Lister: The tapes must have got twisted man, this is really good!
Katy: Does anybody know why he says tape, but holds up a CD case?
Amy: Because he's stupid.
A meteorite hits the ship, and the cast all do the Star Trek Shuffle.
Ceefax: The draughts board didn't fall over! None of the pieces even moved.
Holly reveals his more mobile form, a TV table. Everyone is impressed. Rimmer is exhibiting a few transmission problems thanks to the meteorite and is becoming various members of the Red Dwarf crew, by the gift of Chris Barrie's impressions.
Ceefax: But how could he become the cat? They wouldn't have his personality on disk.
Holly screws up, and Lister is blown over the console in slow motion.
Ceefax: Oh, I love that shot.
Bert: I want a go!
Queeg the evil computer appears and is mean to Holly.
Queeg: (to Holly) Your terminals have been by-passed, you've been retired.
Amy: Noooo!
There's a shot of Craig Charles in shorts.
Bert: He's got nice knees.
Scone: They're not as nice as Rimmer's.
Ceefax's ear fetish is dragged up again, the star field is admired, and Rimmer's alarm clock goes off, sounding remarkably like a bloke going 'woo woo woo' into a microphone. Queeg's more sadistic side begins to show itself and as a result Rimmer faints. This brings the 'episodes in which Rimmer faints' count up to two, so far. Cat is informed by Queeg that he now has to work for his food.
Cat: Not this pussy!
There is much sniggering at the word 'pussy'. Holly shows up in his nightwatchman outfit while Lister and Cat complain about Queeg. Holly wants to restore the crews faith in him.
Lister: What's the square root of two thousand and forty nine?
Bert: Two.
Ceefax: No it bloody isn't.
Lister: What's the nearest planet to the sun?
Ceefax: Mercury.
Holly: Your nearest planet, to your actual sun is... Mercury.
Ceefax and Holly are both smug. Back in the guy's quarters Queeg has given Lister a pea on toast for dinner. Lister decides he's cracked and thumps his head down on the table with his dreads sticking up.
Ceefax: He looks like a tree.
Katy: He looks like a dead spider.
There's the first mention of Inflatable Ingrid. Bert points out that she is replaced in later series by Rachel, and we speculate as to the fate that met Inflatable Ingrid. As Holly sets off to confront Queeg, Amy and Ceefax sing along... "Do not forsake me, oh my darlin'... I only know I must be braaaaaave..." Everyone edges away.
Holly challenges Queeg to a game of Subbuteo, or 'chess' as Queeg calls it.
Ceefax: I'd like to see them playing Subbuteo.
Jourdan is apparently losing concentration, as he is doing bird impressions. Amy tells him off for ruining Holly's emotional farewell. As Holly is erased, his voice slows down, and Jourdan does a worryingly accurate impression.
Holly: And the moral of the story is: appreciate what you've got, cos basically...
Holly, Amy and Ceefax: I'm fantastic.
2.30pm. Series three, Bodyswap.
With the arrival of the new, more musical, opening sequence, everyone sings along. Amy points out that during the title sequence they show a clip from 'Thanks for the Memory' from series two. Ceefax is amazed, as she had never noticed. The episode starts, and Ceefax complains that Rimmer's uniform changes every series. However everyone prefers this uniform
Ceefax: I loved the ones they had in 'Holoship' for the Enlightenment. They were gorgeous. Completely impractical though.
Lister sets off the self destruct system by accident. We applaud.
Bert: Kryten looks like a brick.
Ceefax: He looks better than he did in series seven.
Amy: Everything looks better than it did in series seven.
They're going to put the captain's mind into Lister's body, so that he can stop the self destruct, using a machine that Bert thinks looks like a coffee filter. While the fate of Red Dwarf hangs in the balance, Jourdan and Katy discuss Robert Llewellyn's new show. Kryten sticks a huge needle in Lister's head.
All: Argghh! Oooh!
They've put the mind of the first officer in Lister, and she marvels over her new male sexual organs. Scone protests that they were supposed to do the Captain.
Bert: Well, they screwed it up.
