The Mini-Blake's 7 Couch Potatoes.

Series One, Episode Eight.
Duel.

The opening credits play.

Bert: These do change for series two, don't they?

Ceefax: No, they don't.

Bert: Great. And I'm sure the Liberator doesn't throb like that... Ah, Terry Nation. Have you ever seen him? Huge fat guy with slobby cheeks.

Ceefax: You love him really.

Bert: I do, but he's got slobby cheeks.

The camera pans over whatever planet this episode is set on. The Monument comes into view.

Ceefax: Meanwhile, on the planet of polystyrene...

Bert: The polystyrene queen was making an announcement.

Sinofar: Giroc, Giroc, I need you.

Bert: Ooo. She's very cold, poor love. And nice plucked nostrils.

Ceefax: (Sinofar impression) I have static in my hair... And lips, and nose...

Bert: She's like Space Galadriel...

Ceefax: I don't remember Galadriel's nipples being quite so prominant.

Bert: (About Giroc) I'm glad her nipples aren't showing.

Sinofar: One doesn't ask to be chosen.

Bert: And now they're on about Buffy...

In space, three Federation pursuit ships hover, menacingly.

Bert: Those are fucking ugly ships. Oh, look, Travis in leather.

Ceefax: Are we complaining?

Bert: Just about the eye patch. And that's a very very knobbly planet... (He spots a mutoid) Ooo, like the hair. Is it hair or a helmet?

Ceefax: It's a hat of some kind, I think. They're mutoids.

Bert: Ah... Travis is really attractive apart from that bloody eye patch... It looks like a bird's just shat on his head. A very sick bird, by the look of it.

Travis: (About Blake) I'm not going to lose him now.

Bert: (Travis impression) He owes me a shag... And it was my turn to go on top.

Cut to the Liberator.

Bert: Oh, you manky gits... Three epsiodes running and they're still wearing the same outfits.

Ceefax: Jenna wasn't wearing that last time...

Bert: True, she now looks like a chandalier.

A couple of lines of dialogue later...

Bert: It's great, you've got the humanoid dalek as the computer guy, Britt Ekland flying the ship, an elf doing nothing, and your mum's hair...

Ceefax: ...I'm sorry I ever brought that up...

Bert: ...sitting there like Robin Hood.

Ceefax: (Muttering) Pirate outfits...

Bert: Robin Hood!

Ceefax: Pirate!

Bert: Robin Hood!

Ceefax: Pirate!

Bert: Robin Hood Robin Hood Robin Hood! Oh and you've got Gan looking lumpy...

Ceefax: Gan to sit on things if they annoy Blake.

Bert: And Vila just to be there.

Ceefax: 'No, we don't want to fight the Federation...' 'Right, Gan, sit on them!'

Avon: (About Zen) It's just a machine, Blake.

Vila: And he should know.

Bert: Meow! (pause) What the hell have they done to Vila's hair?

Ceefax: Maybe they ironed it.

Bert: It's more... Well, more.

Gan: I could do with a change of air. I'll get kitted up.

Bert: What's Gan getting kitted up for?

Ceefax: Whatever Blake wants.

Bert: Mmm, kinky... Aw, Avon's all upset! Or, trying to act like he's not... (Avon impression) 'I can take the insults.... Nobody loves meeee! They're all against me... Kill them all... Bite Blake's bottom...'

Back on the Federation ship, Travis's mutoid has lunch.

Bert: That's a good place to keep your vibrator.

Mutoid: Opponents of mutoid modification call us vampires.

Bert: Well, you look like it, dear.

Ceefax: A Goth mutoid...

Travis gets a close-up.

Bert: Again, that's really ruined by the hole. You can see his actual eye just behind it...

Ceefax: They had to have that. He kept walking into doors 'cause he had no depth perception. I am now going to briefly desert the sofa to put my apple core in the volcano of bin. I would throw it, but then everything would go horribly wrong.

Ceefax departs, and then returns. On the Liberator, everyone's assembled in the teleport bay.

Bert: So for the next away mission, everyone's got their bracelets, and Jenna's changed her clothes and put some mittens on. And they stand in front of the blue screen...

Blake: Put us down.

Bert: 'Wankers!'

Ceefax: Good grief, it's made of polystyrene...

