The Mini-Blake's 7 Couch Potatoes.

Series One, Episode Nine.
Project Avalon.

The opening credits play.

Bert: I love it, one moment space is completely full, the next there's like one star, off to the left... Blake, you've missed the universe.

Ceefax: 'Shit, we're in intergalactic void...'

Bert: (Avon impression) Blake, you're a moron. I'm going to mother.

Ceefax: ...even though Jenna was steering the ship at the time...

Luckily, Bert is distracted by the beginning of the episode.

Bert: Oooo, cheap snow effects!

Travis and one of his mutoids go for a nice stroll across the ice planet.

Bert: It's one of those mutoids again. And... Lord Voldemort.

Ceefax: 'POTTER!' 'Um, no, Blake, actually...'

Bert: I thought he was going to have that mutoid bint shot.

Ceefax: It's a different mutoid bint.

Bert: Looks just the same...

Ceefax: It's the hat.

Travis semi-emerges from his furry hood in order to wax lyrical about the cold.

Bert: So Travis, when he gets bored, does Kenny impressions?

They enter the caves.

Bert: Why are they in a volcano?

Ceefax: It's not really a volcano, they've just got a red lamp round the corner.

Bert: Don't ruin the magic!

Terloc appears, amd creeps after them.

Bert: And they're being stalked by a yeti. Or Blake. Or Jenna... So does Travis have a new binty mutoid every week?

Ceefax: The mutoids are pretty interchangeable...

Travis and Terloc conspire, and Terloc departs.

Travis: It's working; just as I predicted.

Ceefax: You didn't predict it, you just read it in the horoscopes.

Travis: This time we'll be ready for you, Blake.

Bert: Who's he talking to? That's not Blake...

Cut to the Liberator.

Blake: Zen, can you get an estimated surface temperature from this range?

Bert: (Zen impression) Bloody cold. (As himself) Someone's done their hair! Except for Cally's. Which still looks as if someone dumped a bowl of spaghetti over her head.

Ceefax: Maybe they found a hairdressing room.

Bert: (Jenna impression) Blake, Zen can scan the whole universe, and he does a nice perm as well.

There's some discussion about the planet, it's inhabitants, and why the Federation likes it...

Ceefax: I don't know what's going beep...

Bert: Gan.

Ceefax: He's playing Tetris.

Bert: No, it's his thing in his head, he's going to pop.

Ceefax: You look closely, it's doing a countdown.

The subject of Avalon is brought up.

Avon: I shall look forward to our meeting with eager anticipation.

Bert: That's sarcasm, isn't it... Damn you, Avon, stop being pretty! (pause) ...yelled Blake.

Back on the ice planet, Travis' mutoid stalks around on a high ledge.

Bert: Do a flip!

Ceefax: Damn it, mutoid, stop hogging that healthy liver!

The mutoids surround the rebels, standing in a neat line.

Mutoid: Stay where you are.

Ceefax: 'We have a can-can line and we're not afraid to use it.'

Bert: Come on, girls, big finish! With Travis in the middle. Like in Tank Girl!

Ceefax: I do like Travis' coat.

Travis: I want Avalon...

Ceefax: We all want Avalon, love...

Bert: The thing about Travis' coat is, it confirms he's gay. It's just too Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Ceefax: You think everything in this show is Zsa Zsa Gabor.

Bert: No, I think everything's Fern Britton.

Avalon: Who betrayed us?

Bert: Yo momma. (Noticing one of the rebel extras) That man has no face at all!

Ceefax: It's that guy out of Sapphire and Steel.

Travis: Give Blake his homing beacon -- make it easier for him.

Bert: He likes it easy... Easy and hard! Hard and wet!

Terloc: They're going to kill us!

Ceefax: God, he's quick.

Travis and the mutoids (mainly the mutoids) start slaughtering the rebels.

Bert: Shuffle randomly in circles! Stand still, it's your only hope! Why are all the mutoids women?

Ceefax: They're not, it's just they're all wearing a lot of make-up. I'm fairly sure the one at the back's male...

Bert: They're all at the back...

On the Liberator, Blake and Jenna and wearing going-to-very-cold-planet clothes.