Red Dwarf is saved, no thanks to the ingenuity of it's crew. Overcome by the stress, Danny John-Jules loses his accent temporarily. Amy has become engrossed in the Red Dwarf programme guide. Rimmer is trying to convince Lister to lend him his body. Much to everyone's surprise, he agrees. Amy suddenly remembers that she used Lister's speech at the end of 'Justice' (on the nature of life) in an RE exam. Jourdan laughs at the outdated computers. Rimmer is having fun in Lister's body with a lightly poached Mimian bladder fish, and a mountain of mashed potato.
Amy: Mashed potato's brilliant stuff.
Scone: But could you eat that much?
Amy: Maybe if I hadn't eaten anything for three million years...
Rimmer enthuses about being able to touch and smell and taste again.
Bert: But he could smell as a hologram, couldn't he?
Amy: He's not supposed to be able to.
Ceefax: But he does smell the camphor wood in 'Marooned'.
Amy: Yes, but he also fiddles with the radio in 'Marooned', so they just cocked up that episode.
Everyone ignores the TV, in a scuffle for the Rocky bars that Ceefax brought. As we settle down with our chocolate, Lister demands his body back.
Scone: The miming's good.
Jourdan: It sounds wrong though. I bet they used a different kind of tape for the voice overs.
Ceefax: Chris Barrie looks good in the leather jacket.
Scone: Yeah...
Lister gets his body back, and is complaining to Rimmer, who has put two stone onto it.
Rimmer: Well, you weren't exactly Charles Atlas to start with.
Amy: (doing Frank N. Furter impression) He carries the Charles Atlas seal of approval. Very appropriate, as we've just been eating Rockies.
There are sniggers from the Rocky Horror Show fans, and bemused looks from the others. Lister lifts up his T shirt to visually demonstrate his weight gain.
Ceefax: You can see his stomach flop in again just before they cut away.
Rimmer also starts to complain about Lister's body.
Rimmer: Urine should only be green if you're Mr Spock.
Ceefax, the resident Vulcan expert, is questioned about the authenticity of this claim. The ear fetish is brought up _again_.
Amy: If you have a thing for anything with pointy ears, does that mean you like Kes?
Ceefax: Apart from Kes.
Bert: Kes should have been fed to the Kazon.
Amy: The Kazon wouldn't eat her, they've got better taste.
Rimmer has stolen Lister's body, and Starbug, and done a runner. Cat and Lister take White Midget and chase him. Bert points out that the model's blue. Ceefax points out that in the books they call it Blue Midget. We conclude that someone, possibly Craig Charles, made a mistake. Back on Starbug, Rimmer has a trunk full of cream cakes.
Bert: Oh, heaven! Bun heaven!
The VCR throws a fit, and puts squiggly lines all over the picture. As we attempt to reason with it, Bert brings up the White Midget\Blue Midget thing again. Picture restored, Rimmer pretends to have lost Lister's arm.
Ceefax: Rather ironic, considering what happens to Lister's arm in series seven.
Back on Red Dwarf, Rimmer steals Cat's body instead. Bert looks in perplexment at Cat, in Rimmer's body.
Bert: But how can he sit on a chair?
Ceefax: The same way he can walk on the floor without falling through.
We end with another sing-song.
3.00pm. Series four, DNA.
The tape is not quite in the right place, and everyone yells at Amy for fast-forwarding through the last episodes end credits. Jourdan asks if the alien ship they've encountered is CGI. We inform him that it's all model shots except for series seven and the re-mastered versions, and he is impressed. As the crew track the UFO, Ceefax mentions that this is one of the few scenes where it looks as if they know what they're doing.
Rimmer: It's aliens. They're probably going to return Glen Miller.
Ceefax: Rimmer's alien obsessions vanish around series five.
They board the ship, which is draped with slimy bits, and begin to explore. Rimmer and Kryten shuffle around each other, so that Kryten will hopefully be eaten first.
Bert: That's the best bit of choreography.
Ceefax: Unless you count Tongue-Tied.
The Red Dwarf crew find a dead body.
Bert: It's a bit like 'Back to Reality' when they find that fish that hanged itself.
Katy: It closed it's gills, you moron!
Ceefax: How the hell could a fish hang itself?