Bert: (Gan impression) Ooo, lunch! 'No, Gan, you can't eat it..'

Pause. The crew explore somewhat...

Bert: (sings) Robin Hood, Robin Hood...

Ceefax: They're not Robin Hood outfits!

Bert: (sings) ...riding through the polystyrene...

Pause.

Bert: OK then, you sing a pirate song.

Ceefax: ...no.

Bert: Hah! (sings) Robin Hood, Robin Hood... (not singing) Vila falls off the console... (Vila impression) 'What does the big button do?' 'Vila, Jenna's just exploded...' See, the buttons are colour coded to their costumes... And now he's hovering over the green button... 'You've got one chance, Blake...'

Gan: Blake! Jenna!

Bert: 'There's more polysyrene! And it's armed...'

Ceefax: With sticks....

Bert: 'Oh, great stick god of polystyrene...'

Ceefax: 'We offer you this woman as a sacrifice.'

Giroc and Sinofar make an appearance. Or do they...?

Bert: They look really bad in colour. They looked good with all the creepy blue special effects, but now... Oh, it was all just in Gan's head. Things only Gan can see are bad.

Gan: They were here! Two women, watching us.

Bert: 'Women! War! Death! Rumpy-pumpy!'

Ceefax: 'Pointy blue alien nipples!' 'Hush, Gan...'

Gan: I hope my limiter hasn't malfunctioned.

Ceefax: Great, Gan's brain's broken.

Bert: I'm sorry, but what's Cally doing right now? Everyone else seems to have a purpose, except for Avon, who's sulking...

Ceefax: Cally's probably making the tea, seeing as Gan's down on the planet.

Bert: Or she's just sitting on the bridge, staring blankly... (Cally impression) 'The buttons do shine. But they have no meaning.'

Ceefax: (Still Cally impression) 'My people have a saying about that...'

Bert: That's what I'd like to see, a Cally/Guinen deathmatch.

Blake spots some pursuit ships, and alerts Vila, who teleports them up rather hastily.

Bert: (Blake impression) 'Yes, thank you, Vila, I now appear to have her breasts. They're very nice, but... Then again, no hurry...'

(Close-up of Sinofar)

Ceefax: Speaking of breasts...

Bert: Bloody hell!

Back on the Liberator, the alarms are ringing, and the crew is dashing hither and thither.

Bert: Quick, everyone find a console before the alarm stops! Such a fun game.

Ceefax: Avon hastily ponces like a maniac...

There is a brief tactical discussion, culminating in the conclusion that...

Cally: There isn't enough power!

Bert: 'Who are you? Cally, I remember you, we picked you up on that planet, didn't we?'

Zen: Sensors report plasma bolt launched.

Bert: Ooo, bugger.

The main screen shows the plasma blot streaking towards the helpless Liberator...

Bert: Oh, how pretty!

There is some heated discussion over whether the force wall should be activated.

Avon: They're closing fast, Blake. (Pause) Come on!

Bert: 'Get off your arse, you pouf!'

The plasma bolt hits, and the crew do the Star Trek Shuffle.

Bert: Cally moved a second before the rest of them did. 'Wheee!' 'It hasn't hit yet, Cally...' 'I'm practising!'

Ceefax: Obviously her alien physiology is much more highly attuned to the shaking of the ship.

The second bolt hits.

Ceefax: She was more on time, then.

Bert: Avon was a bit early, though.

Ceefax: Damn that premature wobbling.

Bert: OK, the woman playing Jenna, she looked as if she actually hurt herself that time.

Ceefax: 'Ow, I landed on the desk lamp! I mean steering column...'

Vila: I don't mind rough. It's fatal I'm not too keen on.

Bert: I suspected he might... Like it rough, that is.

On one of the pursuit ships, Travis is having shooty fun.

Bert: That's a very dim-looking mutoid. (Mutoid impression) 'Can't see own forehead...'

Ceefax: They must have scraped out his brain a bit too thoroughly.

Bert: Is that what they do, then?

Ceefax: Yep.

Bert: Oo, nice. So are they human or not?

Ceefax: Yeah, they are human. They've just had their brains wiped, and been changed to be all efficient and shit.

Bert: Fair enough.