Bert: (Cally impression) You killed my mink! (Not a Cally impression) It died well, Cally. It died well.

Zen: All systems confirm instrument readings.

Bert: (Avon impression) Oh, shut up, you tart. (Zen impression) Bitch! (Avon impression) Slapper!

Ceefax: Yes, Avon has programmed Zen with an extensive range of trash-talking macros.

Bert: Hey, what was that with Jenna and Cally, there? That was a bit... intimate.

Ceefax: Space lesbians!

Bert: Noooooo...! Jenna, for god's sake, have some dignity, woman! I'm sorry, but Cally is just... well, look at her!

Ceefax: She'd snap. You couldn't do anything... Enthusiastic.

Bert: And, meanwhile, Vila is let at the controls again. (Vila impression) I'm going to try the green button, this time...

The suits thermal controls are revealed.

Bert: That's a big nicotine patch.

Blake secretes several teleport bracelets about his person. Bert makes humourous noices.

Ceefax: Yes, every accessory aboard the Liberator has a 'vibrate' function.

Bert: Hell, yeah! Including Avon?

Ceefax: ..hmmm... Yeah, I think so. Or he will on our Liberator...

Bert: That's why he was wearing the thing with the little buttons... You've got on/off/vibrate. And ice cream.

Blake and Jenna teleport down.

Bert: Right. Now, try and blend in.

They find what's left of the rebels...

Ceefax: Excellent, a fur coat sale.

Jenna: Weapons are still in the racks.

Ceefax: And the racks are still on the women.

Jenna: Let's get out of here, Blake.

Bert: (Blake impression, refering to the homing device) No, it's pretty. It goes beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep... beep...

Ceefax: (Jenna impression) Jenna to Liberator, he's been hypnotised again. Send down the pokey stick.

Bert: (Avon impression) Cally, get in the transporter...

Ceefax: ...teleport...

Bert: Whatever. Yo momma.

Ceefax: Yo momma.

Bert: Yo momma was a teleporter.

Ceefax: Yo momma's Jenna's bra.

Bert: Could be worse. Could be Gan's.

Scene change, and we're now inside a federation lab.

Bert: Meanwhile, Travis relaxes...

Mutoid: (To Travis) The Supreme Commander's ship has landed, they've already disembarked.

Bert: (Travis impression) Oh god, quick, quick, quick, get my flashy cloak. How's my makeup? Is my hair alright?

Avalon's interrogation begins. This involves restraints and nudity.

Ceefax: Yes, that's what they do to rebels.

Bert: It's not all bad, then.

Ceefax: Just be grateful you didn't get a flashback to Blake going through this particular process.

Bert: Iiiiieeeee! (Looks momentarily intrigued) No! Avon, Avon, Avon, Avon, Vila...

Ceefax: Gan?

Bert: Blake, Blake, Blake...

Avalon seems unimpressed by the evil Federation mind control strobe light.

Bert: Blake was all like 'AAARRGGGGHHHHHHH!', but she's just 'Oh, I did this years ago...'

Ceefax: It's messing with my mind... The Federation is good!

Bert: (Looking at Travis) Wouldn't it be funny if that thing just fell off his face?

Avalon: You will murder hundreds of people, maybe thousands...

Bert: (Avalon impression) 'Maybe twenty, we're just not sure.' (Not any kind of impression) It looks a bit like a pok�dex. A big fat chunky one. ...oh god, just stop it with the flashing light! This week on Blake's 7... Epilepsy! She must've got such a headache doing this bit.

On the Liberator, Chevner, the only surviving rebel, is being patched up and debriefed.

Jenna: Are you sure that they took her to the Centre?

Bert: Well, they didn't actually leave directions, what with all the shooting...

Ceefax: No, wait, they left a map...

Bert: And a ball of string...

Blake wants Vila to teleport down to the freezy ice planet. Vila complains that he's got a weak chest.

Avon: The rest of you's not very impressive.

Bert: (Vila impression) You were looking at me in the shower again, weren't you?

Gan's checking for space activity.

Bert: Gan, don't touch the buttons, we've told you...

Ceefax: You've put your hand through the console again. They're only made of loo roll!

In the teleport section.