Jourdan doesn't get the 'shirt-tails' gag, and we try to explain it, except for Amy, who has retired to the programme guide again. The crew find a strange computer with a very deep voice, and it changes Lister into a chicken. Kryten attempts to explain how.
Kryten: Every cell in your body contains DNA...
Ceefax: Apart from red blood cells.
Scone: A-level biology rears its ugly head again.
They try to change the chicken back.
Kryten: It seems a fairly straightforward hexadecimal layout.
Katy: There is _nothing_ simple about hexadecimal.
Ceefax: Well, maybe if you were a super-intelligent robot...
Katy: But that's a robot that cleans toilets.
Kryten is caught by the DNA modifier, and turned into a human, as is Lister.
Bert: How come Lister is changed back? He wasn't in one of those tube things.
Ceefax: Because it's essential to the plot. Oh, Robert Llewellyn has such a weird face.
Scone: He looks like the big guy out of police academy, with the weird eyes.
Amy: He's got weird hair as well.
They go back to Red Dwarf, and Kryten tries to come to terms with being human. Specifically, he can no longer use his left nipple to pick up Jazz FM.
Ceefax: But the human race is extinct, there is no more Jazz FM.
Katy: But the signals will still be going out into space.
Jourdan: It would be extremely faint, I doubt they could pick it up.
The VCR suddenly starts squealing at us.
Amy: It sounds like Jourdan's bird noises.
Scone: I thinks it sounds much better than you did.
Jourdan: I don't think I'll ever talk to you again.
We switch to Amy's copy of series four, and the VCR settles down. Kryten is discussing some more of his problems with Lister.
Kryten: I was just idly flicking through an electrical appliance catalogue. I came across the section on super-deluxe vacuum cleaners, and suddenly my underpants elastic was catapulted across the medical bay.
Scone: That could be quite annoying.
Amy: Depends how much you like Robert Llewellyn.
Rimmer has found one of his old cells, and is planning to clone himself a new body. Lister updates him about Kryten.
Rimmer: He's reached the pinnacle of the evolutionary mountain, he's human.
Scone: Bollocks.
Lister says that it's immoral using the machine to change people into what they're not, and quotes Popeye to prove his point.
Scone: It's strange, compared to the first series, they've all got really intelligent and deep.
Katy: But they're having an intelligent, deep conversation about Popeye the sailor man.
Kryten goes to have a chat with his spare heads, and Amy is furious.
Amy: He's stolen Richard O'Brien's jacket from The Crystal Maze! Give it back!
Scone is delighted with spare head three's Essex accent. Kryten annoys all his spare heads, and goes back to Lister's quarters to tell him he wants to be a mechanoid again. Lister and Kryten exit.
Amy: He's going to bang his hair on the door frame, it adds about two inches to his height.
Holly has taken over the DNA modifier, and the DNA modifier's voice, which we all agree is cool. They test the process on Lister's mutton vindaloo, but create a half man, half vindaloo beast, which chases them down them corridor.
Bert: I don't know why Rimmer's so scared, he's a hologram.
Ceefax: Because there's a bloody huge vindaloo thing chasing him!
Their bazookoids are useless against their extra-hot foe.
Scone: I want to make the vindaloo monster.
Ceefax: You want to _what_ the vindaloo monster?
We speculate about Scone and the vindaloo monster's child, as Holly attempts to transform Lister into a super-human, and ends up shrinking him to two feet high. Amy and Ceefax both squeak along with mini-Lister, who is left behind in the rush. He realises that lager is the only thing which can kill a vindaloo, and blows off the creatures head. And eats it.
All: Urrrgghhhh...
3.30pm. Series five, Demons and Angels.
We all cheer as Mr Flibble appears on the opening titles. Scone is initially unenthusiastic, but Bert tells her about Chris Barrie's costume later in the episode, and she perks up. Lister and Kryten are testing the triplicator they've invented, by creating three strawberries from one. The first strawberry is succulent and divine, the second filled with maggots. There is much wincing as Lister, unawares, bites into this.
Amy: Why don't they triplicate the good strawberry? Then they'd have a good one, an even better one, and one that was the same as the original.
Bert: The search for the ultimate strawberry commences.