Ceefax: It's like a punishment - if you're a bad person you get made into a mutoid.

Bert: So why wasn't Blake made into one?

Ceefax: They wanted to make an example of him, 'cause he was a great leader of men.

Bert: Great example, for people who couldn't even remember what day of the week it was... Why not just wipe out all the memories of Blake, kill Blake and be done with it? No series, but...

Ceefax: 'The seven without Blake. Because Blake didn't really do much. Well, he did, but then eveyone wiped everyone's memories...' bit of a long title, that.

Blake's having a quick stategy meeting, while the Feds do their best to blow them out of the sky. This involves a diagram and a light pen.

Ceefax: Spot the ball! You know things are bad when your leader starts drawing diagrams. They must have had so much fun with all these gadgets when they first arrived... 'Hey, guys, this is brilliant, there's a thing you can draw on the screen with!' (Mimes writing) Avon is a wanker... (Avon impression) 'Who wrote this!?'

Bert: (Also Avon impression) 'They will die!'

Ceefax: (Still Avon impression) 'I will kill you all...' (Mimes writing again) Avon is a crazy wanker...

The strategy meeting ends with Blake deciding to ram one of the two remaining pursuit ships.

Bert: Nice how he consults the entire crew about this...

Ceefax: Shh, watch this bit...

Blake and Avon hug, as a result of a particularly violent lurch.

Bert: 'Oh, darling!'

Ceefax: Aww...

Bert: He really didn't want to let go there, did he?

Ceefax: They love each other really...

Bert: And what a disturbing couple they make... I bet Avon's bi, 'cause the look he was giving Jenna just then... I think he'll just go with anything. Be it man, woman, or PC.

Another lurch...

Bert: Look, look at Jenna woman! I swear she actually hurt herself there.

Ceefax: Maybe she's just acting a bit...

Bert: Well, honestly.

Ceefax: What? It's possible...

Back on the Federation ship...

Bert: (About Travis) I love his ring... Does it actually serve a purpose?

Ceefax: Well, yeah, he's got a gun built into it.

Bert: Oh yeah... Was that his little poufy gun?

Ceefax: No, his little poufy gun was his actual gun gun, this is the gun he's got built into his hand, and the ring's the trigger.

Mutoid: Time Distort Three and rising. Course zero-zero-zero -- they're coming straight at us.

Ceefax: I can say 'zero zero zero' in Klingon.

Bert: Go on, then.

Ceefax: Pagh pagh pagh...

Bert: Hmm. I can say things in Klingon, but... I just don't bother to any more.

Ceefax: yopwaH! (Transcribers note: That's 'pants' in Klingon)

Bert: bortaS blr jablu'Dl'reH QaQqu' nay'! (Revenge is a dish best served cold) We should put up a little Klingon phrase book or something... 'How to say "Where do you keep the chocolate": "nuqDaq yuch Dapol!" ' The problem with Klingon is it all sounds threatening, no matter what you say...

Just as everyone's on the verge of killing everyone else, wierdness kicks in, and time slows down.

Bert: (About Travis, caught in mid-yell) He looks like he's about to burst into song...

Ceefax: It reminds me of that Red Dwarf episode where they had the bit that you could walk into and time would go really slowly...

Bert: Yeah. That one was cool.

The pursuit ship and the Liberator rub noses.

Bert: That's very symbolic... 'As the two great ships come together...'

Ceefax: 'To make little shuttlecraft...'

Bert: Ah, the joyful union of two ships in love. Nice close up on the bits of the Liberator there.

Travis and Blake grab some head.

Ceefax: (Doing an impression, but it could be of either...) Ah, my head is so heavy...

Bert is somewhat taken aback by the closeup of Blake expressing shock and surprise.

Bert: Wugh! That's nasty! That's not pleasant! Wuuuugh! Nooo! Scary Blake!

Ceefax: Nipple woman has stolen them...

Giroc gives Blake and Travis the hungry eye...

Bert: What's she planning on doing with that stick, that's what I want to know.

Sinofar begins explaining things, beaming her voice onto the two ships as well.

Bert: (Avon impression) There are voices in my head... I've gone mad... It's finally happened...

There is a brief rendition of Queen's 'I'm going slightly mad'.