Bert: Ooo, Avon went for a jog. Followed by a stick. Sorry, Cally. ...I'm sure she's likeable really...

Ceefax: The problem is, you can't find her to like her. She keeps standing sideways.

Avon and Cally watch Vila get into his thermal suit.

Ceefax: There is absolutely no entertainment on the Liberator, the crew are forced to sit around and watch Vila put clothes on for hours on end.

Bert: Avon seems very interested...

Ceefax: Yes, it's obviously fascinating.

Vila teleports down.

Blake: Vila!

Bert: (Vila impression) Mother?

Blake: This is Chevner.

Ceefax: He was shot earlier, but apparently he's fine now.

Jenna does a quick plot recap, then the scene switches back to the lab. A mutoid brings in the labour-grade scum Travis requested earlier.

Bert: ...oh, it's a man. The dress threw me.

Ceefax: Doesn't he look a bit like Terry Gilliam?

Servalan makes her entrance.

Bert: Oh, work it baby!

Ceefax: Oooo, it's real cat as well...

Bert: Servalan rules! Just look at her! Only she could pull that look off! She the man and the lady.

Servalan: You've heard, of course, that there have been two attempts on my life.

Travis: I have. I was very concerned.

Bert: (Travis impression) I didn't do them. It wasn't me. (Not a Travis impression) That mutoid looks stoned! And look, Travis is trying to resist the urge to shove his head down her dress. He's thinking 'would my head fit down there...'

Ceefax: Flump! Obbble-obbble-obble...

Bert: (Servalan impression) When you're quite finished, Travis...

Ceefax: (Travis impression) Orry, upeme amada...

Bert: Ooo, look, nipples! All rise for Servalan's nipples. Right, what are they talking about?

Servalan: Officially, you have my presence...

Bert: ...but I want them back.

Servalan inspects the prisoner (Avalon, that is) via a viewscreen.

Ceefax: Yes, Travis, zoom in quickly to get her tits out of shot.

Bert: 'And if you go in a bit closer you can right up her...' 'Travis!' '...I was going to say nose.'

Servalan: Travis, I think the labs have come up with what you wanted. It's totally new -- and very costly.

Ceefax: Chanel No. 5!

Bert: ...I was going to say Utterly Butterly...

Travis is presented with a little fuzzy thing.

Bert: Ooo, pretty... It's one of the Sapphire and Steel blokes! They've caught Uranium! Oh my god!

Travis puts the little fuzzy phial into his expendable labour-grade's cage.

Bert: So, that's five seconds in the Crystal Dome... I don't like the guys in green. I want mutoids, Travis, Servalan, and maybe some of the guards, but not them.

The phial is smashed, and the labour-grade is all fungified.

Bert: He doesn't look too bothered, does he?

Ceefax: 'La la la, horrible tortures, hideous death, la la la la, when's dinner?'

Bert: My god, evil mushy peas.

Travis: How long before it neutralizes?

Ceefax: Twenty three recurring, apparently.

The labour-grade has now been reduced to a skeleton.

Bert: 'You go first, Travis,' 'no, after you, Supreme Commander,' 'no, I think you're going first.'

Close-up of the skull...

Bert: 'I feel happy...'

On the planet's surface, the security robot makes an appearance.

Bert: I'm so glad they don't use those all the time. Cos they look fucking stupid. Same reason I don't like Cally, and I will leave Cally alone soon.

Ceefax: Oooo, I remember this bit! This is a silly bit, I'll point it out when we get to it.

Bert: Blake's 7? Silly?

The robot trundles past Blake and co. Bert sings a little happy robot song.

Bert: I don't know what they're worried about, it doesn't even have a turning circle...

On the Liberator, pursuit ships are causing some kerfuffle.

Gan: They're coming in very fast.

Bert: (Gan impression) No, wait, I was looking at the baked potato timer.

Avon: Our only hope is to make a fast orbit, lose those interceptors, then come back onto station.

Bert: (Avon impression) And I'm the prettiest, so do what I say! And Gan, stop looking so ravenous. (Not an Avon impression) He's like 'Mmm, Avon, edible.' And I know that look, cos I get it quite often. You made me fancy scary old computer men!

