Ceefax: Yep. Absolutely. Back then, men were real men. Women were real women. And small furry creatures they pick up at K7 were real small furry creatures they picked up at K7. I would prefer to be a bloke, though.

Bert: The cool thing is all the cheeseyness. I want to do what Spock does so I can piss about with the periscope thing. The one thing I wouldn't be is a security officer... the red ones have a life expectancy of one episode.

Ceefax: I bet that periscope thing gives you a terrible crick in your neck. And all the planets are made of polystyrene.

Bert: Yeah, but it was pretty polystyrene. I used to love it when they had a shot of the Enterprise going past one. It looked so bad it was somehow believable. Another pretty thing was Klingon and Romulan ships de-cloaking... they went all wobbly and then appeared.. it was cool.

Ceefax: (bg) So, we're agreed it's a yes?

Bert: Yup, indeedy.

Ceefax: I say yes. Yes, I think so. Before the whole war thang, anyway. I always did want to meet a Pak'Ma'Ra. And to set fire to a Centauri's hairdo. A male Centauri, that is.

Bert: It would be cool. I want to be in the Psy-corps. They wear cool gloves and I can drool over Bester and ickle Harriman Grey....slurp. Well either that or a Narn, I really like their eyes.

Ceefax: Problem is the humans run everything... Maybe we should be First Ones.

Bert: Ooooh!!!! I want to be a Shadow. I can lurk about in jump gates scaring people, with my cool black ship thingy!!!!

Ceefax: Ah, but the Shadows still needed wickle tiny telepaths to run their ships... I'm gonna be a Vorlon, their ships were all shimmery.

Bert: I wouldn't mind being a Narn. They were all green and spotty and G'Kar had a dirty laugh. I wouldn't be a Minbari on the sole basis that they were all sooooooooooo crap, except for Lenir cause he was ickle and cute.

Ceefax: That one's a yes too, yes?

Bert: Yep... mmmmm... Harriman... Sorry, shall we continue?

Ceefax: I say no. On account of the evil oppressing people everywhere.

Bert: I wouldn't know. My knowledge of Blake's 7 includes a couple of character names and the end of the whole thing. I like the ship though.

Ceefax: No. It might work, and if the moon hadn't been shot off into space, I'd consider it, but I don't want to be shut up in Moonbase Alpha with that lot.

Bert: Totally. Where else will you get a doctor who claims she can't leave her patient and then runs out of the room.

Ceefax: She had pants hair. And they made you go out onto the moon's surface in motorbike helmets. I don't think they'd be airtight...

Bert: But then again, this is a woman who only made it onto the show because her husband said so.

Ceefax: Hmm... Or was it the other way around...

Ceefax: I say: NOOOooooOOOO! Hanging around in beige rooms, listening to classical music, or wasting the holodecks on reenacting classic novels. All while working for the bettering of humanity. Humanity sucks. Life to the Romulan Star Empire!

Bert: NO! Glory to the Klingon empire!!!! We shall conquer the weak!!!! KA'PLAH!!!!!

Ceefax: Hah! As IF! The Romulans would kick the Klingons' arses by being very sarcastic at them until they imploded with big hairy Klingon anger.

Bert: Yah, right! Keep dreaming ear girl. We'll just sweep in, steal your shoulder pads and high tail it out of there leaving you all powerless.

Ceefax: Shoulder pads? You can damn well talk, with all your smelly leather armour, you wrinkly headed barbarians.

Bert: Hey, we're proud of our cornish pasties!!! We earned them over the years of just having big eye brows!!! We should team up and beat up the Federation, it's all their fault!!!! DOWN WITH THE FEDERATION!!!!!!

Ceefax: Haven't seen much of it recently, but the aliens didn't seem like a major threat, so I'll say yes.

Bert: No way! Never! Not in this lifetime!!! The acting was crap, the affects were tacky, the theme sucked and all the women had purple hair. If that's the future then kill me now!... Only don't 'cause it would hurt and I would cry...

Ceefax: I quite liked the theme tune...

Ceefax: Oh, I really don't think so. Let's ignore Teal'c's eyeshadow for a minute, and think about the less obvious bad points. They have this wonderful alien machine that lets them access a hundred thousand different planets, and who has control over it? The US military. Bad idea. Also, big evil soul-sucking things try to kill you. And I don't care if they do have Jackson's wife and O'Neil's son substitute. They should have kept a better eye on them in the first place.

Bert: Very pretty, but not for the likes of us. Besides we'd only be extras who get eaten by something big and scary...i.e. Teal'c.