Ceefax: I am Freddy Mercury!

Bert: You're very alive for Freddy Mercury... I've caught him on Pocket Bishonen.

Ceefax: Cool. I think I have, too, but I can't really remember.

Bert: (About Giroc and Sinofar) I keep thinking their eyes should do the Sapphire and Steel glowy thing.

The warriors are released, and Travis promptly attempts to shoot Blake.

Bert: (Travis impression) 'Hah! Look at my ring I found in a cracker!'

Sinofar: I am Sinofar, the Guardian. This is Giroc, the Keeper.

Ceefax: But that means exactly the same thing...

Bert: Well... She guards it, and she keeps it. And she's been kept for a while by the look of it.

Travis makes a lunge for Blake. Not entirely successfully.

Bert: Ooo, scratch his eyeballs out!

Ceefax: Look out for Travis, he's a hair puller...

Travis: You do realize that any hostile act against me will be regarded as a hostile act against the Federation. Have you any idea of the risk you're running?

Ceefax: Must be difficult being threatening when you're being laughed at by a tiny old woman...

Bert: ...with a big stick. Ah well, Blake's enjoying himself. (About Sinofar) She's got a very small nose...

Sinofar: Our powers grew out of a thousand years of war, out of hate, and fear and the will to survive.

Bert: Oh god... There are the ones who say 'oh, my people have a saying...' and then you get the ones: 'ah, my people have an ancient thing where we've learnt all this shit and then we totally destroyed ourselves and it all went tits up and...' (Spotting Giroc on the Liberator's screen) Bloody hell, it's the Time Prophet... Not the cool one, the scary dumpy one who sat on top of the thing all the time and whinged and shouted at people... If I was Kai, I'd have slapped her. 'You will die...' 'Oh, well thanks.' whack...

Sinofar: It wasn't a victory, only the end of the war.

Bert: 'And then the truffles began...'

Sinofar: We were left with a planet made barren by radiation. Our children were monsters...

Ceefax: As opposed to normal children...?

Bert: Yes, dear, we know you don't like children. The whole world knows that.

Giroc: We are a dead race.

Bert: 'We are the Brunnen G...'

Sinofar: We tell you this so that you will understand our reasons for intervening in your dispute.

Bert: (Sinofar impression) We are nosy bastards, and don't have anything better to do with our time...

Blake briefly sums up his role on the show...

Bert: He kinda ruined it at the end, there. 'I will destroy the Federation! Er... if I can. I'm free next Tuesday...'

Blake: There are six of us.

Ceefax: Not counting the computer of course...

Blake is projected onto the Liberator's screen via groovy guardian-vision...

Bert: I don't like it!

Ceefax: Disco Blake!

There is a brief (and confusing) Farscape sidetrack (involving Zahn and two-headed budgies).

Ceefax: ...and back to Blake's 7...

Bert: Oh yeah... I remember that.

Sinofar: You both know how to kill. But here you must take a life.

Bert: Ok, I'll take the old woman's.

Sinofar makes some machetes.

Ceefax: They must destroy one another, using only the swords from Asterix...

Sinofar: There is no limit - except your physical endurance.

Bert: About two minutes, then.

On the Liberator, we get some reaction shots.

Bert: Wasn't that Gan a minute ago...? Gan's turned into Cally!

Ceefax: That's probably not good... It's like those teddy bears that you can turn inside out and get another one. Inside every Gan there is a Cally trying to get out...

Bert: Just the one?

Fed up of talking, Sinofar transports all the participants to their places.

Bert: (Blake impression) 'Ooo, a tree... Hello, my pet...' (not Blake impression) I have the feeling I know this episode... I remember watching some Blake's 7 on UK Gold when I was just flicking randomly. They were in this wood, it was all wet and horrible, there were two people in leather, one had an eye patch, and they were traipsing around looking very disgruntled...

Ceefax: Yeah, that's probably this episode.

Bert: Wow, Bert's knowledge of Blake's 7 comes through...

Giroc stalks Blake. Increasingly disturbing impressions of horny old women happen. She then makes everything go wierd to confuse him.

Ceefax: 'Hah! That's what you get for ignoring me!'

Bert: Ugh, it messes with your head! I bet they got sued for all the epileptic fits they caused with this. Blake is Porygon!