Rimmer mocks the guys invention. They attempt to reverse the process and blow up a console. Holly goes slightly bananas as a result. Red Dwarf is about to explode, and they run for the cargo bay. We realise this is only the second episode to feature the lovely Starbug, which blasts its way through the cargo bay doors, and spins off into the distance.
Scone: Wheeeeee!
It turns out Starbug only has enough fuel for five hours flight, and enough oxygen for seven minutes. The crew are slightly worried. The 'boys from the Dwarf' handflap is introduced, and Kryten discovers that Red Dwarf had been triplicated, and nobody noticed. As the new Red Dwarfs are revealed, everyone gasps in sarcastic amazement.
Kryten: Presumably, when I threw the triplicator into reverse...
Bert: But Lister did it...
Kryten: Precisely.
The Red Dwarf crew have "about an hour" to find the triplicator bits on both ships, and stick them together to make the original Red Dwarf again. Lister can tell that he's on the High ship, because he finds an edible Pot Noodle.
Bert: But they're nice.
Ceefax: They're gorgeous.
Amy: I love Pot Noodles.
Amy and Jourdan reminisce about eating sweet and sour Pot Noodles and M&M's, and watching Dr Who. We agree that the High Cat looks like a psycho, and that we would hate to live on the High ship. As the two crews head off to the Low ship, Amy notices that the High crew really over-emphasize their T's. We all make T sounds at each other.
High Kryten: Welcome brothers, we bring food and medical supplies!
Scone: Boom!
Indeed, the High Kryten is shot. Seconds later, High Kryten and High Cat are blown up. We laugh. Lister is chased by Low Lister and Low Cat, who is having problems with his over-large teeth. Low Kryten bursts through a wall, and Lister goes flying into some barrels. Low Rimmer, in Rocky Horror gear appears, and Amy and Scone growl at him.
Scone: I love the hair!
Bert: I like the whip.
Low Rimmer: I'm going to lash you to within an inch of your life. And then, I'm going to have you...
Katy: So basically, deep down in Rimmer's subconscious, the very worst thing he can be is gay?
Ceefax: And sado-masochistic.
Scone and Amy gaze adoringly. Lister is taken back to the Lows hideout, and force-fed a tarantula. Bert the arachnophobe cowers in his chair.
Scone: They must have had such fun doing this.
Jourdan starts whistling again, and Bert says he sounds like a clanger. Lister, being controlled by the Lows, kills High Rimmer and High Lister, and attempts to kill the others. He is foiled by Kryten and his chloroform.
Katy: He always keeps that stuff spare.
The Red Dwarf crew recreate the original ship, and everybody's happy. Scone is annoyed that they've changed the end titles, as she liked the old ones better.
4.00pm. Series Six, Psirens.
The age-old debate of why Lister's hair and nails grow when he is in stasis is dragged up again. Ceefax tells everyone that in the books it's all explained, but nobody cares. Bert thinks he looks like Freddy Kreuger's older brother, Amy thinks he should have kept the dreads. Meanwhile, Jourdan does a somersault off the sofa and gets a standing ovation. Lister drinks tabasco sauce out of the bottle for breakfast.
All: Arrgggggghhh!
The crew argue over who has lost Red Dwarf.
Rimmer: Oh come on, Lister, you're the one who parked it.
Bert: Surely Holly would have parked it.
Ceefax: I hate this, all of a sudden you have plot. And how _can_ the cat smell stuff in space?
Amy: It's intuition, not smell.
Ceefax: (annoyed) But they call it smell.
Amy: So?
As Starbug flies through an asteroid belt, shooting down asteroids with the waste disposal system, we criticise series seven, which stops when the scouter is launched.
Katy: Cool! I want one!
They find a body, and the black box. Giant insect-like things have sucked out the brains of everyone who landed on the asteroids. Rimmer faints (in three episodes, so far). Ceefax complains that the special effects team have stuck blue clouds all over space.
Scone: But they're pretty, aren't they?
Bert: Cat's suit is quite cool.
Amy: Catsuit?
The Psirens attempt to lure the crew to the asterioids, and fail (barely), but they smash into an asteroid and crash land anyway. Kryten claims that Starbug crashes more times than a ZX 81, which Ceefax and Jourdan both have, and defend. Back on the asteroid, Pete Tranter's sister attempts to seduce Lister.