Ceefax: Mmm. Either that or they'd stick worms in us. And I've completely lost the plot with the whole Goa'uld thang.

Bert: (shocked gasp) THERE WAS A PLOT?!?!?!?!

Ceefax: Hell, yes! I'd be a Gallifreyan Presidential Guard, they get to wear yellow wellies.

Bert: Yeah, but Gallifrey sucks. It's populated by a bunch of tossers. I'd be a companion, but a cool one. I could slap people like Mel.

Ceefax: The doctor'd stop you. He's too nice to allow companion abuse.

Bert: Well, that's where the whole post regeneration amnesia comes in. You see, I wait 'till he regenerates and then whilst he is all confused I do away with the annoying companion, and then when the doc comes round I claim total innocence, and as he is so nice he'll believe me and interfere with some aliens who he thinks are to blame.

Ceefax: Ooo, you sneaky thing, you!

Ceefax: Yep. But I'd defect to the Dominion, they're much more interesting.

Bert: I'd probably be a galactic hooker. Sorry, but it's a major dream of mine to shag most of the species from Trek, with Trills being top priority. So in this instance, yes the Dominion will be good, because they have a good range of nookie. And yes, I know I have taken this serious and topical debate and turned it to a sordid plan where I get off with tons of fit, young, virile aliens (this dis-includes all the crunchy ones, i.e. Nausicans... oh, and humans... they're sometimes cute... but booooring).

Ceefax: I'd have to agree with you on principle, although the Vorta are tastier than all of the federation's tasty speices put together. Including Vulcans. And Romulans.

Ceefax: Oh, okay. Although Marina may have to go. Poor Atlanta... She's too good for Troy, the insensitive git.

Bert: Yes, but only if I get to drive the sub... Oh, and kill Marina.

Ceefax: We don't like Marina much, do we? Did you used to fancy Troy? Cos I... didn't. Yes, that's right, I didn't fancy Troy Tempest at all...

Bert: Ah, I'm afraid that my young gay heart was stolen by only one Anderson puppet. Captain Scarlet... Swoon...

Ceefax: Probably not, on reflection. Ulysses did have a very pretty ship, but if sci-fi versions of Greek gods are going to hang around sending all the cool people into comas and leaving only annoying children, I honestly don't think it's worth it. Oh, and they try to kill you all the time.

Bert: No way in hell. Like you said, there are only small children and angry gods. Besides, the whole Greek thing would get sooooo piss annoying.

Ceefax: It's great to agree, ain't it?

Ceefax: No. Too many children and Americans. And evil space aliens trying to blast the crap out of you, even if they were very very cool...

Bert: No way in hell. For one, like you said, it's way too American, but the main reason is this (deep breath)... you start off with a mission to find your way back to a legendary planet called Earth that your ancestors left centuries ago. On the way you pick up stragglers who just happen to be going to the same place you are. Add to this a group of total cyberman rip offs and you're looking to have a bad life. Even worse, when the second series comes you'll be replaced by an older actor who is supposed to be your older self... and that brown furry robot thing always gave me the creeps.

Ceefax: Muffet the Daggit. Not that I watch it, of course...

Bert: Of course not... (pats Ceefax gently on the shoulder...)

Bert: Well... You're stuck on a ship in the middle of unexplored space, miles from home... mmmmm... YES!! YES!!! OH GOD YES!!!! I would sooo live on Voyager. Though it does appear that I'm probably one of the very few who actually would. Though if I did I would have to make some crew cuts (Kim, Paris, Chakotay,) the rest can stay... we can make Neelix into the ship's new figurehead. (thanks H-Pet!!)

Ceefax: Really? You wouldn't just want to explode the warp core after five minutes? I think I would. I couldn't live on Voyager because of a) Janeway's voice. Not that I have anything against her actual voice, cos bless her crazy hair, she can't help it, but she sounds like a headmistress. Which is baaaaddd... b) Spreading truth, justice and the Federation way through the delta quadrant. c) Neelix. d) Seven of Nine. e) Naomi Wildman, or Wesley V3.1 to her friends. f) Paris and Kim (It's not them I object to, as such, just the fact that they don't have characters). g) The plots... the horrible horrible plots...

Bert: OK, I agree about the whole spreading the Fedaration's word thing. My plan would be to overthrow Janeway and actually get the damn thing home, and not diverting to every nebula in the qudrant just to see if it has anything interesting they can swipe.

Ceefax: Good plan! No more coffee hunting/Kazon pissing-off trips! It would also be a good idea if you got them to stop sticking their big fat noses into every single culture they come across. Fair enough, Kirk did that too, but it's not as if Janeway's even getting off with young, pretty, impressionable aliens.