Ceefax: Travis appears, clutching his large weapon... and minces over to Blake.

To Giroc's great delight, Travis tries to kill Blake while he's still all confused from the Porygon attack.

Bert: Don't pull his hair!

Ceefax: See? I told you he was a hair puller.

But before Travis can finish him off, Sinofar resets the game.

Sinofar: (to Giroc) You misuse the power.

Bert: (Sinofar impression) 'Now go to your room.'

Back in the woods, Blake is released from Travis' savage clutches.

Bert: 'Typical man... Have your way then leave! ...I'm keeping the jewelry!' Nice butt shot of Blake, there.

Ceefax: Yep. Tunic ruined it a bit.

Bert: With nothing better to do, Blake frolics through the woods... And Avon just glares at the screen. Ah... he wants to be down there with Blake, skipping along merrily among the undergrowth and shrubs and...

Ceefax: 'Only if you will come on a camping holiday with me.'

Bert: 'He asked me, he asked me!'

(That's from Monty Python. It's a very funny sketch, you should try and find it sometime.)

On the Liberator, the crew are all gathered around the viewscreen watching Blake's exploits.

Avon: I don't understand it. How can we be seeing this?

Ceefax: You look at the screen. With your eyes.

Gan: It doesn't matter. Blake's in trouble.

Bert: Ruuugghhhh!

Cally: It is happening. It is the truth beyond question.

Bert: Oh dear. Cally's getting all... Useful.

On the planet, Blake runs into Jenna. She's been teleported down to demonstrate the death of a friend.

Bert: She blends in well, doesn't she? I mean, Blake, he's all nice and camoflaged, but Jenna... well, if she stands against a large wobbly pink tree, she'll be fine. Hey, that tree from Time Bandits that they got kicked out of heaven for!

Ceefax: On the planet of the trifles, she will do well.

Jenna: (To Blake, explaining how she knows what's going on) They beamed it into the ship's main screen.

Ceefax: (Blake impression) Damn, shouldn't have had that wank.

Bert: Jenna looks ready to burp or fart, I'm not sure which... but there's definitely gas build-up.

Blake: We'd better make ourselves some weapons.

Bert: (Blake impression) I saw a badger go by. We'll use that.

Blake sharpens some sticks in lieu of badgers.

Ceefax: Fantastic. If they come across any vampires, they'll be sorted. Mind you, there's mutoids around, so they'll probably be quite useful.

Bert: Harpoon them through the head!

Meanwhile, in Travis' clearing...

Travis: (To his pet mutoid) Anything?

Bert: Just this big blue screen...

Ceefax: They must've forgotten to film this bit while they were in the woods.

Back at Blake's clearing.

Ceefax: That's not a very well-sharpened stick.

Bert: It really isn't. Still, at least Jenna got the good one. (pause) Which she's given to Blake... That's right, give the good weapon to Blake...

Ceefax: And he's got the knife, as well...

Cut back to Travis...

Ceefax: (As he rummages amongst the underbrush) No, Blake isn't under that tiny shrub...

Bert: 'He's under that leaf! I want every leaf in this forest turned over...' They find a small hermit under the bush...

Ceefax: 'Those are my juniper bushes!'

And back to the Liberator.

Gan: He seems to be working to a plan.

Bert: It's a good job they've got Gan there.

Vila speculates that Zen is not responding because he doesn't want to get involved.

Ceefax: Zen - the Switzerland of computers.

On the planet, there is a...

Ceefax: ...beeeeg moon...

...and many wierd animal noises.

Bert: Is that a mutoid having an orgasm?

Ceefax: I have no experience in this area, and am therefore powerless to assist you.

More howling.

Ceefax: Ah, my children of the night... Shut up, you bloody mutoid!

Blake doesn't seem too happy about the howling, either.

Blake: Let's hope those things can't climb trees.

Bert: They are the trees! Again, Blake blending in quite nicely, and Jenna...

Ceefax: ...standing out like a big fluffy trifle. I'm sorry to keep going on about trifles, but she really does remind me of one.

Bert: I like trifle.

Ceefax: I don't like trifle. It's fine without the... we've had this conversation before... How the hell did trifle come up last time?