Bert: (sarcastically) Rowwrr.
Pete Tranter's sister is revealed as a Psiren, as Lister snogs her.
All: Ugghh.
A psiren pretends to be Lister, and the crew attempt to figure out which is the real Lister.
Bert: Lister's the psiren.
The psiren is detected, and blasted. However, while the crew are chatting, it escapes.
Ceefax: Like they wouldn't notice this huge insect thing crawling around.
Katy: It probably did another illusion.
Jenny Agutter, as a psiren being Kryten's creator, shows up. Amy reveals that her dad fancies her, and Jourdan starts whistling again. Just as it seems that all is lost, Kryten hurls himself onto the psirens head, and kills it. Starbug heads off into a gas nebula, and Jourdan suddenly starts talking about his fear of his adam's apple being ripped off and is thoughly mocked by the females present.
4.30pm. Series seven, Blue.
The opening credits roll, and we sing, apart from Ceefax, who whistles, and Scone, who yells 'die, Chloe Annett, die' at the TV.
Scone: Evil woman!
Amy: She destroyed Red Dwarf.
Ceefax: It just goes against the basic concept of the show.
Bert half-heartedly defends her. Red Dwarf coming back at the end of this series is brought up, and the Holly debate begins afresh.
Bert and Katy: Hattie Hayridge!
Amy and Ceefax: Norman Lovett!
Scone misses Holly's voice-over at the beginning. Jourdan is updated about the plot. Scone is back on the Chloe Annett thing.
Scone: But nobody could fancy her, because she's such an annoying wuss.
Amy: She is the Seven-of-Nine of Red Dwarf.
Ceefax: Jeri Ryan sucks.
Katy points out that we should be talking about Red Dwarf.
Scone: But nobody wants to talk about this one, because it's got Chloe Annett in it.
Jourdan doesn't think Chloe Annett looks good in PVC. Amy retreats to the programme guide, Ceefax retreats to Amy's 'Star Trek Monthly'. Lister is missing Rimmer, in between minor emergencies. We discuss trivial matters.
Scone: You realise nobody's watching this at all?
Ceefax: Yep.
Amy: I wanna see the bit with Rimmer in! Fast forward, this is pissing me off.
Scone: Chloe Annett needs killing.
Ceefax: That bit where they shoot the crossbow into her thigh, they should have aimed a bit higher.
Lister and Rimmer are playing flashback-golf. The scoring system of golf is explained to Bert, who realises that it's the same as Kurushi. The possible uses of glow-in-the-dark tampons, as briefly mentioned in Red Dwarf, are discussed, and Amy starts talking about cigarette adverts. Rimmer has a jet of flame shot at his head, and a taunting note is discovered.
Bert: I think that should be 'signed Rimmer'.
Ceefax: No, he'd remember his own locker. He remembers pedantic little details like that.
The Rimmer bit has arrived, and everyone shuts up, with a little encouragement from Amy. Apparently Rimmer's been on Argon 5.
Ceefax: Argon's a gas, not a star.
All: Shhh.
Rimmer: (about Kochanski) She's pretty attractive though, isn't she?
Scone: No, not at all.
Bert: Lister likes her.
Amy: But she's the last woman in the universe, so he doesn't have much choice.
Rimmer and Lister snog. Much hilarity. Oh, it was all a dream. Lister then seeks psychiatric help from Kryten, and Kochanski butts in.
Bert: She's okay when she's being a bitch, but then she goes all soppy again.
Kochanski starts advising Lister.
Scone: Oh, just hit her. I want a massive mallet, and I'll just hit her round the head until it's mashed to a pulp. I hate her! She makes Red Dwarf all soppy and patronising and American.
As Kochanski sopps, we discuss our hatred of Crime Traveller. The Rimmer munchkin song is imminent, and Bert claims to know all the words. Amy knows all the words to Tongue Tied. Kryten claims that Rimmer kept meticulous diaries of life on board ship.
Katy: No he didn't.
Amy: 'June 16th, Auntie Maggie's birthday.'
Kryten: Here comes the best bit.
All: Yeeeeyyy!
We sing and giggle.
Bert: I love that song!
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