Compressed Blake's 7 episode, no. 4.

"The Slash Connection" or "Ten Credit Touch"

by Ceefax.

(Flight deck of Liberator. Vila is sleeping at the controls, Avon is prodding Orac with a screwdriver. Jenna enters)

JENNA: (pushing Vila onto the floor) If you keep fiddling with that, you'll go blind.

AVON: (under breath) Stupid bloody woman... (Out loud) Oh, piss off, you malignant whore.

VILA: That really hurt...

JENNA: (Flipping her hair, smugly) I know you're only bitchy because you're jealous of me and Blake.

AVON: (doing double take) Huh?

VILA: Not that anyone cares, of course...

JENNA: You couldn't be subtle if you tried, leatherboy. You can't keep your hands off him for five minutes.

AVON: (approaching her, holding screwdriver in stabby position) Oh, I'll show what what I can't keep my hands off...

JENNA: (grabbing Vila and using him as a human shield) It's no use overcompensating now...

VILA: Getoffgetoffgetoffgetoffgetoff... Avon, don't kill me!

(Avon hurls the screwdriver at them. It misses and hits Zen in the viewscreen)

ZEN: Ow. Cutting life support...

AVON: Honestly, just because I dress well... I AM NOT GAY!

VILA: (sniggering) That's not what you told Cally...

Jenna grins at Avon. Avon glares at both of them.

Blake enters.

BLAKE: What's all this shouting? We'll have no trouble here.

AVON: (running to him) They're being mean to me!

JENNA: He started it!

ZEN: Information. Federation pursuit ships detected. Oxygen level will fall below tolerable standards in 4.75 minutes, unless I receive an apology.

Vila nudges Avon.

VILA: Go on, apologise.

AVON: No. Sharn't.

Jenna grabs him by the balls.

AVON: I'mveryverysorry...

She lets go.

AVON: Bitch.

JENNA: Man.

Cut to Federation pursuit ship.

TRAVIS: Ah, you shall soon be mine, Blake. Then I shall have my revenge for you dumping me all those years ago...

Cut to Liberator.

BLAKE: Huh? What the fuck was that? We never... ugh...

JENNA: It's a slash ep, just go with it.

BLAKE: No! God, I feel sick now... If anyone wants me, I'll be in the bathroom, trying to scrape my brain clean... Jenna, could you run away from the Federation for me?

JENNA: Okay!

Blake exits. Jenna takes over the controls.

JENNA: (to Avon) There, you see how repulsed he was? One hundred percent straight. You've got no chance.

AVON: GODDAMMIT you deaf SLUT, I am NOT GAY! Go pick on Vila...

VILA: I'm not gay either. Not that you'd know...

JENNA: I don't know what you're complaining about, at least you got Kerrill...

VILA: Whoopee, a quick bonk, then she goes off to found a new civilisation, or whatever.

JENNA: Well, it's more than I ever got.

Avon radiates a quiet air of smugness.

VILA: (glaring at him) And you don't have to look so pleased with yourself. Servalan shags Tarrant, remember?

JENNA: Who?

VILA: Oh, doesn't matter... (turns back to Avon) And snogging possessed people doesn't count.

AVON: Ah, shut the fuck up. I got more than you and Blake and Gan put together.

VILA: Big fucking deal. Blake gets off with his cousin...

(They all shudder)

VILA: And Gan gets off with a mad monk woman. You're going to go on about Anna Grant now, aren't you?

AVON: Long term relationship. More than anyone else managed.

VILA: Shame she was married to someone else...

JENNA: Sorry, should I know anything about this?

AVON: No. Now piss off.

VILA: But you knew about Kerrill...

JENNA: Oh, I think I hear Blake calling, I have to go now, bye!

Jenna exits.

VILA: (turning back to Avon) Besides, which one of the Grants were you really shagging?

AVON: Del?! What the fuck...?

VILA: Yeah. And they've had Anna being your sister...

AVON: (gulps) How the fuck would that work?

VILA: Foster sister.

AVON: Still... ugh...

ZEN: Information. If you do not cease this boring and infantile chatter I will be forced to turn around and hand you over to the Federation myself.

AVON: (pretending not to hear) Well, I've got more important things to do than listen to your pointless opinions.

Avon exits.

VILA: Twat.

ZEN: Confirmed.

End credits.