Ceefax: I made you do nothing!

Bert: True...

Back in the lab...

Bert: Cool! Travis and Servalan just kick back and relax... They look so cute together just sitting and reading...

Back to the tunnels, briefly, Vila's attempting to break into the Centre.

Bert: Wasn't Jenna wearing that coat a minute ago? 'Where's Jenna?' 'I skinned her alive!' 'Vila...' 'Fine, we just swapped coats for a joke.'

All done with the interrogating, Avalon is locked up.

Servalan: (To a random little scientist) Was everything satisfactory?

Scientist: Perfectly.

Bert: She was a right goer.

The pretty little visual prisoner locator is demonstrated.

Computer: F-two. Avalon.

Ceefax: F-three, Hugh Grant.

Travis: (To guard) You've drawn your new weapon from the armoury, I see.

Ceefax: Hmm, and it's exactly the same as the old weapon, how handy for the props department...

Bert: No, these ones are just splat guns.

Ceefax: For the evil Federation paintballing, damn Travis's arse is nice. Anyway, moving on...

Bert: It is, rather, isn't it? Like two eggs in a tight PVC...

Ceefax: ...leather...

Bert: Well, I can dream, can't I? In a tight leather hankey.

And back the tunnels...

Chevner: (To Blake) It's clear.

Bert: (Blake impression) Who's queer? I'm not queer, who said I was queer? I'm manly and butch, look, I'll kiss Jenna. (Random other person impression) That's Vila. (Blake impression again) They changed coats!

They break into the Centre, and purloin a passing guard.

Blake: You have a woman prisoner here called Avalon. Where is she being kept?

Ceefax: They've come for the women!

Bert: Ah, so it's the pickles you're after...

They find Avalon, almost, and a big battle happens. Some Federation guards leap out at them in close formation.

Ceefax: On three, girls! It's like that bit on Space Channel 5 with the tunnel and the aliens...

They actually find Avalon, and Blake gives her his jacket.

Ceefax: (Avalon impression) Can I have some trousers as well, please?

Bert: Nice pile of Liberator guards, there. Liberator guards? Federation guards. Yes, Liberator guards, shooting their own people. (Pause) I would.

Ceefax: That was some half-hearted dying.

Bert: What, by Blake?

Ceefax: No, the guard that just got shot. And very carefully fell over.

Bert: They shot Blake! They can't do that until the end! I know, I've seen clips... (Blake impression) It's alright, they shot me in the spleen...

Ceefax: (Also Blake impression) ...and I've got three spare...

The security robots closes on the trapped rebels...

Bert: (Doing a robot voice) Hug me... Hug me...

Ceefax: Remember, points for damage, control, style and aggression.

Bert: Hug me! Hug me! Hug me!

The robot pisses fire at where the rebels were, having been teleported up in the nick of time.

Bert: I say! That's... quite disgusting.

Ceefax: Isn't it just.

On board...

Avon: What went wrong?

Blake: I was about to ask you that.

Ceefax: (Avon impression) Oh, spank me.

Bert: (Blake impression) Later.

Blake opines that their escape was too easy, and that the Federation guards were cheating by using toy guns, which he demonstrates by shooting a cup off a table.

Bert: (Avon impression) You killed my cup!

Ceefax: (Another Avon impression) That was my favourite cup! What am I going to drink out of now...?

Blake: A nasty kick, that's all.

Ceefax: (Avon impression again) I'll give you a nasty kick, I must avenge my cup!

Avon: It's not standard issue. Low energy bolt discharge.

Ceefax: (Avon) I'm suddenly an expert in weaponry.

Bert: (Avon) No, wait, I'm just reading the label.

Blake: That's it! They must want the Liberator.

Bert: Can you blame them?

Talk turns to possible traitors.

Gan: We are sure that woman is Avalon, aren't we?

Jenna: Well, yes, I've only met her once, but, yes, that's her.

Bert: (Jenna impression) I'm pretty sure she is. She said she was.

Ceefax: (Also a Jenna impression) Look, I got her autograph. Av-A-Lon. See?

Blake: (To Avon and Jenna) You two come with me.

