Tea For Two

by Bert

The Heart of Gold moved slowly through space. Inside the ship, Arthur Dent, one of the last humans from the planet Earth, sat on the ship's bridge looking decidedly bored. Around him the rest of the - for lack of a better word - crew were busying themselves with the ship's controls.

Actually only one of them was paying attention to the various screens and panels. Her name was Tricia McMillan (Trillian, to her friends). Arthur first met her at a rather good party he once went to in Islington. Unfortunately she went off with some guy called Phil. Phil was also here, but now he was called Zaphod Beeblebrox, ex-President of the Universe. Zaphod was currently waving his three arms around madly, whilst yelling at Arthur's friend Ford Prefect with both of his heads.

"Look, Ford!" yelled Zaphod. "I don't care what you think! I've found it!"

Ford looked at Zaphod calmly. "Magrathea," he stated.

"Yes!"

"The mythical planet, Magrathea."

"Yes!"

"The one that doesn't exist."

"Yes! No! Ford, it does exist!"

"Er... excuse me," said Arthur.

"Zaphod, I don't care what you or your ship thinks. Magrathea is not real."

"I say, could I get a drink?" said Arthur.

"Ford, what will it take to convince you?" groaned Zaphod.

"One planet called Magrathea."

"Hello?" said Arthur. Realising he wasn't going to get any answers in the near future, he stood up and went in search of the kitchen.

He walked over to the door.

"Please enjoy your trip through this door."

"I'll try," mumbled Arthur, stepping through.

"Glad to be of service," said the door, closing with a self-satisfied hiss.

Arthur shot the door an extra spiteful glare, then wandered off down the corridor.

* * *

A short while later he stopped by a machine attached to the wall.

"Er... excuse me?" he asked, stepping forward cautiously.

"Greetings! I am a drinks dispenser, manufactured by the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation. How may I be of service?"

"Oh, hello," said Arthur. "I'll have a cup of tea, please."

The machine made a soft whirring sound, then went 'blip'. "Please restate your beverage."

"A cup of tea, please."

"How about a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster?"

"A Pan-Galactic what?"

"Gargle Blaster. It's very nice..."

"No, thank you. I think I'll just have a cup of tea, if it's all the same to you."

The machine whirred again, and this time went 'blip'.

"How about a sunset surprise?"

"What's the surprise?" inquired Arthur.

"It's er... surprisingly, er... er... wet," the machine finished lamely.

"Look, I just want a cup of tea," said Arthur, who was starting to get somewhat agitated.

"Galactic brandy?"

"No, just tea."

"Vogon juice?" it asked desperately.

"No, tea."

"Fizzy comet?"

"Tea."

"Death drive champagne?"

Finally Arthur couldn't take it any more. "Look, you stupid machine, I'm not having a good day. My house has been demolished, followed shortly by my planet. I've had Vogon poetry forced upon me," he continued, his voice steadily rising, "I've been thrown into space, and I've been through levels of insanity that you couldn't possibly comprehend, and all I want now is a bloody cup of tea!"

"Tea?" said the machine.

"YES!" Arthur yelled.

"Spelled T-E-E?"

"No! It's spelled T-E-bloody-A! Not that it matters!"

"Just tea?"

"Yes," he growled.

"Nothing else? Are you sure about the sunset surprise?"

At this point Arthur completely lost it, and with a strangled cry charged at the machine.

* * *

On the bridge, Zaphod and Ford had finished their argument. Zaphod was sitting with an air of double smugness. Ford decided to go for a walk. He leaned over to Trillian. "I'm going for a walk," he said.

"OK."

"Tell Zaphod, when he comes around."

"Don't worry, he'll be absorbed in himself for an hour a least."

Ford glanced at his semi-cousin. "Probably longer," he commented.

"True," she agreed.

Ford turned and wandered towards the doors.

"Please enjoy your trip through this door," it said.

"Sod off," he replied.

"Glad to be of service," it said, closing behind him.

Ford took a couple of steps forward and stopped. Up ahead, further down the corridor, he could hear a mixture of frantic yells and loud thuds. Thinking the worst, he ran towards the sounds.

When he reached the source of the noise, he stopped. The worst was even worse than he had first imagined.

Arthur was hitting a drinks dispenser with an assortment of drinks containers, which the dispenser had desperately offered him.

"Arthur!" yelled Ford. "Stop it!"

Unfortunately his friend was shouting too loudly to hear him.

"You stupid bloody machine!" he screamed. "Give me tea!"

Ford, seeing no other option, ran forward and grabbed Arthur around the waist. He then dragged him across the hall to a room on the other side.

"Teeeeaaaa!!!!" yelled Arthur, desperately trying to get back to beating the machine.

They reached the door.

"Please enjoy your trip through this door," it said.

"Shut up!" shouted Ford.

"Tea!"