Bert: It was something in Blake's 7... 'cause something happened, and... Yes! When they first met the Liberator! The great lightbulb-trifle alliance!

Ceefax: Ah, yes... God, we talk some shit, don't we?

The crew of the good ship Liberator sit around and watch Blake and Jenna have a chat in a tree.

Bert: Great, it's like the Big Brother of Blake's 7. It's so fucking boring, you have to watch them sleeping and everything. On digital, you watch what's happening now, what happened two hours ago, and what's happening two hours in the future. Or what might happen in an alternate reality.

Ceefax: Wow.

Travis: (To his mutoid) Tell me something...

Bert: '...are they real?'

Mutoid: Memory is an encumbrance. All trace of it is removed and with it all trace of identity.

Bert: So, they can't remember anything? That must get a bit annoying... 'Where am I? Who are you? Where am I? Who are you?'

Ceefax: 'Shut up! Fecking mutoids...'

Bert: 'Who are you? Why am I talking? What is talking? What are words?'

Ceefax: 'I wonder if it'll be friends with me...?'

Travis' attempts to chat up the mutoid fail dismally.

Bert: Aw, bless Travis... All he wanted was some rumpy-pumpy, but she's not interested...

Back at Blake and Jenna's tree, there are some more strange alien creature noises...

Bert: Someone's trying to start their car.

Ceefax: No, I think it's Jenna's stomach. That gas is finally moving.

Blake is attacked by a ferocious alien monster.

Bert: What the fuck...?!

Ceefax: I think it's a... rubber bat.

Bert: It's a flying pineapple!

Blake: No, it's all right, it was my fault. We should have both stayed awake.

Bert: In the morning... 'Hah, Blake, we caught you!' 'ZZzzzZzzz...' 'Fight like a man!' 'ZZZZZZzzzzzzzZZ...'

On the Liberator...

Avon: Blake is sitting up in a tree, Travis is sitting up in another tree. Unless they're planning to throw nuts at one another, I don't see much of a fight developing before it gets light.

Bert: Whose nuts?

Ceefax: Whatever's available... Travis' could be quite badly damaged, judging from the rest of him.

Bert: Oh, I bet they're intact.

Ceefax: Still, they could always make some fake ones...

Bert: Big, black, pendulous ones. Heavy, of course.

Ceefax: Naturally.

Cally: (to Vila) You missed something.

Bert: (Cally impression) But I don't know... I'm not aware of your spacial-time reality... I'm Cally... Wooooo... I need to eat more.

Ceefax: Or, indeed, at all.

In the morning, Blake and Jenna dismount from the tree.

Bert: Note how the big, butch man just jumped out the tree, but the girl needs to use the creepy viney thing...

At Travis' tree, the mutoid's appitites are cause for some concern.

Ceefax: (Mutoid impression) 'Mmmmm, lovely tasty commanding officer...'

Bert: Not too long ago he was quite interested in her sucking something...

Mutoid: My function will be impaired if I don't get further serum soon.

Bert: She could have a suck on Jenna.

Ceefax: Should up the ratings a bit.

Bert: But how many calories are in one Jenna? I mean, Gan, you're talking a four course meal, but Jenna... She'd make a nice starter.

Travis' ingenious plan comes to light - lots of pointy sticks.

Bert: Yes, 'cause they won't see that...

Vila: Is that what I think it is?

Ceefax: What, a cheese grater? No, it's a bit elaborate for that...

Bert: Cool... A big space-age cheese grater...

Ceefax: For grating huuuuuge bits of cheese...

Bert: Space cheese!

Cally: He's quartering the area. That is the correct search pattern.

Bert: Cally, go away...

Ceefax: Oh, you love her really...

Bert: I hate Cally, she's fucking useless. Do you like Cally?

Ceefax: No. She's not too bad. She gets better, I seem to remember her being less annoying than she is at the moment.

Bert: She's just so waify.

Travis: Don't touch Blake. He belongs to me.

Bert: He's mah bitch!

Ceefax: Awww! Travis loooves Blake, Travis loooooves Blake...

Bert: Ooo, they've all got their pointed sticks... Am I right in predicting a deathmatch between Jenna and her pointed stick, and the mutoid and her pointed stick?