Bert: Avon, mince around a bit. Yes, good mincing. And that was a nice little jog from Jenna... Oooo, they've killed Cally! Quick, airlock, airlock, airlock!

Avon: She's alive.

Bert: Damn!

Meanwhile, the possibly-evil Avalon finds Gan.

Gan: Come and sit down. Here, let me help you.

Bert: (Avalon impression) I do have legs, thank you...

Ceefax: (Gan impression) Are you sure you can remember how to sit down by yourself? You're only a girl, you know.

Bert: (Avalon impression) Stop touching me.

Avalon: Oh, yes, my tunic. There is something I need.

Bert: The tuna...? It's no pets. You can have Vila... He's a bit of a hassle to feed.

In the teleport section...

Gan: Jenna had your tunic in here. She must have left it around somewhere.

Ceefax: Yes, we took it off you in here, and then carried you naked all the way across the ship...

Bert: Aw, bless little helpful Gan.

Avalon, it turns out, is a bit evil, and a fight breaks out.

Bert: Gan want huuuuuug!

The fight is over, and evil Avalon didn't manage to infect the Liberator with the fungusy thing from earlier. It turns out she's a robot, and Avon takes a bit of her head off for a closer look.

Bert: Oh my god...

Ceefax: It's very pretty, if rather silly.

Bert: And it just calmly sits there and lets them poke it around...

Blake asks if Avon can reprogram the Avalon bot.

Avon: No. A few minor functions, perhaps, not much else.

Blake: That's enough.

Ceefax: (Blake impression) Excellent, our own sexbot!

Back with Trav and Servie...

Bert: Is that Mutoid ugly or not?

Ceefax: Which one?

Bert: The tall one.

Ceefax: Yeah, he's quite ugly. And the huge amounts of lipstick don't help.

Travis receives a report from space track control, and a faint air of panic becomes apparant...

Ceefax: That'll be the oh-fuck-the-Liberator's-coming alarm, then.

A mutoid informs Servalan that Blake's arrived and is demanding to see her.

Servalan: He is demanding?

Ceefax: (Pissed off Servalan impression) Right. I'm going to fucking have him...

Showdown in the laboratory.

Blake: Ahh, Travis.

Bert: (Blake impression) How pretty you look...

Blake threatens Travis with the fungusy phial.

Bert: (Blake impression) I've got Uranium, and I'm not afraid to use him. (Not a Blake impression, and singing a bit) Blake has got Travis by the boooooollocks..

Ceefax: (Servalan impression) Travis, sit.

Bert: (Servalan impression also) I'm too pretty to die, and this dress cost too much to get covered in green gunk.

Blake: I'm afraid we've had to reprogram your machine slightly.

Bert: It now does the Cha-cha!

Ceefax: You may also find that she's filled with a number of, shall we say, substances at the moment...

Blake: (To Roboavalon) Open your thumb and forefinger.

Bert: Now, that could be used in a dirty way.

Ceefax: Um-hmmm.

Blake: The robot will crush the phial in response to one of three triggers. A particular word, a specific sound or a certain movement. You had all better be very, very careful about what you say and do.

He teleports up. Travis starts edging forward.

Ceefax: (Servalan impression) Travis, sit! How many times?

Roboavalon drops the phial, and...

Bert: (Travis impression) I caught it, I caught it, I win, I win!

Servalan: Project Avalon has failed totally. There will be a full inquiry. Until that time you are relieved of your command.

Bert: How is it his fault?! (Servalan impression) I'm in charge. Bite me.

Travis: If it takes all my life, I will destroy you, Blake. I will destroy you. I will destroy you.

Bert: I think, maybe, he's going to destroy him.

End credits.

Ceefax: You know, someone should give Travis Blake's mobile number or something, cos he keeps on talking to him when he's not there...

Bert: It would have been funnier if the phial had broken, but the virus had killed itself or something, and they were all like 'Agghhhh, my eyes, my eyes, oh, I'm fine.' (Noticeing the credits) Oh, that's great: 'Mutoid.' Which one?

Ceefax: The one that looked like Glynis Barber.

Bert: Ah hah! Good old Glynis.

Ceefax: She's in series four. I'll point her out when we come to her.