Compressed Blakes's 7 episode, no. 5.

"MY bloody ship, I think you'll find..." or "Oh my God, they killed just about everyone..."

by Ceefax.

(The surface of Sarran. Avon drags himself out of the smoking remains of a Liberator escape capsule)

AVON: Ow... (Falls over)

(A load of hairy scary Sarrans arrive and act manacing. Dayna arrives and shoots arrows at them until they run away. She kicks Avon until he wakes up)

DAYNA: Hello.

AVON: (to self) Well, I suppose we do need a replacement for Jenna... (to Dayna) I don't suppose there's any chance you know how to pilot a spacecraft?

DAYNA: No... I know how to kill people.

AVON: Don't worry, you'll soon forget about that... Would you like to come away with me on my incredibly advanced spaceship and fight the federation?

DAYNA: Why are you fighting the federation?

AVON: (Looks round in mild panic) Um... Look, just help me drag my supercomputer out of that life capsule, will you?

(They pull Orac free, and teleport up to the Liberator)

AVON: Right. Now all we need is a pilot...

TARRANT: Hello.

AVON: (Looking him up and down) Oh, I really don't think so.

DAYNA: Oh, let's keep him... I think he's cute.

TARRANT: Excuse me, but what are you doing on my ship?

AVON: It's not your ship, you mindless bimbo. Now get up to the flight deck before I bash you. And I suppose we'd better go and pick up Cally and Vila...

(Cut ahead. With a shot of a clock going very fast, or something similar. The surface of Terminal...)

TARRANT: Hang on, this is supposed to be about character death, isn't it? We've missed out Zen.

VILA: Yes, but Zen's death was genuinely moving. So we're not going near it with a barge pole.

(Cally looks worried, and slightly hurt. With good reason as, seconds later, the complex is mostly destroyed by a series of explosions)

CALLY: BLAKE...! You bastard, why didn't you take me with you, what chance did I have with this lot of useless bickering misfits anyway, and besides, I was the only crewmember with actual combat experience, so you would have thought I'd be the logical choice to stick with, even if you do want to ditch the others...

(Cut ahead, but not nearly so far this time. The remaining crew are sitting around a campfire)

AVON: (Prodding Orac with a twig) So, Orac's broken, we're standed on this planet with no food or shelter and lots of vicious gorrilagram people, and on top of that, Cally's dead, so we need to find another girl...

DORIAN: Hello.

AVON: Oh, bloody hell...

VILA: I don't know... If you squint he looks a little bit girly...

TARRANT: No, he doesn't, he looks like a Dexy's Midnight Runners reject.

DORIAN: I've got a spaceship. Want a ride?

AVON: (Pointing the gun at him) No, I think we'll just take your ship.

DORIAN: That's not very nice.

VILA: He's right, you know. I can't take you anywhere...

(Cut to Scorpio)

Dorian falls over, smacks his head on the wall, and sprawls, unconscious, on the floor.

VILA: (nudging Dayna) Remind you of anyone?

(They giggle, and Avon pretends not to have heard. Cut to Xenon)

SOOLIN: Scorpio, this is Xenon base. Dorian, for fuck's sake get your arse in gear...

(Cut to Scorpio)

AVON: (Pointing the gun at Dorian again) You heard her...

VILA: Even I can do better fake snoring than that...

DORIAN: (gulp)

(Cut to Xenon)

DORIAN: This is Soolin. She's me bird.

(They snog. Avon pouts slightly. Soolin goes and fetches a bottle and some glasses)

SOOLIN: Have some wine.

VILA: I like her. Let's keep her.

(Dayna kicks him in the ankle)

DAYNA: Shhh...

DORIAN: Now why don't you all come down to the basement and see my collection of antique coke bottles?

(Cut to the basement. The door closes, locking them all in, and Dorian's pet hideous monster tries to squish them. Unfortunatly he goes a bit overboard on the manic laughing and has a coronary, as it turns out he's a squillian years old)

VILA: Was that it?

SOOLIN: I'm just grateful I got some lines...

End credits.