Ceefax: You're implying a bit too much about the mutoid there, I think. I haven't seen that much of her, so I can't really judge.

Bert: Do you get a lot of mutoids?

Ceefax: Yeah.

Bert: That's good. More Servalan, soon?

Ceefax: Yes. Servalan is fairly consistant in her showing-upness.

Bert: Yey! I like Servalan.

Ceefax: You'll like some of Servalan's later costumes. They get fairly... elaborate, shall we say.

Bert: I've seen pictures. Amidala, move over. And, again, Jenna's camoflage skills serve great purpose.

Ceefax: (Jenna impression) I'll lean against this tree, that'll help.

Bert: Her stick appears to be blunted.

Ceefax: She must've been using it for something.

Bert: Mmm, barky...

Ceefax: (Jenna impression) Ooo, I got a splinter... Blake, get it out!

Jenna is kidnapped by the evil kung-fu fighting mutoid.

Blake: Jenna! There's some smoke over there. Jenna?

Bert: (Blake impression) They've got a bong!

Blake hastily scrambles down the tree...

Bert: Why, what handy footholds...

Ceefax: They almost look as if they'd been carved beforehand to prevent him falling on his arse.

Bert: How nice of the BBC to go and carve into big trees.

Ceefax: Well, the mossy ones can be tricky, you slip on them well easy.

Bert: That's not the concern here. Find a non-mossy one.

Ceefax: They all look quite mossy.

Bert: That one's not.

Ceefax: Yes it is, it's covered in moss and lichen and whatever the fuck that green stuff is, I don't know...

The mutoid closes in on Jenna...

Bert: Oooo, she's going for a suck...

Ceefax: (Jenna impression) Not the hair!

Travis: No!

Ceefax and Bert: Bad mutoid!

Bert: (Mutoid impression) Fine, I'll go and suck a tree, then.

Travis: Blake! Blake, can you hear me?

Bert: Damn, Jenna's sounding rough.

Travis: Hear me Blake, I have your friend.

Bert: (Travis impression) No, not Gan... No, not Avon. And not Vila... No, I'm Travis...

Blake approaches the bound and gagged Jenna, knife in hand...

Bert: Chop her legs off!

The Mutoid's rope cutting abilities are mocked. Blake and Travis square off to fight with big sticks.

Bert: Cue the Kirk - Spock music... Travis just sissy-kicked him!

The crew, watching on the Liberator, are (almost) all of the opinion that Blake should kill Travis.

Ceefax: The reception's shit, isn't it?

Bert: Yeah... They need to tune the old woman in.

As Blake was a good boy, and played nicely, Sinofar and Giroc (well, Sinofar mainly) are going to let him go.

Bert: (David Attenborough impression) Ah, the mating ritual done, the ships slowly part...

Gan: (About Sinofar) What was she like?

Blake: Of course. You never saw her.

Ceefax: Yes he did, he saw her on the planet.

Blake: She was, uh, she was very beautiful, wasn't she, Jenna?

Jenna: Yes. Very.

Bert: (Jenna impression) Fucking men...

Back on the planet, Giroc and Sinofar are playing with their new pet.

Giroc: It is good to see a man like Travis again after so long.

Ceefax: (Giroc impression) I just wish he'd take his trousers off...

But they let him go too. And back on the pursuit ship...

Travis: Follow Blake's course.

Ceefax: 'And take your top off, for god's sake...'

Bert: Travis or the mutoid?

Ceefax: Oh, I'm not fussy...

Bert: That wasn't a bad episode, actually. On the planet of mad pixies and raunchy old women, fun can be had. But where did the wood come from? First they were on a huge polystyrene wasteland, and then...

Ceefax: Maybe they sent them to another planet with woods on. There was the huge moon in the sky, there, that you didn't get on the polystyrene planet.

Bert: And there were the small rubber bats.

Ceefax: The small rubber bats were quite... crappy.

Bert: When you first saw it, it looked like a big orange thing with wings. Like a big pineapple. Or a pumpkin, maybe. 'Cause pumpkins are orange, you see. With wings on.

Ceefax: Vampire bats and vampire mutoids... and wooden stakes as well.

Bert: And vampire pumpkins.

Ceefax: Yes, dear, lots of vampire pumpkins.

Bert: They were real...