Bert: But you can tell she's gagging for it...

Ceefax: Mrrgggghhh... Mental picture... Images of horny Janeway... Must scrape brain clean...

Ceefax: Yes. But I wouldn't piss off the Peacekeepers. I think I'd like to be one of those firebreathing guys, they were cool. And you'd win any arguments.

Bert: Mmmmm... let me think... carry on with my pitiful real life or spend the rest of my days gazing at Crichton's cute butt... SIGN ME UP!!!!

Ceefax: He does look rather nice in the leather, doesn't he? In fact, now I come to think about it, Farscape's just filled with pretty people... I wouldn't mind stroking Pilot's big blue hood either...

Bert: You dirty minx! I want my own leviathan called Bob.

Ceefax: Oooo, I want a leviathan too! Hey, we could breed them!

Bert: AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ickle tiny baby leviathans!!!!!!! They'll be sooooo cute!!!! We can teach then to star burst and get all worried when they stay out too late with their first pilots!!! AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!!

Ceefax: Yes. Want a big pretty Thunderbird. Although the likelihood is that I wouldn't get near Tracey Island before they shot me down...

Bert: I think I'd be up on no 5. You don't have to do anything up there. I could just do naughty things with whichever brother is around... Again I have turned this into a purve fest.

Ceefax: S'okay, mate, I'd be doing much the same thing down on Tracy Island...

Bert: AGH!!! The paintings! The scary paintings!!!! The eyyyyyeeeeessssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

Bert: Yes, but I would have a section of the the ship that is mine, and no-one else can go near it or else I'll bite them... unless something cool happens then they have to come to tell me.

Ceefax: Ya just know they wouldn't. And trying to get the cat to understand the concept of 'other people's territory' might be a bit of an uphill struggle.

Bert: We'll just have to piss on everything till he gets the point...

Ceefax: No way! Everyone's all plaguey and icky.

Bert: Crusade... crusade... er... Oh the shit B5 rip off? Nah, me thinks not.

Ceefax: It wasn't THAT shit. Compared to... erm... Voyager, maybe. The first officer bloke was cute. And Captain Gideon was doable.

Bert: Well... er... yeah you're right. One dishy first officer to go!!!!!

Ceefax: Again, too many Americans. And robots.

Bert: Nope. I agree. It's all too wholesome and cleancut. Bedsides it rarely kept my attention long enough to watch a whole episdode.

Ceefax: Me either... Actually, now I come to think about it, I don't remember much about it at all... Just a vague field of all-encompassing annoyance...

Bert: At least the theme tune was kinda good.

Ceefax: Yeah, okay. I'd just avoid the cops. And I think I'd like to be a Tarn.

Bert: That would be soooo cool. We could take the piss out of Kreons by calling them bikes.

Ceefax: Cool! Grab 'em by the eyes! I used to do that to my cat. 'Cept by the ears instead of the eyes.

Bert: You used your cat as a motorbike... It all starts to make sense...

Ceefax: Oh, no. The war's far too warlike for me, thanks. I'll leave that one for the marines.

Bert: Well, you leave the war to them, and I'll just have 'em. Some of them were hunky!! Only not many in the main cast 'cause they were all whingy and didn't see the chance for a free shag when they saw it (not that I condone that sort of thing, but in a war I could make the exception).

Ceefax: Yes, but there's big slimy aliens trying to kill you all the time...

Bert: .......well if you're going to linger on the small details like "oh no I'm being blown up!!" then I really think we should move on, don't you!?

Bert: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz........ (slap!) What? Did something happen?!!?!

Ceefax: (Cracks knuckles) Were you just NASTY about Quantum Leap?

Bert: Yes I was!!!! Ok, I confess that on the whole it was cool, but you got way too many episodes which followed the same, boring standard plot. It was more fun when he was an animal or a woman. At least then the show offered a vague sense of variety. For example the episode where Al and Sam swapped places was cool 'cause it added a whole new perspective, but then it's followed by another boring arse episode where Sam has to stop a man leaving his wife. The best idea they had was in the later stuff, with the other leapers. Which again offered some much needed variety. Though I will maintain that "oh boy" has become one of the most piss annoying phrases on the planet (ok, I know it was Sam's trade mark line, but after the 50th time you just want to shove twiggy or whatever the damn computer was called so far up his arse, he's getting data feeds through his left nostril). Kick-ass theme tune though... your go...

Ceefax: About the sameiness, which I do agree with you to some extent on, there were perhaps a few too many relationship reconciliation episodes, but then it did handle sentiment better that many little American daytime shows. The thing that annoyed me was all the stuff in the last series where they had him leaping into celebrities every other episode in an attempt to liven things up.

