastic giftshop.

Vila teleports Kayn's assitant, Dr. Renor, over.

Bert: (Renor impression) Hairlair, I'm British!

Ceefax: (Renor) Here for a bit of jolly old neurosurgery, don'tchouknow?

Bert: (Renor) Come, Tarquin! (Vila) Er... Vila.

On the flight deck...

Blake: Zen, I want a series of projections from the battle computers. Nearest Federation bases, likely flight patterns, flight times, and possiblity of interception.

Ceefax: (Zen impression) Is there anything you wouldn't like me to do?

Bert: (Blake impression) Oh, yes, and make some coffee.

On XK72, Avon is doing his best to sell out all the others.

Avon: (Upon being accused of trying to sell Federation secrets) Suppose I tell you that the material does not belong to the Federation, that we are not Federation personnel, and that THAT is not a Federation ship.

Bert: (Farron impression) Well, I would say, 'off with the mask, I'm Servalan, ha ha, got you!'

Ceefax: Servalan would never wear that.

Bert: True... She'd get Travis to wear it.

Avon: You and your foundation stand to make a fortune. I'm merely asking for your guarantee that you will maintain your neutrality ... and protect your investment.

Bert: Oooo, you saucy minx...

Back on the Liberator...

Renor: (At Cally) Hello! This place is full of pretty girls.

Bert: Oh, for god's sake...

Kayn gets rid of Jenna and...

Kayn: Won't need you either, Cally.

Bert: Begone, flake!

Kayn fills Renor in on just who it is they're helping.

Renor: Stannis! That's who she is! Jenna Stannis.

Ceefax: (Renor impression) I've got a poster of her on my wall, my mummy says she's faboo!

There is some discussion concerning morality and how it applies to aiding enemies of the Federation.

Kayn: I'm talking about stability, Renor, stability.

Bert: (Kayn impression) Something you lack, mentally.

Kayn: With no stability there is no progress.

Renor: Progress to what?

Bert: Mushrooms! Badger, badger, badger, badger...

Renor: That's what you intend to do, isn't it? You're going to delay the operation so that Blake and his crew can be captured.

Bert: (Kayn impression) Yeeeeees... Isn't it delightfully evil of me?

Kayn informs the Federation of Blake's whereabouts, going over Farren's head to do so, which sends him into something of a tizzy.

Ceefax: (Farren impression) Why does no-one listen to meeeee?

Bert: (Farren impression) I have the stupidest haircut...

The crew begin to get suspicious, and ask Zen how long brain operations usually last.

Zen: There is insufficient data for an accurate projection.

Bert: (Zen impression) And I want a lolly...

Farren come clean to Avon about the pursuit ships that are heading their way.

Avon: It was naive of me to expect you to keep your word.

Ceefax: (Avon impression) I'm just an innocent little flower... (Not an Avon impression and about Farren) Where is he looking?

Farren: (About the Liberator crew) ...more probably they will be destroyed.

Bert: No, they won't. We're only on series one.

Renor cracks in the face of Kayn's evil lounging.

Renor: I'm going to operate myself.

Bert: You can't operate on yourself...

Vila and Avon burst in, and force Kayn to operate at gunpoint.

Bert: (Kayn impression) Oh, alright. 'Btzzzzzz!' Your go.

Blake gets in on the doctor-threatening action, and threatens to destroy Kayn's hands.

Ceefax: (Kayn impression) My hands? But they do all my favourite things...

Bert: Good threat, though.

Mucho operating.

Bert: Meanwhile, on BBC2... Shit, wait, we're on BBC2...

Ceefax: Meanwhile, on BBC2 in another dimension...

Gan is going to live. Ceefax and Bert discuss the logistics of the teleporter.

Bert: So, it's like Star Trek, then?

Ceefax: Yep. Except with pretty bracelets.

Bert: You never really got that in Star Trek: 'Riker, put your bracelet on!' 'No...'

Bert: I'll handle this Jenna. You can help Gan.

Ceefax: (Blake impression) I'll fly the ship! 'Boom!' You fly the ship...

On XK72, Kayn and Farren have a little tiff. Ending with Kayn going a bit mad and throttling Farren.

Ceefax: So, a normal night in, then.

Liberator v. pursuit ships...

Zen: Battle computers project pursuit ships directly in Liberator's flight path.

Bert: Go the other way...

XK72 gets hit by a random plasma bolt and goes boom.

Bert: Ha ha, all the British people died...

Ceefax: Except for the ones on the Liberator.

Bert: No, they're not British, they're cool.

Ceefax: That's not very patriotic.

Bert attempts to hum the national anthem.

Bert: No, wait, that's France...

Ceefax: No, that was Rule Britannia, that counts.

Ceefax demonstrates the French national anthem.

Bert: Theirs is more cheerful...

During the anthem discussion, the episode has ended.

Bert: Anything that ends with the whole cast going 'ha ha ha' needs to be shot. That's a Thundercats ending.

Unfortunately, there is a Pride and Prejudice ad at the end of the tape.

Bert: 'Oooooh, he kissed me, ooooooooo....' Thump.

Ceefax: 'Ooooooh, he's in the same room as me! Ooooooooh, men exist!' Thump.

Bert: 'I only said good morning...'