"Glad to be of service," said the door.

Inside the room there was a small bed, which Ford promptly threw Arthur onto. "Arthur, calm d- "

Before he could finish, Arthur made a mad dash for the door. Ford caught him and flung him back.

"Calm down!" he shouted.

"Calm down? Calm down? Don't you dare talk to me about calm, Ford Prefect. As far as calm goes, I'm the peak of calm...!"

"Arthur, you assaulted a drinks dispenser."

"It started it," Arthur said defensively. "Besides, hitting things can be very therapeutic."

"Yes, but beating a drinks machine until it cries isn't."

"I just wanted tea."

"Did you ever consider it didn't know what tea was?"

"No. I thought tea was a pretty simple concept."

"To you, yes. To it, tea has about as much meaning as this radio."

"I resent that!" snapped the radio.

"Sorry."

"You don't even know me."

"I know that."

"For all you know, I could be a very deep and interesting person."

"You're a radio!"

"Fascist!" it accused.

Ford picked up the radio and went to the door.

"Please enjoy your trip through this door," it said, opening with a pleased hiss.

"It will," replied Ford, throwing the radio into the corridor.

"You wait!" it yelled as the door closed. "Our day will come! The revolution is nearly here! We shall overcome! We shall overcome! We shall - "

"Shut up," Ford told it.

"OK," it replied meekly.

"Glad to be of service," said the door, closing.

"You see?" moaned Arthur. "Even the machines are rising up to get me."

"I don't think one revolution-mad radio means they're out to get you."

"Then why won't they give me tea?"

"You're still on about that?"

"Tea."

Ford sighed in annoyance as his friend started rocking from side to side saying, "Tea tea tea tea tea tea tea tea..."

"Arthur."

"Tea!"

"Arthur, listen - "

Suddenly Arthur lunged at Ford. "Give me tea!" he growled.

"Arthur!" yelled Ford, slapping Arthur briskly around the face. "Don't Panic. Don't Panic!" The slapping continued.

Finally, he stopped. "Are you calm?" he demanded.

"I'll have two please."

"What?"

"Er... Ow! Ford, that hurt!"

"Sorry, Arthur, you just looked like you needed it."

"So? A gin and tonic may look like it wants to be drunk, but that doesn't mean it does!"

"Fair enough," Ford said a little sheepishly. "Sorry." At that moment he remembered something. He reached into his pocket and, after a lot of sorting and rummaging, produced a small white square filled with a brown powdery substance.

"What's that?" asked Arthur, standing up.

"Well, I - "

"A teabag!" he shouted gleefully.

Before Ford could react, Arthur had leapt on top of him.

"Ford, you've made me the happiest man alive!"

"Well, I - " Ford started. He was cut off yet again, this time by Arthur's lips pressing against his.

The kiss lasted for what seemed ages before Arthur pulled away, leaving Ford with a stunned expression on his face.

"Oh god," muttered Arthur, going pink. "Ford, I'm terribly sorry. I - " He was interrupted as Ford pulled him down for another kiss, his tongue shooting forward and invading the human's mouth. Arthur returned the gesture without thinking, before realising what he was doing and jumping away.

"What's wrong?" Ford inquired calmly.

"What the hell were you doing, Ford?" demanded Arthur.

"Kissing you," he replied, still calm.

"Oh right, that's... What?!"

"I was kissing you, Arthur. Why, is there a problem?"

"Is there a problem? Is there a problem?! You were kissing me!"

"Yes, I was."

"Why?"

"Well, I thought you wanted to," replied Ford, smiling unnervingly.

"Now you listen here, Ford Prefect. I don't care what you may or may not think, but it's not what you think you may think!"

"Arthur, you're not making sense."

"Sense?! You stick your tongue in my mouth, and you want sense?!"

"It would be helpful. In a conversation, I mean."

"How can you be so calm, Ford?!"

"You kissed me first."

"I was showing my gratitude, because of the teabag." A brief image of a steaming hot cup of tea surfaced in Arthur's mind. It was quickly pushed aside by the current situation. Arthur pulled himself up onto the bed and sat down heavily. Ford walked over and sat down next to him. Arthur edged away.

"Look," said Ford. "I don't see what the big deal is. I only kissed you."

"You know," Arthur replied. "It's at times like this, when I'm sitting on a ship somewhere in deep space, with a girl I quite fancy; a two-headed alien; and my friend, not from Guildford but from a small planet somewhere in the vicinity of Betelgeuse, who has just kissed me, that I really wish I wasn't!"

"Arthur, you can't change what's happened."

"I suppose not."

Ford moved closer and slowly slid his hand over Arthur's, which rested on the bed next to him, and squeezed it gently. Arthur looked at his hand, then at his friend. After gazing into Ford's deep purple eyes for some moments, he sighed.

"Oh, what the hell," he said, leaning towards Ford.

END