Moving on, unless you've got anything else to add...

Bert: Not a quantum sausage I'm afraid.

Bert: Mmmmmm... Lexx, the forbidden fruit of sci-fi. Never actually seen any of it, I've just seen pics and read reviews. Pity 'cause it looks and sounds ultra cool.

Ceefax: I've seen some of it, courtesy of me bloke. It's very funny, although I definitely wouldn't wanna live there. Not even for Kai (pretty fly for a dead guy). For one thing, the Lexx is a bit too organic for comfort. The showers are especially trauma inducing.

Bert: 'Me bloke?!?!!?' You refer to a reputable computer working person as 'me bloke?!?!?!?'

Ceefax: Er... yeah.

Ceefax: Haven't seen any. Over to you...

Bert: From what I've seen, it's cool. You get to watch films with mad robots and get chased by a mad fat bird in a camper van.

Ceefax: Sounds fairly liveable in. Continuing with the 'I haven't seen it' category...

Bert: Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... (drools all over keyboard) ...mmmmmmmmmmmmmm... Solaris... pretty ship... condor... gold... mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm... So, yes, I think that's a 'yes' from the Berty Party.

Ceefax: I say yes. Okay, so evil big conspiracy guys stick implants in people and sell the Earth to wierd aliens, but Muuuulllldeeeerrrr...

Bert: Mmmm... Mulder... OH GOD!!! remember my pre-i'm-gay thing. I was so in love with Scully. Where do the minutes go... (sigh)

Ceefax: I remember that. Didn't I buy you a Gillian Anderson Calender to go with my David Duchovny one? If I didn't, I certainly intended to...

Bert: Don't think you did... Never mind, I'm more interested in Mulder now, anyway... mmmm... boxer shorts...

Ceefax: But, of course, we also appreciate the fine acting, writing, direction, on-going storylines and general quality of the show. Of course.

Bert: No, we don't...

Ceefax: Ugh, no way. Irritating little nerd-boy.

Bert: He sat in a large chocolate orange. Oh and, of course, he was never recognised without the fucking glasses on!!!

Ceefax: But then again... the theme tune, man!

Bert: Mmmmmmm... bubbly theme... it rules!

Ceefax: Ain't seen. Your go.

Bert: Oh it's bad... very bad. If bad had a face, it's this show. It's supposed to follow the films (the third one supposedly being the pilot). The acting sucks, the stories are weak and the only entertainment comes from a computer ghost which only Robo can see.... so in conclusion.. no smegging way.

Ceefax: I've never even seen any of the movies. I'm so deprived.

Ceefax: Yup. I'd be a bad person (If we're talking about the sixties TV series, that is...).

Bert: I'd be anything so long as it's working with Cat Woman. She the man... well, soughta...

Ceefax: She had more balls than Batman (although Robin's package was quite impressive...) Did you ever see the episode when she tried to make Batman marry her?

Bert: Mmmmmm... Robin's package... Sorry? Oh no, I must have missed that one. I do remember the one where she tried to kill them in a BIG kitty litter tray...

Ceefax: I'd say yes. Fair enough, huge psychological maniplation, but still...

Bert: Well, that's only if you do something wrong. Come on, a free room, a pretty island, and when you get bored you can get your friends to join you on the beach and use a Rover as a beach ball...

Ceefax: There's Patrick McGoohan as well. Which No. 2 was your favourite?

Bert: The first female one... (the one who dressed up as Peter Pan).

Ceefax: I liked the last one who went all mad and stuff.

Bert: Fair enough. Prisoner was way too weird. The last episode explained little and left the watcher either going 'huh?' or dreaming of being in a lorry with Patrick McGoohan singing "dem bones, dem bones..." whilst dancing.

Ceefax: I know.... That bit where him and the little butler guy were running through London... Wasn't that the sweetest thing in the world?

Bert: The ickle butler was soooooo sweet!!!! I wanted him to be No.1!!! Only he wasn't... so I was sad... then I had food... and then I was happy...

Bert: YESYESYESYES!!!!!!! I would so live in sailor moon land. You get loads of cute guys and Nega hunks... mmmmm!!!! Plus they have loads of conveniently placed cool stuff. I could get to it before it goes all evil... or be there when it does... mmmm... choices...

Ceefax: I think I'd be one of the good guys. 'Cos otherwise I'd get the Nega-crap beat out of me by Sailor Moon. Which would be kinda embarassing...

Bert: True, though she is getting better and a bit less whiny. Which is your favorite Nega-bunny? (sorry, but they're one of the main reasons I watch the show...)

Ceefax: Ooo... Difficult. From the Negaverse... Malachite. Nega-moon, a tie between Diamond and Sapphire. Haven't seen enough of the others... And don't be sorry, man. You've got nothing to be sorry for.

Bert: I may have when you consider that I want to have most of the characters from the show in naughty positions... sigh... I'm a tramp!!! (Wail)

Ceefax: They're cartoon characters! I'm not sure if it counts...

Bert: Mmmmmmmmm... NOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooooooooo!!!!!! Ok, first three series' maybe, but for the love of bob, how many more can they do?!!?!? I used to love it, now I'll run screaming from the room at the mere mention of the pissing thing.

Ceefax: The first series was quite fun. And I liked Power Rangers in Space. But you're right, they have reinvented it a few too many times. Besides, I think nasty things would have to happen to Alpha before I'd want to live in the Power Rangers universe.

Bert: Well, on the Alpha front, he became a she (as did Zordon) then they just disappeared completely. Oh, and Light Speed Rescue is the worst 'cause one of the zords is a smegging train... What's with that?!?!?

Ceefax: I don't know, I've never watched any of it! I miss Zordon...

Bert: He was kinda cool... I always remember when Alpha altered Zordon's programming to give him a christmas hat. It's very hard to take him seriously when he's in a christmas hat...

Ceefax: Ain't seen, again... go for it, man.

Bert: Mmmmm... Naughty demons and their tentacles. I like the beast guys best (ahhhh!!! Amano!!!!) I don't like it when people say it's just demons and sex, there's a fucking awesome plot at work... Ok, there is a lot of sex and on the whole it's good sex... well, maybe not some of the demon sex... that's just weird. The only annoying thing about it is how it's spread out over so many episodes and films (which are becoming hard to find due to the censors). This is only because the British censors start to quiver at the vaugest hint of something un-wholesome, but hey, they allow hard-core porn, so why not Overfiend.... I rest my case, and my fingers...
ow.

Ceefax: Yep. I'd be a ratspeaker. Or hang around with the Earl. Wouldn't mind a bit of Maquis, although I suspect he's not a very safe person to be around...

Bert: I'm not too sure myself. Ok, it's cool, but it's a bit dingy...... Maybe if I could make fun of the Angel........

Ceefax: He'd kill you, man! He's a psycho hose beast!

Bert: Maybe, but let's see how he fights off my boyish charm... as soon as I work out where I left it... oh, the life of a camp pervert...

Ceefax: I'm very tempted to say yes, but the slight problems of evil possessing spirits, freaky Americans by the bucket-load, psycho owls which may or may exist in this dimension and James Hurley force me to say no.

Bert: I would agree, but for one thing... all those doughnuts, man. We could get jobs at the police station and be the official doughnut eaters...

Ceefax: Ohmygod... I'd actually forgotton about the doughnuts... We could be Lucy's assistants, or something. Nobody else seems to want them, after all. That'd work out really well, we could purve at Coop/Harry/Hawk as they came and went... As it were...

Bert: Bagsy Harry..

Ceefax: Bags Albert.

Bert: I think we have a fair solution there.

Ceefax: I would bags Coop, but I think something so wonderful should be free for everyone to enjoy. Like museums.

Bert: I like Museums.....

Ceefax: Oh dear god, yes...

Bert: Yes!! Yes!!!! I want to live there now!!! it's sooo cool!!!! Want to work as delivery guy!!! Want robot and alien freinds!!! Want Slurm that is freshly squeezed from a slug's bum!!!!

Ceefax: Mmmm... Highly addictive... I want bachelor chow.

Bert: I say we go and Cryogenically freeze ourselves now (I want to be the dude from the first episode who did the "WELCOME TO THE FUTURE!!!" thing).

Ceefax: Terry, wasn't it? Weren't those scientist guys in another episode, too? It was something about bees... Or maybe I'm just going a bit mad...

Bert: Nah. It's all way too involved. The Taelons piss me off as well...

Ceefax: I only saw half an episode, but it all seemed a bit too serious... I liked those things that lived on their arms, though.

Bert: Never saw them... I like the Taelon ships though.... pwetty!!!

Ceefax: I say yes. Big robots to play with. And I like the penguin.

Bert: Oh yeah, and those pretty angel things. Ok, they were the bad guys, but what the hey.

Ceefax: Nope. It's kinda cool, but gets too sentimental and political.

Bert: Never even heard of it... so I'll say no.

Ceefax: Ah, agreement. What a wonderful way to finish.